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Routledge\'s Manual of Etiquette by George Routledge

G >> George Routledge >> Routledge\'s Manual of Etiquette



ROUTLEDGE'S
MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE

ETIQUETTE FOR LADIES
ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN
BALL-ROOM COMPANION
COURTSHIP & MATRIMONY
HOW TO DRESS WELL
HOW TO CARVE
TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS

GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS




CONTENTS.

ETIQUETTE FOR LADIES.

I. Introductions
II. Letters of Introduction
III. Visiting, Morning Calls, Cards
IV. Conversation
V. Notes of Invitation, &c.
VI. The Promenade
VII. Dress
VIII. Morning and Evening Parties
IX. The Dinner-table
X. The Ball-room
XI. Staying at a Friend's House--Breakfast, Luncheon, &c.
XII. General Hints

* * * * *

ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN.

I. Introductions
II. Letters of Introduction
III. Visiting, Morning Calls, Cards, &c.
IV. Conversation
V. Notes of Invitation, &c.
VI. The Promenade
VII. Dress
VIII. Riding and Driving
IX. Morning and Evening Parties
X. The Dinner-table
XI. The Ball-room
XII. Staying at a Friend's House--Breakfast, Luncheon, &c.
XIII. General Hints

* * * * *

BALL-ROOM GUIDE.

I. How to organize a Ball
II. Ball-room Toilette (Ladies)
" " (Gentlemen)
III. Etiquette of the Ball-room
IV. The Quadrille
V. The Caledonians
VI. The Lancers
VII. The Double Lancers
VIII. Coulon's Double Quadrille
IX. The Polka
X. The Cellarius
XI. The Mazurka Quadrille
XII. The Polka Mazurka
XIII. The Redowa, or Redova
XIV. The Schottische
XV. The Varsoviana, or Varsovienne
XVI. The Gorlitza
XVII. The Valse a Trois Temps
XVIII. The Valse a Deux Temps
XIX. The New Valse
XX. The Galop
XXI. The Cotillon
XXII. The Spanish Dance
XXIII. The Tempete
XXIV. Sir Roger de Coverley
XXV. Glossary of Terms used in Dancing

* * * * *

ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY.


I.--FIRST STEPS IN COURTSHIP.

Advice to both parties at the outset
Introduction to the Lady's Family

II.--ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP.

Restrictions imposed by Etiquette
What the Lady should observe in early Courtship
What the Suitor should observe
Etiquette as to Presents
The Proposal
Mode of Refusal when not approved
Conduct to be observed by a Rejected Suitor
Refusal by the Lady's Parents or Guardians

III.--ETIQUETTE OF AN ENGAGEMENT.

Demeanour of the Betrothed Pair
Should a Courtship be long or short?

IV.--PRELIMINARY ETIQUETTE OF A WEDDING.

Fixing the Day
How to be Married: by Banns, Licence, &c.
The Trousseau
Duties to be attended to by the Bridegroom
Who should be asked to the Wedding
Bridesmaids and Bridegroom's-men, Duties of

V.--ETIQUETTE OF A WEDDING.

Costume of Bride, Bridesmaids, and Bridegroom
Arrival at the Church
The Marriage Ceremonial
Registry of the Marriage
Return Home and Wedding Breakfast
Departure for the Honeymoon

VI.--ETIQUETTE AFTER THE WEDDING.

Wedding Cards: Modern Practice of "No Cards"
Reception and Return of Wedding Visits

VII.

Practical Advice to a Newly-married Couple

* * * * *

HOW TO DRESS WELL.

I. Introduction
II. Taste in Dress
III. Fashion in Dress
IV. Expense of Dress
V. Accessories
VI. A Few Words More

* * * * *

HOW TO CARVE.

Hints on the Dinner-table
Carving

FISH.

Turbot
Cod-Fish
Salmon, &c.
Mackerel

JOINTS.

Haunch of Venison or Mutton
Saddle of Mutton
Leg of Mutton
Shoulder of Mutton
Loin of Mutton
Neck of Mutton
Fore Quarter of Lamb
Sirloin of Beef
Ribs of Beef
Round of Beef
Aitch-bone of Beef
Rump or Buttock of Beef
Tongue
Calf's Head
Loin of Veal
Fillet of Veal
Breast of Veal
Knuckle of Veal
Shoulder and Neck of Veal
Leg or Hand of Pork
Spare-rib of Pork
Ham
Sucking Pig

POULTRY AND GAME.

