The Mother\'s Recompense, Volume I. by Grace Aguilar

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THE MOTHER'S RECOMPENSE;

A SEQUEL TO HOME INFLUENCE.

BY GRACE AGUILAR.

IN TWO VOLUMES.

VOL. I.

LEIPZIG

BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ

1859.

PREFACE.

The domestic story of "Home Influence," and its Sequel, the present
volume, were written in the early part of the year 1836, and the entire
work was completed when its author was little above the age of nineteen;
and, although no portion of it was published till some years after its
composition, but little alteration was made in the original plan.

The labours of my dear child were unceasing, and from the hour when she
could read, it may truly be stated that she learned to write; her
contributions to the current literature of the day, her valuable works
upon religious subjects, and others of a lighter character, most of
which have been reprinted in other lands, all testify to a mind of no
common stamp; and here, in reply to numerous questions relative to her
literary remains, I may state that Grace Aguilar has left many excellent
works in manuscript, both in prose and verse; some of which may, at a
future day, be presented to the public.

I have been induced to publish "The Mother's Recompense," in compliance
with the repeated solicitations of many friends, but in doing so I feel
it incumbent on me to state that, unlike its predecessor, it has not
received the advantage of that correction, which later years and ripened
judgment would doubtless have cast around it. A long and fatal illness
prevented its revision for the press; the circumstances of which will be
found detailed in a short memoir, accompanying the last edition of "Home
Influence." The universal voice of praise, which attended the
publication of that work, it was not permitted her to enjoy,--an
all-wise Creator called her to himself.

It was ever my dear child's wish to aid, by the example of her pen, the
education of the Heart. It was her desire, in the truthful
exemplification of character, to point out to the youthful of her own
sex the paths of rectitude and virtue. The same kindly love--the same
heartfelt charity--the same spirit of devotion, which breathes through
every line in "Home Influence," will be found pervading the pages of the
present work.

If, then, the Home Education of the Hamilton Family be well traced and
faithfully delineated in "Home Influence, a Tale for Mothers and
Daughters," its _effect_ will be found illustrated in the "Mother's
Recompense;" there, as its dear author writes, will still further be
portrayed the cares, anxieties, and ultimate reward of maternal love.

SARAH AGUILAR.

_December_, 1850.

THE MOTHER'S RECOMPENSE

VOL. I.

CHAPTER I.

_From Emmeline Hamilton to Mary Greville_.

London, January, 18--

At length, dearest Mary, I may write to you; at length indulge my
long-controlled wishes. My conscience has given me permission now,
though I once thought I never could again. We parted in August, and it
is now January; and except during our little tour, you have not had one
line from me, but very many more than one from Caroline and Ellen. I
used to wrong them, but I am glad I adhered to mamma's advice and my
resolution, painful as it has been; for it did seem hard that I, who
consider myself even more my dear Mary's own friend, should not address
you when my sister and cousin did. And now to explain this riddle, for
though mamma has excused my silence to you, I am quite sure she has not
told you the real truth. She would not expose my silly weakness, and
therefore prepare yourself for a most humiliating confession, which
will, in all probability, lower me ten degrees in your estimation.
However, truth must he told, and so it shall be with all the necessary
regularity and precision. _You_ know, almost better than any one else,
how very much I disliked the thought of leaving dear happy Oakwood, and
residing any part of the year in London. You often used to warn me, when
I have thus spoken, against permitting such fancies to obtain too much
dominion; but I did not follow your advice, dear Mary, but indulged them
till, of course, they became so heightened that the last month of our
sojourn at Oakwood was embittered by the anticipation. I saw you thought
me foolish, and I knew that mamma and papa's plans could not be altered
to please my fancy, and that my confessed distaste to them would give
pain to both: therefore, I concealed my dislike, but instead of doing
all I could to conquer it, encouraged every gloomy anticipation to the
very utmost. I found, during our delightful tour through the south of
England, I could enjoy myself, but still the thoughts of London, and
masters, and strangers, and the fancy our style of living would be so
different in the metropolis to what it was in Oakwood, and that I should
not see nearly as much of mamma, all chose to come, like terrifying
spectres, to scare away the present pleasure.

