Samantha at the St. Louis Exposition by Marietta Holley

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My pardner, who for reasons named, wuz inclined to pick flaws in this
glorious Exposition, sez to me:

"What's the use of sculpin' Peace up on so high a monument and showin'
her off as if she wuz safe and sound, and then histin' cannons up right
by her throwin' balls that will travel twenty milds and then knock her
sky high."

I sithed, but almost onbeknown to myself looked at the Cross, and hoped
that that divine light would go ahead through the wilderness of world
warfare makin' a safe path, so Peace could git down from her high
monument bime-by and walk round some through the world without gittin'
her head blowed off.

Smilin' and gleamin' jest beyond wuz the bright sunny waters on which
little boats painted in bright colors with gay awnin's wuz glidin' about
here and there, and bursts of melodious song come from the gayly attired
boatmen anon or oftener. And furder on wuz the Grand Basin, a large
beautiful piece of water, and back on't down a green hill seventy feet
high leaps and bounds and gurgles and sings three glitterin' cascades,
each one seemin' to start out from a splendid buildin' up on the hill.

The ones on the side smaller, but the middle one a grand and stately
palace called Festival Hall, and jinin' these three buildin's together
are what they call the Collonnade of States. A impressive row of
snow-white pillows, and on them pillows, settin' up in the place of
honor, are big statutes of female wimmen, fourteen in number, symbolic
of the original States of the Louisiana Purchase.

I wanted to go right up to Festival Hall the first minute, it didn't
seem fur it wuz through such seens of bewilderin' beauty, but a
bystander standin' by said it wuz half a mild.

But Josiah kinder nudged me and said, "Mebby we'd better take the
Immoral Railway. With you by my side, Samantha, I feel I can face its
dangers."

Sez I, "Where has your principle gone that you had this mornin',
Josiah?"

"I have got it, Samantha, jest the same; I hain't used none this time o'
day. But I thought I would kinder love to tell the brethren I'd rid on
it." And before I could parley with him he asked that same bystander, a
good lookin' iron gray man,

"Where is the Immoral Railway?"

"The Intre Moral Railway starts there," sez he, pintin' to a place quite
nigh to us.

"Intre Moral," sez I to myself; "that is a good name." And as we wended
our way to it through the crowds of folks of every name and nation I sez
to myself, "I'd love to ride on it." For havin' naterally so scientific
and deep a mind I love to trace back words like little rivulets, to
their source, and see where they spring from. For meandering through the
ages they gather lots of foreign stuff and take queer turns.

Intre Moral, I took it that that meant extra moral. I liked the sound
on't, and we got on and rode quite a spell, and see everything we could,
and when we went clear 'round on that, we got onto a big ortomobile and
rid 'round on that so's we could see the hull Fair as it were in one
picture, before we examined its glories more minutely one by one.

[Illustration]

And I should have took sights of comfort viewin' the magnificent seens
spread out and growin' and changin' every minute if I hadn't had to kep'
one eye onto Josiah Allen all the time, or as you may say two eyes, one
my own gray orb and the other the eye of my specs. The seen wuz so
hugely grand, so magnificently stupendous, and the mind that it wuz my
duty as first chaperone to guard wuz so small I sez to myself, could it
be bombarded by that immense grandeur and not utterly collapse. But
Blandina wuz on the other side on him, so I didn't feel as I should had
the responsibility devolved on me alone.

But he bore it well. He looked off on the seen grander than anything
Fairy Land ever dremp on or ever will, I believe. And then he looked
pensively at my silk bag where I'd stored all the cookies and nut-cakes
it would hold, to keep up his strength between meals.

And so gradually I dropped my agonizing anxiety and let my eyes drink in
the onequalled beauty of the seen as we went by the tall glorious
palaces towerin' up in white magnificence. Past sparklin' water spaces
filled with gay pleasure craft full of happy white-robed voyagers. Past
the spans of arched bridges leadin' from one seen of glory to another,
past tall white shafts carryin' up to the listenin' Heavens deeds of
glory and valor.