Goose
Turkey
Fowl
Duck
Wild Duck
Pheasant
Grouse
Partridge
Woodcock or Snipe
Pigeons
Small Birds
Hare
Rabbit

* * * * *

TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS.

Amatory
Bacchanalian
Comic
Conservative
Gastronomic
English
Irish
Scotch
Liberal
Literary
Loyal
Masonic
Military
Naval
Religious
Sentimental
Sporting
Miscellaneous
Latin




Routledge's Etiquette for Ladies.

* * * * *

I.--INTRODUCTIONS.


To introduce persons who are mutually unknown is to undertake a
serious responsibility, and to certify to each the respectability of
the other. Never undertake this responsibility without in the first
place asking yourself whether the persons are likely to be agreeable
to each other; nor, in the second place, without ascertaining whether
it will be acceptable to both parties to become acquainted.

Always introduce the gentleman to the lady--never the lady to
the gentleman. The chivalry of etiquette assumes that the lady is
invariably the superior in right of her sex, and that the gentleman
is honoured in the introduction. This rule is to be observed even when
the social rank of the gentleman is higher than that of the lady.

Where the sexes are the same, always present the inferior to the
superior.

Never present a gentleman to a lady without first asking her
permission to do so.

When you are introduced to a gentleman, never offer your hand. When
introduced, persons limit their recognition of each other to a bow.
On the Continent, ladies never shake hands with gentlemen unless under
circumstances of great intimacy.

Never introduce morning visitors who happen to encounter each other
in your drawing-room, unless they are persons whom you have already
obtained permission to make known to each other. Visitors thus
casually meeting in the house of a friend should converse with ease
and freedom, as if they were acquainted. That they are both friends of
the hostess is a sufficient guarantee of their respectability. To be
silent and stiff on such an occasion would show much-ignorance and
ill-breeding.

Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, without being
introduced, should not bow if they afterwards meet elsewhere. A bow
implies acquaintance; and persons who have not been introduced are not
acquainted.

If you are walking with one friend, and presently meet with, or
are joined by, a third, do not commit the too frequent error of
introducing them to each other. You have even less right to do so than
if they encountered each other at your house during a morning call.

There are some exceptions to the etiquette of introductions. At a
ball, or evening party where there is dancing, the mistress of the
house may introduce any gentleman to any lady without first asking the
lady's permission. But she should first ascertain whether the lady is
willing to dance; and this out of consideration for the gentleman,
who may otherwise be refused. No man likes to be refused the hand of a
lady, though it be only for a quadrille.

A sister may present her brother, or a mother her son, without any
kind of preliminary; but only when there is no inferiority on the part
of her own family to that of the acquaintance.

Friends may introduce friends at the house of a mutual acquaintance;
but, as a rule, it is better to be introduced by the mistress of the
house. Such an introduction carries more authority with it.

Introductions at evening parties are now almost wholly dispensed with.
Persons who meet at a friend's house are ostensibly upon an equality,
and pay a bad compliment to the host by appearing suspicious and
formal. Some old-fashioned country hosts yet persevere in introducing
each new comer to all the assembled guests. It is a custom that
cannot be too soon abolished, and one that places the last unfortunate
visitor in a singularly awkward position. All that she can do is
to make a semicircular courtesy, like a concert singer before
an audience, and bear the general gaze with as much composure as
possible.

If, when you enter a drawing-room, your name has been wrongly
announced, or has passed unheard in the buzz of conversation, make
your way at once to the mistress of the house, if you are a stranger,
and introduce yourself by name. This should be done with the greatest
simplicity, and your rank made as little of as possible.

An introduction given at a ball for the mere purpose of conducting a
lady through a dance does not give the gentleman any right to bow to
her on a future occasion. If he commits this error, she may remember
that she is not bound to see, or return, his salutation.

* * * * *

II.--LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.