We visited Oxford, although completely out of our way, in order that we
might see the residence of my brothers. There Percy's wild mirth and
eloquent descriptions partly banished my ill-humour, but as I neared
London all my fancied evils returned to me again. When we first arrived,
which was in September, this huge city was, comparatively speaking, a
desert; for all the fashionables were out ruralizing. Mamma was not, I
believe, sorry for this, for she wished us to have full six or seven
months' hard study before she entered at all into society. Ellen and I,
of course, will have more, but Caroline is to make her regular _entree_
in March or April, and therefore must be drilled accordingly. First-rate
masters were instantly engaged; indeed, papa had written to many before
we arrived, that no time should be lost, and as almost all their pupils
were from London, we had the choice of hours, which was very agreeable,
although at that time I did not feel inclined to think anything
agreeable, being accustomed to no instruction save that bestowed by Miss
Harcourt and mamma; professors of music, drawing, French, Italian,
German (which Caroline is seized with a violent fancy to acquire, and
which I deign to learn, because I should like to read Klopstock in the
original), and even what I term a lady professor of embroidery, which
Caroline has succeeded in tormenting mamma to let her have--_entre
nous_, it is only because she has taught Annie Grahame; all these, my
dear Mary, presented a most formidable array, and for the first month I
did not choose to profit by their instructions in the least. I gave full
vent to all the dislike I felt to them. I encouraged indolence to a
degree that frequently occasioned a reproof from Miss Harcourt. I could
not bear their mode of teaching; the attention so many things required
was in my present state a most painful exertion, and I almost made an
inward determination to show mamma that all her endeavours were lost on
me. I would not learn when everything was so changed. Do not throw away
my letter in despair of your friend, dearest Mary; only read to the end,
and perhaps my character may be in some measure redeemed. There was a
weight on my spirits I could not, because I would not, remove. I became
ill-tempered and petulant without cause; before papa and mamma I tried
to restrain it, but did not always succeed. Percy and Herbert both
spoke to me on this unwarrantable change; and I think almost for the
first time in my life I saw Percy seriously angry with me, for I had
even shown my irritation at his interference. I told him I had a right
to act and feel as I pleased. Herbert looked sorry, and desisted in his
reasonings when he found I would not listen. Percy's evident irritation
and the reproaches of my own conscience added not a little to my
uncomfortable feelings, as you may suppose. I looked back to what I had
been at Oakwood, and the contrast of my past and present self really
gave me much cause for misery. It was just before my brothers returned
to college I wrote to you a long, very long letter, in which I gave more
than enough vent to my silly, I should say sinful feelings. Several
hours I had employed in its composition, and to obtain these, neglected
my exercises, etc, for my masters, and caused more than one for several
days to make a formal complaint of my indolence and carelessness to Miss
Harcourt. Her remonstrances, I am ashamed to confess, only had the
effect of increasing my ill-temper. Well; I concluded at length my
epistle to you, which, had you received it, would have been a trial of
patience indeed; for it consisted of ten or twelve closely-written
pages, in which I had so magnified my feelings of discontent and
unhappiness, that any one must have fancied I had not one single
blessing left. I was folding and preparing to seal it, when mamma
entered my room. I must tell you that as yet I had not had one reproof
from her lips, though I am quite sure I deserved it long before; I used
to see her look very grieved at any burst of petulance from me, but she
had never spoken on the subject. I almost trembled when she appeared,
for I knew that morning Miss Harcourt had said she must inform her of
Mons. Deville and Signor Rozzi's continued complaints. Without entering
on that subject, however, she sat down by me, and with one of her own
sweet smiles, which reproached me a great deal more than words, she
asked me if I really were going to seal and send that long letter of
confidence to you without having shown or told any part of it to her.
She might well ask, dear Mary, for I had never written a line before
which I had kept from her; but my conscience told me she would not,
could not approve of this, and therefore I certainly did wish I could
have sent it without telling her anything about it. What deceit, too! I
hear you exclaim. Yes, dear Mary; and before this tale of shame is over,
you will see still more clearly how one fault makes many. I did not
answer her question, but remained sulkily silent.

"Will my Emmeline think me a harsh intruder on her private thoughts, if
I say I cannot let this letter go till I have seen at least some parts
of its contents?" she said very mildly, but so firmly I had no power to
resist her; and when she asked if I would not, as I always did, read her
some portions, I answered, pettishly, if she read any she might as well
read all. She looked deeply grieved, and my heart painfully smote me the
moment the words were said; but I was too proud at that moment to show
any marks of contrition, and all the time she was reading I continued
working myself up to increased ill-humour.