Past white statutes more beautiful than poet's dreams, risin' up from
green velvet lawns or marble terraces. Broad highways would dawn on our
vision, anon vistas of incomparable beauty way off, way off as fur as we
could see would open up other views jest as fair. Anon the columned
walls of some nearby palace would seem to close in the view, and then
agin the fur vision, and anon the blue waters flowin' on and on. And
scattered all over the ground roamed the happy people, men, wimmen and
children of every name and nation, clothed in every garb that folks ever
wore under the sun, and some, it seemed to me, made up jest for that
occasion, as Eve started her new fashion of fall dress, only this wuzn't
made of leaves, no indeed! fur from it.

But I believe the foreign costoom we see most of all wuz the Japan. And
all through the Fair that nation seemed to show off in the very first
rank. Well, I wuz willin', I always kinder liked 'em, they're so polite
and courteous to everybody, and as for makin' storks and folks settin'
on nothin' and lookin' perfectly comfortable settin' on it, they go fur
ahead of anybody else, and they have lots of other noble qualities. In
cleanin' house time, now I have fairly begreched the ease and comfort of
them Japanese housewives who jest take up their mat and sweep out, move
their paper walls a little mebby and there it is done.

No heavy, dirt-laden carpets to clean, no papered walls and ceilings to
break their back over, no trumpery brickaty brack to take care of and
dust and make life a burden. Kind hearted, reverent to equals and
superiors--trained to kindness and courtesy and reverence in childhood
when American mothers are ruled and badgered by short skirted and
roundabout clad tyrants.

I set store by the Japans and am glad to hear how fast they're pressin'
forwards in every path civilization has opened; science, art and the
best education. And wuz glad to see so many of 'em here. They could give
Uncle Sam a good many lessons if he wuz willin' to take 'em. But good as
he is he is a heady old creeter, and won't be driv into anything and has
a powerful good opinion of himself.

But to resoom forwards. After we'd gone the complete 'round of the Intre
Moral Railway and ortemobile we got out agin on the Plaza not fur from
where we embarked, and at my request we took a boat. Josiah chose one of
the handsomest ones with the front end kinder bowin' up and a
bright-colored awnin' over it; they called it a gondola.

The gondolier had bold flashin' black eyes and a gay suit that struck
Josiah's fancy, and I knowed by his looks he wuz meditatin' on what
Might Have Been. I felt that he wuz in fancy rowin' a boat up our creek
in a red coat and green hat with yeller feathers mebby, carryin' sister
Submit Tewksbury or sister Gowdey, sailin' towards his own Exposition of
St. Josiah. There wuz a sad pensive look on his liniment that belonged
to ruined hopes and blighted emotions.

Blandina whispered to me she thought the gondolier a image of beauty and
wondered if he had a companion; she said she believed he would be
devoted to a wife if he had one that looked up to him.

I answered her like one talkin' onbeknown to herself, two of my eyes and
my spectacles furtively watchin' the liniment of my beloved pardner, and
my speritual eyes feastin' on the perfect loveliness of the seen. Broad
smooth waters how beautiful they were, dotted with craft similar to ourn
and freighted with happy voyagers dartin' here and there, and some of
the boats wuz the queerest shapes, one on 'em looked jest exactly like a
big white swan, and there wuz one, if you'll believe it, that looked
like a sea serpent, I wouldn't have rid in it for a dollar bill, though
Josiah said he'd love to tell Deacon Henzy that he'd straddled the old
sea serpent and rid to shore on it.

But I sez, "Good land, Josiah, you don't ride on the outside on it,
there is a place fixed inside somewhere for passengers."

But most of the boats wuz handsome. Anon the water lay smooth and fair
about us, and fur off we could see immense fountains risin' right up out
of the glassy surface, sprayin' up and glitterin' down floods of rainbow
glory.