Do not lightly give or promise letters of introduction. Always
remember that when you give a letter of introduction you lay yourself
under an obligation to the friend to whom it is addressed. If she
lives in a great city, such as Paris or London, you in a measure
compel her to undergo the penalty of escorting the stranger to some of
those places of public entertainment in which the capital abounds. If
your friend be a married lady, and the mistress of a house, you put
her to the expense of inviting the stranger to her table. We cannot be
too cautious how we tax the time and purse of a friend, or weigh too
seriously the question of mutual advantage in the introduction. Always
ask yourself whether the person introduced will be an acceptable
acquaintance to the one to whom you present her; and whether the
pleasure of knowing her will compensate for the time or money which
it costs to entertain her. If the stranger is in any way unsuitable in
habits or temperament, you inflict an annoyance on your friend instead
of a pleasure. In questions of introduction never oblige one friend to
the discomfort of another.

Those to whom letters of introduction have been given, should send
them to the person to whom they are addressed, and enclose a card.
Never deliver a letter of introduction in person. It places you in the
most undignified position imaginable, and compels you to wait while it
is being read, like a servant who has been told to wait for an answer.
There is also another reason why you should not be yourself the bearer
of your introduction; i.e., you compel the other person to receive
you, whether she chooses or not. It may be that she is sufficiently
ill-bred to take no notice of the letter when sent, and in such case,
if you presented yourself with it, she would most probably receive you
with rudeness. It is, at all events, more polite on your part to give
her the option, and, perhaps, more pleasant. If the receiver of the
letter be a really well-bred person, she will call upon you or leave
her card the next day, and you should return her attentions within the
week.

If, on the other hand, a stranger sends you a letter of introduction
and her card, you are bound by the laws of politeness and hospitality,
not only to call upon her the next day, but to follow up that
attention with others. If you are in a position to do so, the most
correct proceeding is to invite her to dine with you. Should this
not be within your power, you can probably escort her to some of the
exhibitions, bazaars, or concerts of the season; any of which would be
interesting to a foreigner or provincial visitor. In short, etiquette
demands that you shall exert yourself to show kindness to the
stranger, if only out of compliment to the friend who introduced her
to you.

If you invite her to dine with you, it is a better compliment to ask
some others to meet her than to dine with her _tete-a-tete_. You are
thereby giving her an opportunity of making other acquaintances, and
are assisting your friend in still farther promoting the purpose for
which she gave her the introduction to yourself.

Be careful at the same time only to ask such persons as she will feel
are at least her own social equals.

A letter of introduction should be given unsealed, not alone because
your friend may wish to know what you have said of her, but also as
a guarantee of your own good faith. As you should never give such
a letter unless you can speak highly of the bearer, this rule of
etiquette is easy to observe. By requesting your friend to fasten the
envelope before forwarding the letter to its destination, you tacitly
give her permission to inspect its contents.

Let your note-paper be of the best quality and the proper size. Albert
or Queen's size is the best for these purposes.

It has been well said that "attention to the punctilios of politeness
is a proof at once of self-respect, and of respect for your friend."
Though irksome at first, these trifles soon cease to be matters for
memory, and become things of mere habit. To the thoroughly well-bred
they are a second nature. Let no one neglect them who is desirous of
pleasing in society; and, above all, let no one deem them unworthy of
attention. They are precisely the trifles which do most to make social
intercourse agreeable, and a knowledge of which distinguishes the
gentlewoman from the _parvenue_.

* * * * *

III.--VISITING.--MORNING CALLS.--CARDS.


A morning visit should be paid between the hours of two and four p.m.,
in winter, and two and five in summer. By observing this rule
you avoid intruding before the luncheon is removed, and leave in
sufficient time to allow the lady of the house an hour or two of
leisure for her dinner toilette.

Be careful always to avoid luncheon hours when you pay morning
visits. Some ladies dine with their children at half-past one, and are
consequently unprepared for the early reception of visitors. When you
have once ascertained this to be the case, be careful never again to
intrude at the same hour.

A good memory for these trifles is one of the hall-marks of good
breeding.

Visits of ceremony should be short. If even the conversation
should have become animated, beware of letting your call exceed
half-an-hour's length. It is always better to let your friends regret
than desire your withdrawal.

On returning visits of ceremony you may, without impoliteness, leave
your card at the door without going in. Do not fail, however, to
inquire if the family be well.

Should there be daughters or sisters residing with the lady upon whom
you call, you may turn down a corner of your card, to signify that the
visit is paid to all. It is in better taste, however, to leave cards
for each.