"Are you indeed so very unhappy, my dear Emmeline?" were the only words
mamma said, as she laid down, the last sheet and looked in my face,
with a tear trembling in her eye. I turned away, for I felt too
irritated and cross to give way to the emotion I always feel when I see
her grieved, and I was determined not to answer. "And do you prefer,"
she continued, "seeking the sympathy of a young girl like yourself to
that of a mother, who has always endeavoured not only to sympathise
with, but to soothe the sorrows of her children?" Still I would not
answer, and she added, mildly, "Do you not think, Emmeline, Mary would
have been better pleased if you had written to her rather in a lighter
strain? do you not think, if you were to try and shake off these painful
fancies, you could write another and less desponding letter--one that I
might give you my full and free permission to send, which, sorry as I am
to say it, I cannot with this?"

Mild as were her words and manner, the import of what she said put the
finishing stroke to my ill-temper. "If I may not write as I like, I will
not write at all," I passionately exclaimed, and seizing the sheet
nearest to me tore it asunder, and would have done the same with the
rest, had not mamma gently laid her hand on my arm, uttering my name in
an accent of surprise and sorrow; my irritable and sinful feelings found
vent in a most violent flood of tears.

Will you not think, dearest Mary, I am writing of Caroline, and not of
myself; does it not resemble the scenes of my sister's childhood? Can
you believe that this is an account of your Emmeline, whose sweetness of
temper and gentleness of disposition you have so often extolled? But it
was I who thus forgot myself--I, who once believed nothing ever could
make me passionate or angry, and in one minute I was both--had excited
myself till I became so even against my nature, and with whom?--even my
mother, my kind, devoted mother, who has ever done so much for me, whom
in my childhood, when I knew her worth much less than I do now, I had
never caused to shed a tear. Oh, Mary, I cannot tell you what I felt the
moment those passionate words escaped me. I may truly say I did not cry
from anger, but from the most bitter, the most painful self-reproach. I
think her usual penetration must have discovered this, for if she had
thought my tears were really those of passion, she would not, could not
have acted as she did.

She drew me gently to her, and kissed me without speaking. I threw my
arms round her neck, and in a voice almost choked by sobs, implored her
again and again to forgive me; that I did not mean to answer her so
disrespectfully--that I knew I had become a very wicked girl, but that I
really did feel very unhappy. For a few minutes she was silent, and I
could see was struggling to suppress the tears my unusual conduct had
occasioned. I will make no apology, dearest Mary, for entering on such
minute details; for I know how you love my mother, and that every word
she says is _almost_ as precious to you as to her own children--_quite_
it cannot be; and I give you this account also, that you may know me as
I am, and not imagine I am so free from faults as I know you once
believed me. Oh, when I have looked back on that day, I have felt so
painfully humiliated, I would gladly banish the recollection; but it is
better for me to remember it, lest I should fancy myself better than I
am. Every word she said in that gentle and persuasive tone was engraved
upon my heart, even as she spoke. She easily and fully convinced me of
my sinfulness in thus permitting imaginary evils to make me so
miserable: for that they were but imaginary it was easy to discover. Not
a single blessing could I say I had lost. All I loved were around me, in
health and happiness--every comfort of life was the same; and could it
be possible, mamma said, that the mere departure from a favourite
residence, and only for a few months, could render me so completely
blind to the many blessings my Heavenly Father had scattered around me.
As she spoke, a film appeared removed from my eyes, and the enormity of
my conduct stood for the first time in its true colours before me. I
saw--I knew how sinful I had been; and bitterly I regretted that I had
not confessed every feeling to mamma, instead of hiding them, as I had
done, in my own heart, and brooding on them till it became a kind of
pleasure to do so, and till fancied evils produced real ones. I wept
bitterly while she spoke, for to find how completely I had created
misery for myself was no agreeable matter of reflection, and my remorse
was heightened when mamma said, "You have disappointed us not a little,
my dear Emmeline; for I will no longer conceal from you that the little
tour we took on our way to London was originally planned by your father
and myself, to reconcile you to a change of residence. We saw how much
you regretted leaving Oakwood; nor did we wonder at it, for such
feelings were most natural to one of your disposition; and therefore,
instead of travelling direct, and suddenly changing the scenes of our
beautiful Devonshire for the confinement of this huge city, we hoped by
visiting various places, and giving you new objects of reflection, to
lessen your regret, and make the change of residence less painfully
abrupt." As well as I could, I expressed my sorrow and repentance, and
promised to use every endeavour to atone for the past, and become all
that she and papa wished me.