Agin we landed on terry firmy I a feelin' as if we wuz roamin' through
Fancy's fields, for it seemed as if cold Reality never could have
planned anything approachin' what wuz all round us. For as you draw nigh
the glittering Cascades you fairly stop bewildered by the beauty, and
most want to shet your eyes on it, not knowin' what path to choose where
all are so bagonin' full of allurements and the hull world seemin' to be
allured there by 'em. On one side the glory of the waters dashing,
sparkling, bounding along down, with fountains sprayin' up every little
while, and white statutes smilin' down on us nigher by. On the other
side green verdure and beyond and on every side the glory of the water,
and above us the most magnificent buildin' in the world flanked on each
side with the long Colonnade of States.

And speakin' of statutes, jest think of the sculptured groups we passed
by that eventful day, more'n I could describe in a month of Sundays.
Louis and Clark, the very men I'd read about in Gasses Journal, how I
wished their eyes could see and their ears hear me. How interested and
proud they would have been to hear me tell how even as a child I loved
to hear mother Smith read about their journeyin's into the new and
onexplored country, findin' swamps and stumps and savages, where now wuz
smilin' gardens and palaces. Then there was Robert Livingstone, and
Franklin, noble high souled old creeter, I always loved him in a meetin'
house sense, drawin' down lightnin' and so forth--he wuz the very Pa of
electricity as you may say.

And James Monroe, and Boone, and Settin' Bull, yes there wuz Settin'
Bull settin' or ruther standin' right in that great company. And all on
'em mute and onafraid, onmindful of the presence of a Samantha and
Josiah, I felt to pity 'em.

But the noblest meanin' statute of all in my eyes wuz right in front of
the main Cascade. There stood a immense statute of Liberty, raisin' the
veil of Ignorance and protectin' Truth and Justice. Ignorance don't want
her eyes oncovered, she'd 'drather keep on blind as a bat. But Liberty
hain't goin' to mind her, she wuz bound to git the bandages off; I
wanted to encourage her in it and I waved my hand towards her and smiled
in lovin' greetin'. Josiah thought I wuz flirtin', and asked me
anxiously if I'd got sight of any man from Jonesville. I wouldn't dain
to reply to him--at my age! and with my reputation to carry round! The
idee!

Well, when we stood on the stun balcony over the spot where the central
cascade gushes out, what a seen lay spread out before us. You can look
off two milds one way and most a mild another. And wuz there ever in the
world milds so crowded full of beauty and each beauty differin' from the
other as one star differs from another in glory. Eight magnificent
palaces are in full sight, their walls bathed by the blue waters, and
beyond 'em, interspersed by green foliage, wuz a perfect wilderness of
towers, minarets, domes, banners, battlements.

I hain't goin' to describe what I looked down on, for I can't. No, if I
had a big book of synonyms to the words Grand and Glorious and used
every one on 'em tryin' to describe that seen I couldn't begin to do
justice to it, and so what is the use of tryin' with the Jonesville
vocabulary.

And if I can't describe it, don't for pity sake ask Josiah Allen to, for
you might know that if I couldn't he wouldn't stand no chance. But I
hearn him gin a sort of gaspin' sithe as he looked, and Blandina I
believe forgot for a few minutes her passionate though chaste,
overrulin' passion.

As magnificent as the hull of St. Louis Exposition is, it naterally has
one spot handsomer than the rest, a particular beauty spot as you may
say. Why every house has it. The beauty of my parlor kinder branches
out, as you may say, from my new rep rocker, a lovely work of art that
cost over six dollars. I keep it in the sightliest place, where the eye
of man can fall on it at first. And the central beauty spot of the Fair
wuz centered in the place I have been talkin' about.

I'd hearn that it wuz some the shape of a fan and we had talked it over
between us, whether it would look like my best paper fan I carry to
meetin' Sundays, or my big turkey feather fan. But, good land! they
dwindled down so in my mind while I stood there that I might be said to
never have sot my eyes on a turkey's feather, or a turkey or anything.
It is a spectacle that once seen is never forgot.