Unless when returning thanks for "kind inquiries," or announcing your
arrival in, or departure from, town, it is not considered respectful
to send round cards by a servant.

Leave-taking cards have P.P.C. (_pour prendre conge_) written in the
corner. Some use P.D.A. (_pour dire adieu_).

It is not the fashion on the Continent for unmarried ladies to affix
any equivalent to the English "Miss" to their visiting cards. _Emilie
Dubois_, or _Kaetchen Clauss_, is thought more simple and elegant than
if preceded by _Mademoiselle_ or _Frauelein_. Some English girls have
of late adopted this good custom, and it would be well if it became
general.

Autographic facsimiles for visiting cards are affectations in any
persons but those who are personally remarkable for talent, and whose
autographs, or facsimiles of them, would be prized as curiosities.
A card bearing the autographic signature of Agnes Strickland or Mary
Somerville, though only a lithographic facsimile, would have a certain
interest; whereas the signature of Jane Smith would be not only
valueless; but would make the owner ridiculous.

Visits of condolence are paid within the week after the event which
occasions them. Personal visits of this kind are made by relations
and very intimate friends only. Acquaintances should leave cards with
narrow mourning borders.

On the first occasion when you are received by the family after the
death of one of its members, it is etiquette to wear slight mourning.

Umbrellas should invariably be left in the hall.

Never take favourite dogs into a drawing-room when you make a morning
call. Their feet may be dusty, or they may bark at the sight of
strangers, or, being of too friendly a disposition, may take the
liberty of lying on a lady's gown, or jumping on the sofas and easy
chairs. Where your friend has a favourite cat already established
before the fire, a battle may ensue, and one or other of the pets be
seriously hurt. Besides, many persons have a constitutional
antipathy to dogs, and others never allow their own to be seen in the
sitting-rooms. For all or any of these reasons, a visitor has no
right to inflict upon her friend the society of her dog as well as of
herself. Neither is it well for a mother to take young children with
her when she pays morning visits; their presence, unless they are
unusually well trained, can only be productive of anxiety to both
yourself and your hostess. She, while striving to amuse them, or to
appear interested in them, is secretly anxious for the fate of
her album, or the ornaments on her _etagere_; while the mother is
trembling lest her children should say or do something objectionable.

If other visitors are announced, and you have already remained as long
as courtesy requires, wait till they are seated, and then rise from
your chair, take leave of your hostess, and bow politely to the newly
arrived guests. You will, perhaps, be urged to remain, but, having
once risen, it is best to go. There is always a certain air of
_gaucherie_ in resuming your seat and repeating the ceremony of
leave-taking.

If you have occasion to look at your watch during a call, ask
permission to do so, and apologise for it on the plea of other
appointments.

In receiving morning visitors, it is not necessary that the lady
should lay aside the employment in which she may be engaged,
particularly if it consists of light or ornamental needle-work.
Politeness, however, requires that music, drawing, or any occupation
which would completely engross the attention, be at once abandoned.

You need not advance to receive visitors when announced, unless
they are persons to whom you are desirous of testifying particular
attention. It is sufficient if a lady rises to receive her visitors,
moves forward a single step to shake hands with them, and remains
standing till they are seated.

When your visitors rise to take leave you should rise also, and remain
standing till they have quite left the room. Do not accompany them to
the door, but be careful to ring in good time, that the servant may be
ready in the hall to let them out.

A lady should dress well, but not too richly, when she pays a morning
visit. If she has a carriage at command, she may dress more elegantly
than if she were on foot. The question of morning and afternoon dress
will be found fully treated in Section VII.

* * * * *

IV.--CONVERSATION.


There is no conversation so graceful, so varied, so sparkling, as that
of an intellectual and cultivated woman. Excellence in this particular
is, indeed, one of the attributes of the sex, and should be cultivated
by every gentlewoman who aspires to please in general society.

In order to talk well, three conditions are indisputable,
namely--tact, a good memory, and a fair education.

Remember that people take more interest in their own affairs than in
anything else which you can name. If you wish your conversation to be
thoroughly agreeable, lead a mother to talk of her children, a young
lady of her last ball, an author of his forthcoming book, or an artist
of his exhibition picture. Having furnished the topic, you need
only listen; and you are sure to be thought not only agreeable, but
thoroughly sensible and well-informed.