"I believe you, my own Emmeline," my kind mother said, as she again
kissed me, and her voice was no longer so sorrowfully grave as it had
been at first. "I am sure, now you know all the pain you were inflicting
on both your parents, every effort will be put in force to remove it."
Did I deserve this speech, dear Mary? I do not think I did; for I often
saw by mamma's countenance I had grieved her, and yet made no effort to
control myself, and so I told her. She smiled her own sweet, dear smile
of approbation, and thanking me for my candour, said--

"If I say that by indulging in these gloomy fancies and appearing
discontented, and repining when so many blessings are around you, my
Emmeline will be doing her mother a real injury, by rendering my
character questionable, not only in the eyes of the world, but of my
most valued friends, will she not do all in her power to become her own
light-hearted self again?"

"Injuring your character, dearest mother!" I exclaimed, with much
surprise; "in what manner?"

"I will tell you, my love," she replied; "there are many, not only of my
acquaintances, but my friends, those whose opinions I really value, who
believe I have been acting very wrongly all these years, in never having
permitted you and Caroline to visit London. They think by this strict
retirement I have quite unfitted you both for the station your rank
demands you should fill. That by constantly living alone with us, and
never mingling in society, you have imbibed notions that, to say the
least, may be old-fashioned and romantic, and which will make you both
feel uncomfortable when you are introduced in London. These fears never
entered my mind; I wished you to receive ideas that were somewhat
different to the generality of Fashion's dictates, and I did not doubt
but that the uncomfortable feeling, against which the letters of my
friends often warned me, would very quickly be removed. But since we
have been here--I do not wish to grieve you more, my dear Emmeline--I
must confess your conduct has been productive to me of the most painful
self-reproach. I thought, indeed, my friends were right, and that for
years I had been acting on an injudicious plan, and that instead of my
measures tending to future happiness, they were only productive of pain
and misery, which, had I done as other mothers of my station, might have
been avoided."

"Oh! do not, pray do not think so," I exclaimed, for she had spoken so
sorrowfully, I could not bear it. "I formed my own misery, dearest
mother; you had nothing to do with it."

"You think so now, my love," she answered, with her usual fondness; "but
if my friends see you gloomy and sad, and evidently discontented,
longing for pleasures which are not offered to you in London, only
dwelling on visions of the past, and notions tending to the indulgence
of romance, what will they think? will not my judgment be called in
question? and more, they know how very much I prefer a country to a
London life, domestic pleasures, to those of society, and they may
imagine, and with some probability, that to indulge my selfish wishes,
I have disregarded the real interests of my children."

"They cannot, they will not think so," I passionately said. "They can
never have known you who form such conclusions." Would you not have
agreed with me, dear Mary, and can you not fancy the wretchedness
mamma's words inflicted?

"My love," she replied, with a smile, "they will not fancy they do not
know me; they will rather imagine they must have been deceived in their
opinion; that I am not what I may have appeared to them some few years
ago. The character of a mother, my Emmeline, is frequently judged of by
the conduct of her children; and such conclusions are generally correct,
though, of course, as there are exceptions to every rule, there are to
this, and many a mother may have been unjustly injured in the estimation
of the world, by the thoughtless or criminal conduct of a wilful and
disobedient child. I have been so completely a stranger to London
society the last sixteen years, that my character and conduct depend
more upon you and Caroline to be raised or lowered in the estimation of
my friends and also of the world, than on any of the young people with
whom you may mingle. On which, then, will my Emmeline decide,--to
indulge in these gloomy fancies, and render herself ill both in health
and temper, as well as exposing her mother to censure and suspicion; or
will she, spite of the exertion and pain it may occasion, shake off this
lethargy, recall all her natural animation and cheerfulness, and with
her own bright smile restore gladness to the hearts of her parents?"