The central spot, or handle of the fan (in allegory), is occupied by
Festival Hall and on either side stretches out the beautiful Collonnade
of States with its lovely and heroic female wimmen settin' up there as
if sort o' takin' care of the hull concern. I spoke to Blandina about
it, how pleased I wuz to see my sect settin' up so high in the place of
honor, and she sez:

"Oh, Aunt Samantha, I cannot rejoice with you, it rasps my very soul to
see men slighted! What would the world do without men?"

"Well," sez I, wantin' to please her, "men do come handy lots of times.
But," sez I reasonably, "the world wouldn't last long if it wuzn't for
wimmen." But to resoom.

At each end of the Collonnade, peakin' up a little higher, is a sort of
a round shaped buildin', beautiful in structure, where food can be
obtained. And knowin' the effect on men of good food I knowed this wuz a
sensible idea, for no matter how festivious a man may be, and probably
is in Festival Hall, yet his appetite stretches out on both sides on him
jest as it wuz depicted here. And female wimmen stand between him and
starvation most of the time. I considered the hull thing highly
symbolical and loved to see it.

But jest think of a magnificent picture containin' all that is most
beautiful in land and water, extendin' in a graceful, curvin' way three
thousand feet. Why that's as fur as from our house over the Ebenezer
Bobbettses, and I d'no but furder, and every foot and inch of it
perfectly beautiful. How much land do you spoze is took up by this
central spot of beauty? Now if I should ask sister Sylvester Gowdey, who
always thinks she knows everything worth knowin', if I should say, "How
much land do you spoze, sister Gowdey, is took up by jest this central
beauty spot of the Fair?" I'll bet she'd say, "Mebby half an acre."

But I'd say, "Melissy, it occupies six hundred acres."

I d'no as sister Gowdey would believe me, but it's so, the livin' truth.
Why, the three Cascades are three hundred feet long. Beautiful in the
daytime as a dream of Paradise! fancy it in the evening when thousands
and thousands of colored lights lend their glowin' charm to the seen.
Why you almost cover your eyes from the bewilderin' glory on't. And as I
said to Josiah, "We shall never see another seen so beautiful till we
see Jerusalem the Golden descend before our rapt vision." And he bein'
kinder fraxious, sez:

"I hain't seen that yet, nor you nuther."

"By the eye of Faith I have, Josiah."

"Well, tain't no time or place for preachin', we better be gittin'
along!"

Right under the main Cascade we went down into a beautiful grotto all
lighted up, with one hull side of the room made of fallin' water. I
never expected to step into such a place. I have felt perfectly
satisfied when I've papered over my dining-room with paper a shillin' a
roll, and it did look well. But what wuz it to this? Refreshments are
served down there clost to the sparklin' liquid side of the room, and
Josiah wantin' to go the hull figure, set down and eat a nut-cake which
I gin him.

They say stimulants can be obtained down here. And mebby they can, them
that seek can generally find, there wuz a serpent in Paradise; but _I_
didn't see any, I spoze the noble look on my face would dant any dealer
in such pizen from displayin' it to me. And it ain't likely that Josiah
with two chaperones would set eyes on any.

CHAPTER VI.

The two side cascades represent the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. Josiah
sez in a kinder patronizing way, "They're likely Cascades, but I can't
see in what way they represent oceans."

And I sez, "It hain't _for_ you to know everything, Josiah, you hain't
expected to. Such knowledge would be more than you with your small frame
could stand up under."

"Oh, keep throwin' my size in my face. It's a pity I hain't a giraffe,
then mebby I'd suit you." And he added snappishly, "I'll bet you can't
tell yourself how they look like oceans."

And I sez, "I wuz never any hand to tell all I knew, I always thought it
wuz best to keep one story back."

