Duty, and other Irish Comedies by Seumas O\'Brien
S >>
Seumas O\'Brien >> Duty, and other Irish Comedies
Pages:
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES
[Illustration: FROM THE DRY POINT STUDY BY P. GRASSBY]
DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES
BY
SEUMAS O'BRIEN
1916
CONTENTS
DUTY
JURISPRUDENCE
MAGNANIMITY
MATCHMAKERS
RETRIBUTION
DUTY
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
CHARACTERS
HEAD CONSTABLE MULLIGAN _A Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_
SERGEANT DOOLEY _A Member of the R.I.C._
CONSTABLE HUGGINS _A Member of the R.I.C._
MICUS GOGGIN
PADNA SWEENEY
MRS. ELLEN COTTER _A public-house keeper_
DUTY was produced for the first time at the Abbey
Theatre, Dublin, December 17, 1913, with the following
cast:
Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C. ARTHUR SINCLAIR
Sergeant Dooley, R.I.C. FRED O'DONOVAN
Constable Huggins, R.I.C. SYDNEY J. MORGAN
Micus Goggin J.M. KERRIGAN
Padna Sweeney J.A. O'ROURKE
Mrs. Ellen Cotter UNA O'CONNOR
DUTY
_Back kitchen of a country public house. Micus and Padna seated at a
table drinking from pewter pints. Mrs. Cotter enters in response to a
call_.
PADNA (_pointing to pint measures_)
Fill 'em again, ma'am, please.
MRS. COTTER (_taking pints, and wiping table_)
Fill 'em again, is it? Indeed I won't do any such thing.
MICUS
Indeed you will, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER
Don't you know that 'tis Sunday night, an' that the police
might call any minute?
MICUS (_disdainfully_)
The police!
PADNA
Bad luck to them!
MICUS Amen!
MRS. COTTER
This will be the last drink that any one will get in
this house to-night.
[_Exit_.
MICUS
'Tis a nice state of affairs to think that dacent men,
after a hard week's work, can't have a drink in pace
and quietness in the town they were born and reared
in, without bein' scared out o' their senses by the
police!
PADNA
'Tis the hell of a thing, entirely! I don't see what's
gained be closin' the pubs at all, unless it be to give
the police somethin' to do.
MICUS
The overfed and undertaught bla'gards!
PADNA
As far as I can see, there's as much drink sold as if
the pubs were never closed.
MICUS
There is, an' more; for if it wasn't forbidden to drink
porter, it might be thought as little about as water.
PADNA
I don't believe that, Micus. Did you ever hear of a
pint or even a gallon of water makin' any one feel
like Napoleon?
[_Mrs. Cotter enters and places drinks on table_.
PADNA (_handing money_)
There ye are, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER (_takes money_)
Hurry now like good boys, for forty shillin's is a lot
to pay for a pint o' porter, an' that's what 'twill cost
ye if the police comes in an' finds ye here. An' I'll
lose me license into the bargain.
[_Exit_.
MICUS
One would think be the way the police are talked
about that they had charge of the whole Universe!
PADNA
An' who else has charge of it but themselves an' the
magistrates, or justices o' the pace, as they're called?
MICUS
They're worse than the police.
PADNA
They're as bad anyway, an' that's bad enough.
MICUS (_scornfully_)
Justices o' the pace!
PADNA
Micus!
MICUS
What?
PADNA (_thoughtfully_)
There's no justice in the world.
MICUS
Damn the bit! Sure 'tisn't porter we should be drinkin'
a cold night like this!
PADNA (_as he sips from pint_)
'Tis well to have it these times.
MICUS
The world is goin' to the dogs, I'm afraid.
PADNA
'Tisn't goin' at all, but gone.
MICUS
An' nobody seems to care.
PADNA
Some pretend they do, like the preachers, but they're
paid for it. I do be often wonderin' after readin' the
newspapers if God has forgotten about the world
altogether.
MICUS
I wouldn't be surprised, for nothin' seems to be right.
There's the police, for instance. They can do what
they like, an' we must do what we're told, like childer.