I could not speak in answer to this appeal, dear Mary, but I clung
weeping to mamma's neck. I never till that moment knew all my
responsibility, how much depended on my conduct; but at that moment I
inwardly vowed that never, never should my conduct injure that dear
devoted mother, who endeavoured so fondly to soothe my grief, and check
my bitter tears; who had done so much for me, who had devoted herself so
completely to her children. Mentally I resolved that nothing should be
wanting on my part to render her character as exalted in the eyes of the
world as it was in mine. I could not bear to think how ungratefully I
had acted, and I cried till I made my head and mamma's heart ache; but I
could not long resist her fond caresses, her encouraging words, and
before she left me I could even smile.

"And what am I to say," she said, with her usual playfulness, "of the
sad complaints that I have received the last few days from Miss
Harcourt, that she does not know what has come to you, from Mons.
Deville and Signer Rozzi? Now what am I to say or do to prove that this
Mademoiselle Emmeline does like Italian, and is not ill, as our polite
professors fancy? must I lecture as I did when she was an idle little
girl, and liked her play better than her studies? Suppose these
gentlemen are asked, which in all probability they certainly are, what
sort of pupils Mrs. Hamilton's daughters are; they ought to be something
out of the way, for we hear she has instructed them principally herself.
What answer will be given, what conclusions drawn, if you do not exert
yourself and prove that you can learn as well, when you like, as your
sister, and even quicker than your cousin?"

I felt so ashamed, dearest Mary, that I concealed my face on her
shoulder, and would not even look up to promise amendment, for I felt I
was not certain of myself; but when mamma spoke of my letter to you, and
asked me if I still wished to send it, or if I would not write another,
I made a desperate effort, and answered as well as I could--

"I will not write again to Mary, dear mamma, till I have conquered all
these silly and sinful feelings, and can write as usual; and to be quite
sure of myself, that I may not break my resolution, I promise you that
for six months I will not give myself the pleasure of addressing her,
and if even at the end of that time you do not think I have sufficiently
recovered my senses, which certainly appear to have deserted me, you
shall increase at your will my time of probation; I deserve some
privation for my ungrateful conduct, and the not writing to Mary now is
the greatest I can think of." I tried to appear very heroic as I made
this speech, but with all my efforts I completely failed. Mamma looked
at me a moment in surprise, but then, with more than usual fondness, she
strained me to her heart, and I felt a tear fall on my cheek.

"My own sweet child, my darling Emmeline!" she exclaimed, "I did not
expect this offered sacrifice, but I will accept it, my own love, and
let its pain he soothed to your affectionate heart by the knowledge that
in making it, you have given me the purest, most delicious sense of
pleasure you could bestow. We will not say six months," she added, more
playfully, "we will see what the middle or end of January brings. You
will then still have nearly four months to redeem your character. I have
not the slightest doubt that even before that period my Emmeline will be
herself." Oh, Mary, I felt so very happy as she thus spoke, that I
thought I must find it very easy to conquer myself, but I was mistaken,
painfully mistaken; I had encouraged despondency and gloom for so long a
period, that it required every exertion, in the very least, to subdue
it. I had chosen to waste my time, and be inattentive to all the means
of improvement which were offered me, and to command my attention
sufficiently to regain the good opinion of our sage professors was most
disagreeably difficult; but I was no longer afraid, to encounter mamma's
sorrowful or reproving glance, as I had been before, and her fond
encouragement and the marks of approval which both she and papa
bestowed, when I could not but feel I had done little to deserve them,
lightened the labour of my task, and by causing me to wish earnestly to
deserve their kindness, increased my efforts; and at length, dearest
Mary, these miserable feelings so completely departed from me, that I
was surprised to perceive how very nearly I could be as happy in London
as at dear Oakwood; quite as happy is impossible, because I feel more
and more how very much I prefer a quiet domestic life in the country to
London and society. You will perhaps smile as mamma does, and say I am
not introduced yet, and then I may change my mind; but I do not think I
shall. She prefers the country, so it will not be very strange if I
should; but when I see how completely, and yet how cheerfully, she has
given up her favourite residence and employments, for the interests and
happiness of her children, I feel ashamed at the egregious selfishness
which has been mine. Oh, Mary, when shall I ever be like mamma? when can
I ever be worthy of half, nay, one quarter of that respectful admiration
which is bestowed upon her, even by those whose principles and conduct
are directly opposite?

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