But to tell the truth I couldn't see how they represented oceans, only
they wuz both water, but so is a teacupful of water, or a spunful.
Another way they differed from the ocean, the water hain't there all the
time, only once in awhile. Josiah, bent on findin' fault, sez:

"Pretty oceans they be! Dry land most all the time."

But I sez, "I've always wished the Atlantic would dry up long enough for
me to go over afoot or with the old mair, like the Israelites over the
Red Sea, I'd start to-morry." I'm afraid of deep water. Why half the
time I'm afraid of our creek and dassent go acrost the foot bridge.

But the water wuz there when we see 'em, and the Cascades wuz beautiful
as a dream and more beautiful than lots of mine, specially when I'm
tired out.

As to representin' the two oceans, I spoze it means them beautiful
golden tinted statutes, the Spirit of the Atlantic and the Spirit of the
Pacific that stands at the head of the Cascades.

Well, we hung round there a long time, and finally at my request we went
into Festival Hall and sot down a spell and rested. And I thought as I
sot there I'd like to ask Sister Gowdey how big she thought this
buildin' wuz. She would never dream it covered two hull acres, but it
duz, three or four thousand people can set in it, and its organ is the
biggest in the world, more than ten thousand pipes in it and each pipe
as full of music as an egg is of meat.

The two pipes havin' the lowest notes a small horse can walk through or
two good-sized men standin' side by side. So you can imagine the streams
of melody that can float through them immense channels. It has one
hundred and forty stops, every one on 'em that will stop if told to
quick as a wink.

It took a train of ten cars to bring it from Los Angelus where it wuz
made. You can imagine how its music fairly shakes the ground and carries
you off your feet, seemin'ly like the very music of the spears.

Good land! what's Tirzah Ann's organ compared to it? And I thought that
wuz as good as any they make, the agent said it wuz; we paid over sixty
dollars for it.

And who do you think dedicated this most beautiful structure that wuz
ever built, to the music of the biggest organ in the world'? Why, it wuz
woman, my own female sect. I tell you it made me proud to think on't. It
wuz told me by one that wuz there that it wuz filled with wimmen on that
occasion, and as many men as could git in after the wimmen wuz seated.

Jest think on't, oh, my sect! who have been used to sneakin' up back
stairs to look down on men seated in state at banquet tables, or peak
from the gallery at the Capitol to see 'em nobly engaged in makin' laws
to govern her, tellin' her how to spend the money she earned herself,
and how long to send her to jail, and where and when to hang her, and
etcetery; while she could only jest peak at 'em. Oh, my soul! wuzn't it
a agreeable state of affairs the doin's here at Festival Hall? As I said
to Josiah as we sot there, "Don't it show my sect is lookin' up?"

And he said he never found wimmen backward in lookin' up, he said he
never see a place that would dant 'em and stop their tongues from
waggin'. He made light of the great incident and would been glad to had
men dedicate it; indeed he jest the same as told me he felt the
Exposition had stood in its own light in not havin' a certain leadin'
man in Jonesville, who wuz way up in political and moral life, havin'
held the offices of path-master and deacon. "But," sez he, with some
bitterness of sperit and speakin' skornfully:

"What if wimmen did dedicate it? They can git up dressed in their silks
and shiffoniers, and talk, talk, but they can't vote no matter how well
off they be. They've got to pony up and pay taxes and toe the mark in
law jest as men tell 'em to."

"Why," sez he, warmin' with his subject, "we men can set on you in
juries and you can't help yourselves, and hang you and so forth. And you
W.C.T.U. wimmen would have to let your tax money go to pay for drinkin'
shacks if we men of Jonesville, and the world, took it into our heads to
make you. Why," sez he, lookin' more and more big feelin' as he went on,
as why shouldn't he, as he recounted men's glorious advantages,

"Nate Flanders, who is most a fool, can vote and make you knuckle down
and do as he tells you to. And don't you remember that time the 'lection
run so clost they got up old bed-ridden Nate Haskins, whose brain had
been softenin' for years, and his wife had to dress him and git him
ready for the pole, he callin' on his wife, Nancy, to put on every
identical garment and tell where it went, and when they got him to the
pole he wouldn't vote because Nance wuzn't there to tell him which
ticket to vote. She'd jest kep' that voter alive for years, and been
head and hands for him, but she couldn't vote and he could."