PADNA
Isn't the world a star, Micus?
MICUS (_with pint to his mouth_)
Of course it is.
PADNA
Then it must be the way that it got lost among all
the other stars one sees on a frosty night.
MICUS
Are there min in the other stars too?
PADNA
So I believe.
MICUS
That's queer.
PADNA
Sure, everythin' is queer.
MICUS
If the min in the other stars are like the peelers, there
won't be much room in Hell after the good are taken
to Heaven on the last day.
PADNA
The last day! I don't like to think about the last day.
MICUS
Why so?
PADNA
Well, 'tis terrible to think that we might be taken to
Heaven, (_pauses_) an' our parents an' childer might
be sent (_points towards the floor_) with the Protestants.
MICUS
If the Protestants will be as well treated in the next
world as they are in this, I wouldn't mind goin' with
'em meself.
PADNA
I wouldn't like to be a Protestant after I'm dead, Micus.
MICUS (_knocks with his pint on the table and Mrs. Cotter
enters; he points to pints_)
The same again, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER
Indeed, ye won't get another drop.
MICUS
This will be our last, ma'am. Don't be hard on us.
'Tis only a night of our lives, an' we'll be all dead
one day.
MRS. COTTER (_as she leaves the room with measures in
hand_)
Ye ought to be ashamed o' yerselves to be seen in
a public house a night like this.
MICUS
We're ashamed o' nothin,' ma'am. We're only ourselves
an' care for nobody.
MRS. COTTER (_turning round_)
Well, this is the very last drink ye'll get then.
[_Exit_.
PADNA
Women are all alike.
MICUS
They are, God forgive them.
PADNA
They must keep talkin'.
MICUS
An' 'tis only a fool that 'ud try to prevent 'em.
MRS. COTTER (_entering and placing measures on table_)
Hurry up, now, an' don't have me at the next Petty
Sessions.
[_Exit_.
MICUS (_after testing drink_)
Nothin' like a good pint o' "Dundon's."
PADNA
'Tis great stuff.
MICUS
May the Lord spare them long, an' they buildin'
houses for the poor an' churches for God!
PADNA
An' all out o' the beer money?
MICUS
Of course. What else could ye make money at in a
country like this?
PADNA
'Tis a thirsty climate!
MICUS
If all those who made money built houses for the poor
an' gave employment, there 'ud soon be no poor at all.
PADNA
You're talkin' what's called socialism now, an' that's
too delicate a plant, like Christianity, to thrive in a
planet like this. So I heard one o' them preacher
chaps sayin' the other evenin'.
MICUS
Well, be all accounts, we're no better off than those
who heard St. Peter himself preachin'. The poor still
only get the promise of Heaven from the clergy.
PADNA
That's all they'll ever get.
MICUS
The world must surely be lost, Padna.
PADNA
Nothin' surer!
MICUS
If God ever goes rummagin' among the stars an' finds
it again, there'll be bad work, I'm thinkin'.
PADNA
I wonder will it be a great fire or another flood?
MICUS
Tis hard to tell!
[_A loud knocking is heard at the door_.
MRS. COTTER (_from the shop_)
Who's there?
VOICE
Police.
PADNA
May ye freeze there!
MICUS
Or trip over the threshold and break ye'r neck!
MRS. COTTER (_rushing into kitchen_)
Quick! quick! quick! (_Points to a door_) This way,
boys!
[_Micus and Padna enter a small room off the kitchen.
Mrs. Cotter locks the door and opens the street door for
the policeman, the knocking getting louder meanwhile_.
MRS. COTTER
Wait a minit! Wait a minit! I'm comin', I'm comin'.
[_Opens door. Enter Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C._
HEAD
You took a long time to open the door, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
I know I did, but it wasn't me fault, Head. I had
the house locked up for the night, an' couldn't find
where I left the kay.
HEAD
'Tis all right, ma'am. I can lose things meself. (_Looks
carefully around_) 'Tis a lonesome thing to see the
house so empty.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis Sunday night, Head.