Be careful, however, on the other hand, not always to make a point of
talking to persons upon general matters relating to their professions.
To show an interest in their immediate concerns is flattering; but
to converse with them too much about their own arts looks as if you
thought them ignorant of other topics.

Remember in conversation that a voice "gentle and low" is, above all
other extraneous acquirements, "an excellent thing in woman." There is
a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is peculiar to only
well-bred persons. A loud voice is both disagreeable and vulgar. It is
better to err by the use of too low than too loud a tone.

Remember that all "slang" is vulgar. It has become of late
unfortunately prevalent, and we know many ladies who pride themselves
on the saucy _chique_ with which they adopt certain Americanisms,
and other cant phrases of the day. Such habits cannot be too severely
reprehended. They lower the tone of society and the standard of
thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any way a
substitute for wit.

The use of proverbs is equally vulgar in conversation; and puns,
unless they rise to the rank of witticisms, are to be scrupulously
avoided. A lady-punster is a most unpleasing phenomenon, and we would
advise no young woman, however witty she may be, to cultivate this
kind of verbal talent.

Long arguments in general company, however entertaining to the
disputants, are tiresome to the last degree to all others. You should
always endeavour to prevent the conversation from dwelling too long
upon one topic.

Religion is a topic which should never be introduced in society. It is
the one subject on which persons are most likely to differ, and least
able to preserve temper.

Never interrupt a person who is speaking. It has been aptly said that
"if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of his sentence, you act
almost as rudely as if, when walking with a companion, you were to
thrust yourself before him, and stop his progress."

To listen well is almost as great an art as to talk well. It is not
enough _only_ to listen. You must endeavour to seem interested in the
conversation of others.

It is considered extremely ill-bred when two persons whisper in
society, or converse in a language with which all present are not
familiar. If you have private matters to discuss, you should appoint
a proper time and place to do so, without paying others the ill
compliment of excluding them from your conversation.

If a foreigner be one of the guests at a small party, and does not
understand English sufficiently to follow what is said, good breeding
demands that the conversation shall be carried on in his own language.
If at a dinner-party, the same rule applies to those at his end of the
table.

If upon the entrance of a visitor you carry on the thread of a
previous conversation, you should briefly recapitulate to him what has
been said before he arrived.

Do not be _always_ witty, even though you should be so happily gifted
as to need the caution. To outshine others on every occasion is the
surest road to unpopularity.

Always look, but never stare, at those with whom you converse.

In order to meet the general needs of conversation in society, it is
necessary that a gentlewoman should be acquainted with the current
news and historical events of at least the last few years.

Never talk upon subjects of which you know nothing, unless it be for
the purpose of acquiring information. Many young ladies imagine that
because they play a little, sing a little, draw a little, and frequent
exhibitions and operas, they are qualified judges of art. No mistake
is more egregious or universal.

Those who introduce anecdotes into their conversation are warned
that these should invariably be "short, witty, eloquent, new, and not
far-fetched."

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities.

In conversing with a woman of rank, do not too frequently give her her
title. Only a lady's-maid interlards every sentence with "My Lady," or
"My Lord." It is, however, well to show that you remember the station
of your interlocutor by now and then introducing some such phrase
as--"I think I have already mentioned to your Grace"--or, "I believe,
Madam, you were observing--"

A peer or baron may occasionally, as in an address, be styled "My
Lord," but a lady of equal rank must only be addressed as "Madam."
In general, however, a nobleman or lady of high rank should only be
addressed as you would address any other gentleman or lady. The Prince
of Wales himself is only styled "Sir" in conversation, and the Queen
"Madam."

* * * * *

V.--NOTES OF INVITATION, &C.


Notes of invitation and acceptance are written in the third person
and the simplest style. The old-fashioned preliminary of "presenting
compliments" is discontinued by the most elegant letter writers.

All notes of invitation are now issued in the name of the mistress of
the house only, as follows:--

"Mrs. Norman requests the honour of Sir George and Lady
Thurlow's company at an evening party, on Monday, 14th of
June."

Others prefer the subjoined form, which is purchaseable ready printed
upon either cards or note paper, with blanks for names or dates:--

"Mrs. Norman,
"At home,
"Monday evening, June 14th inst."