Everybody has seen hosses run off the track when they wuz goin' too
fast; Josiah wuz so engaged in runnin' wimmen's pride down, he didn't
realize where he wuz gallopin' to. "And there wuz Jane Ellis who lost
her husband and two boys through drinkin', she had to let her tax money
be used to help nominate a license man, who opened a liquor saloon right
under her nose, and the last boy she had took to drinkin' and killed
himself last week drunk as a fool."

"I'd be ashamed to boast of that, Josiah Allen, I'd be ashamed on't."

"Well," sez he, lookin' kinder meachin', "I didn't say I approved of
that, I only said it to prove how weak and triflin' a thing woman really
is in the eyes of the law." And the rubber-like self-esteem of a male,
havin' sprung back in full force, he went on:

"Why, Miss Corkins, up to Zoar, that pays bigger taxes than any man in
town, earnt it all herself too in the millionary bizness, why, that
snub-nosed nigger that drives for her can vote, and she can't. And then
I'd talk about dedicatin' the biggest buildin' in the world, singin'
hims on the biggest organ and lettin' a few men into the back door--I
wouldn't feel so big about it if I wuz you.

"Why, we men jest throw such little compliments in the way of females to
keep you contented, jest as I throw crumbs from the table to Bruno to
home and pat him on the back. He knows he can't come to the table. We
men jest hang onto the ballot; wimmen hain't goin' to git holt of that
in a hurry and boss us round, no indeed!"

Oh, how obstrepolous and important he did talk and act! And Blandina
lookin' up so admirin' at him and agreein' to every word he said, jest
for all the world like an anty, seemed to rile me worse than anything
else. But as long as I couldn't dispute a word he said, knowin' it wuz
as true as gospel, I kep' demute, and hoped he would take it for a
dignified silence that wouldn't dain to argy.

Well, we had our lunch in a box and a bottle of cold tea, and we eat it,
and rested quite a spell, Josiah's good nater returnin' with every
mouthful he took, till by the time we got ready to start out agin, he
wuz as clever a critter as I want to see.

I wanted to tackle the Palace of Arts next, as it wuz quite nigh by
considerin'. The Fair grounds are so immense that you have to travel
quite a distance to git anywhere. But Josiah said he wanted to see
sunthin' that wuz of practical use, ondervaluin' beauty, the great
Power, as some do. He wanted to see sunthin' solid, such as mines and
metals. And of course Blandina jined in with him, and though that is
what I wanted of her, as second chaperone, it provoked me time and agin;
queer, hain't it?

So as that too wuz quite nigh by, we went to the Palace of Mines and
Metals. It wuz a beautiful buildin', the walls covered with ornamental
carvin' and ornaments, and two tall pillars standin' up each side of the
entrance as if they wuz two Genis jealously guardin' the Under World
from intrusion. But we got by 'em. And what didn't we see there?
Everything that wuz ever dug out of the earth, and the way it wuz
discovered, mined and made useful to man.

Gems, precious stuns, granite, marble and all the processes for cutting
and polishing. Minerals of all kinds, natural mineral paints and
fertilizers, cement, luminants and waters. Asbestos, mica, coal, coal
oil and all the machinery for refining and storing it. Displays for
natural gas, petroleum; everything relating to lighting mines; safety
lamps; oils; electricity; acetyline. Most interestin' display in
geology; all kinds of rocks; crystal; clay; ores; nickel and all the
metals for making iron and steel and makin' 'em right there before you.
Explosives used in the Under World. Everything relating to the workin'
of salt mines; oil wells; metals, photographs; maps, illustrating how
these riches of the earth wuz deposited, and all the machinery for
collecting and making them useful to man.

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