HEAD
Of course, of course! All the same I'd prefer to see it
full--of bona-fide travellers, I mean.
MRS. COTTER
Thank ye, Head. How's Mrs. Mulligan an' the
childer?
HEAD
Wisha, purty fair. How's the world usin' yourself?
MRS. COTTER
Only for the rheumatics I'd have no cause to grumble.
HEAD
'Tis well to be alive at all these times. An' Ballyferris
isn't the best place to keep any one alive in
winter time.
MRS. COTTER
Or summer time ayther. Whin the weather is good
trade is bad.
HEAD
That's always the way in this world. We're no sooner,
out o' one trouble before another commences. I always
admire the way you bear your troubles, though,
Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER
I does me best, Head.
HEAD
Just like meself! Just like meself! The Government
makes laws an' I must see that they're not broken.
(_Rubbing his hands together_) 'Tis a cold night, an' no
doubt about it.
MRS. COTTER
Bad weather is due to us now.
HEAD
Everythin' bad is due to some of us. Only for that
shark of an Inspector 'tis little trouble I'd be givin'
a dacent woman like yourself a night like this.
MRS. COTTER
He's very strict, I hear.
HEAD
He's strict, disagreeable, a Protestant, a teetotaler,
an' a Cromwellian to boot!
MRS. COTTER
The Lord protect us! 'Tis a wonder you're alive at
all!
HEAD
Wisha, I'm only half alive. The cold never agrees
with me. (_Looking at fire_) That's not a very dangerous
fire, an' I'm as cold as a snowball.
MRS. COTTER (_with her back to the door behind which
Padna and Micus are hiding_) There's a fine fire up-stairs
in the sittin'-room.
HEAD (_draws a chair and sits down_)
Thank ye, ma'am, but 'tisn't worth me while goin'
up-stairs. As I said before, I wouldn't trouble you at
all only for the Inspector, an' like Nelson, he expects
every one to do their duty.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis a hard world.
HEAD
An' a cold world too. I often feels cold on a summer
day.
MRS. COTTER
That's too bad! Is there no cure for it?
HEAD
They say there's a cure for everything.
MRS. COTTER
I wonder if ye took a drop o' "Wise's" ten-year-old!
It might help to warm ye, if ye sat be the fire up-stairs.
HEAD (_brightening up_)
Now, 'pon me word, but that's strange! I was just
thinkin' o' the same thing meself. That's what's
called telepattery or thought transference.
MRS. COTTER
Tella--what, Head?
HEAD (_with confidence_)
Telepattery, ma'am. 'Tis like this: I might be in
America--
MRS. COTTER
I wish you were--
HEAD (_with a look of surprise_)
What's that, ma'am?
MRS. COTTER
I wish for your own sake that you were in a country
where you would get better paid for your work.
HEAD (_satisfied_)
Thank ye, ma'am. I suppose min like meself must
wait till we go to the other world to get our reward.
MRS. COTTER
Very likely!
HEAD
Well, as I was sayin', I might be in America, or New
York, Boston, Chicago, or any o' thim foreign places,
an' you might be in this very house, or up in your
sister's house, or takin' a walk down the town, an'
I'd think o' some thought, an' at that very second
you'd think o' the same thought, an' nayther of us
would know that we were both thinkin' o' the same
thing. That's tellepattery, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis a surprisin' thing, surely! Is it hot or cold you'll
have the whiskey, Head?
HEAD
Cold, if ye please.
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up
and down whistling some popular air. Enter Mrs.
Cotter._
MRS. COTTER
Will I bring it up-stairs for you?
HEAD
Indeed, I'm givin' you too much trouble as it is. I'll
try an' take it where I am. (_Takes glass and tastes_)
That is good stuff.
MRS. COTTER
I'm glad you like it.
HEAD
Who wouldn't like it?
MRS. COTTER
I don't know the taste of it.
HEAD (_as he finishes contents of glass_)
May ye be always so, though there's nothin' like it
all the same. (_Handing coin_) I think I'll have a
little drop from meself this time.
MRS. COTTER (_as she takes the money_)
Will I bring it up-stairs?
HEAD
Erra, don't bother! I'm beginnin' to feel meself again.
[_Fills his pipe until she returns_.
MRS. COTTER (_entering and handing drink_)
Did you bring your overcoat with you, Head?
HEAD
Why so, ma'am?
MRS. COTTER
Because the cold o' the rain is there. I wouldn't
make any delay but go home immediately. You
might get a wettin'.
HEAD (_feeling his tunic_)
This wouldn't leave in a drop o' rain in a hundred
years, ma'am.
[_Knock at door_.
MRS. COTTER
Who's there?
VOICE
Police!
HEAD
Police, did I hear?
MRS. COTTER
'Tis the Sergeant's voice.
HEAD
Glory to be God! I'm ruined! If he finds the smell o'
whiskey from me, he'll tell the Inspector, an' then
Head Constable Mulligan is no more!
MRS. COTTER
Is he as bad as that?
HEAD
He has no conscience at all. He's a friend o' the
Inspector's. (_Knocking continues at door_) Don't open
that door till I tell you--that's if you don't want to
find a corpse on the floor.
MRS. COTTER
Sure, I must open the door.
HEAD
Time enough. He's paid for waitin'. Have you such
a thing as an onion in the house?
MRS. COTTER
I didn't see an onion for the last three weeks.
HEAD (_scratching his head_)
What the blazes will I do? (_Looking towards coal hole_)
Whist! I'm saved. I'll go in here until he's gone.
(_Goes in and puts out his head_) You can open now,
but get rid of him as soon as you can.
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. Enter the Sergeant_.
SERGEANT
So you opened at last. Well, better late than never!
MRS. COTTER
I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Sergeant. I don't
open the door for any one on Sunday nights, an' whin
you said "Police," I thought it was one o' the boys
tryin' to desaive me.
SERGEANT
I see! I see! There's a lot o' desaitful people in the
town, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
There are, Sergeant.
SERGEANT
There are indeed. (_Coughs_) I'm sick an' tired o' the
place altogether.
MRS. COTTER
I thought it agreed with you. You're lookin' very
well, anyway.
SERGEANT
I'm not feelin' well at all thin. (_Coughs_) There's
nothin' more deceptive than looks at times. (_Coughs_)
MRS. COTTER
True.
SERGEANT
'Tis in me bed I should be instead of troublin' dacent
people like yourself a night like this. (_Coughs_) But
duty is duty, an' it must be done. If I didn't do
what I'm told, that bla'gard of a Head Constable
would soon have another an' maybe a worse man in
my place.
MRS. COTTER
The Lord save us!
SERGEANT
But as herself says: There's no use in the Government
makin' laws if the people don't keep them.
MRS. COTTER
That's so.
SERGEANT
Keepin' the world in order is no aisy business, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis a great responsibility.
SERGEANT (_drawing a chair to the fire and sitting down_)
'Pon me word I'm tired an' cold too.
MRS. COTTER
Wouldn't ye go home and go to bed, Sergeant?
SERGEANT
If I went to bed at this hour, the Head would send a
report to his chum the Inspector, statin' that I was
drunk. (_Coughs_)
MRS. COTTER
That's a bad cough. How long is it troublin' ye?
SERGEANT
Only since supper time. I was eatin' a bit o' cold
meat, an' a bone or somethin' stuck there. (_Points at
his throat_)
MRS. COTTER
An' what did ye do for it?
SERGEANT
What could I do for it?
MRS. COTTER
Ye could take a drink o' somethin' an' wash it down.
SERGEANT
I tried some cold tea. (_Coughs_)
MRS. COTTER
I wonder would a bottle of stout do any good.
SERGEANT
'Twould be no harm to try.
MRS. COTTER
Will ye have a bottle?
SERGEANT
To tell ye the truth, I don't like bein' disobligin',
ma'am. (_Coughs_)
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up
and down, whistling the while_.
MRS. COTTER (_at door_)
Ye might as well come up-stairs, Sergeant. There's a
fine fire in the sitting-room.
SERGEANT
I'm first rate where I am. Thank you all the same.
[_Takes stout and finishes it without withdrawing it from
his mouth. Coughs_.
MRS. COTTER
How do you feel now?
SERGEANT (_wiping his mouth with a large old handkerchief_)
'Tis gone! I mean the bone. I feel meself
again.
MRS. COTTER
I'm glad of that. (_Looking at clock_) 'Tis gone half-past
ten, Sergeant.
SERGEANT
Plenty o' time. We'll be a long time dead, an' happy
I hope.
MRS. COTTER
Amen!
SERGEANT
'Tis my belief that we should all try to do good while
we're alive.
MRS. COTTER
There's a lot o' good people in the world, Sergeant.
SERGEANT
There is, ma'am, but nearly every one o' them thinks
that they're better than what they are. That's what
annoys me.
MRS. COTTER
Sure 'tis imagination that keeps the world movin'.
SERGEANT
Yes, an' ambition. All the same, 'tis a good job that
people can't see themselves as they really are.
MRS. COTTER
They wouldn't believe that they were themselves if
they could.
SERGEANT
I suppose not.
MRS. COTTER
Won't ye come up to the fire in the sittin'-room?
SERGEANT
Don't be worryin' about me. I'm all right. That was
good stout.
MRS. COTTER
The best!
SERGEANT
'Tis a cure for nearly everythin'. Only for takin' a
little now an' again, I'd never be able to stand all the
hardships o' me profession.
MRS. COTTER
Hard work isn't easy.
SERGEANT
True! But a good drop o' stout, or better still "spirits"
makes many things easy. 'Tis the seed o' pluck,
so to speak. I'm feelin' just a little queer about the
nerves. I think I'll have a drop o' "Wise's."
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away he fills his pipe_.
MRS. COTTER (_entering with drink_)
That's like the noise of a row down the road.
SERGEANT
Erra, let 'em row away! The Head is prowlin' about.
Let him separate 'em. 'Tis about time he did somethin'
for his livin'. 'Tis a damn shame to have the
poor rate payers supportin' the likes of him.
MRS. COTTER
I wouldn't be talkin' like that, Sergeant.
SERGEANT
Why wouldn't I talk? There's as many Head Constables
as clergy in the country, an' only for the sergeants
an' an odd constable 'tis unknown what 'ud
happen!
MRS. COTTER
The Head is a dacent gentleman.
SERGEANT
You don't know anythin' about him. Grumblin' about
havin' to shave himself he does be now, an' only for
havin' a bald patch on one side of his face, he'd let
his whiskers grow altogether.
[_The Head sneezes in the coal hole_.
SERGEANT
What noise is that?
MRS. COTTER (_startled_)
That's only the cat in the coal hole.
SERGEANT (_leaving his chair and moves toward it_)
He must be suffocatin'. I'll open the door an' let
him out. Under the grate he should be a cold night
like this. (_Opens the door and sees the Head_) Heavens
be praised! 'Tis the Head himself!
[_The Head comes out, arranges his cap, and is not aware
that he has a black spot on his nose_.
HEAD
'Tis the Head an' every inch an' ounce of him too
that stands before ye.
SERGEANT
I thought 'twas y'er ghost I saw.
HEAD (_angrily_)
What the blazes would me ghost be doin' in a coal hole?
SERGEANT
What I'd like to know is what y'erself have been doin'
there.
HEAD
That won't take me long to tell. Waitin' and watchin'
to catch the likes o' you is what took me there.
SERGEANT
Now, Head, with all due respects, I'd try an' tell the
truth if I were you.
HEAD
Sergeant Dooley, sir, anythin' you'll say or be likely
to say 'll be used in evidence against you.
SERGEANT
An' anythin' that you say or don't say may be used
in evidence against you.
HEAD (_enraged_)
Sergeant Dooley!
SERGEANT (_coolly_)
Yes, Head.
HEAD
Do you know that y'er addressin' y'er superior officer?
SERGEANT
The less said about superiority the better.
HEAD
You can't deny that I found you drinkin' on these
licensed premises while on duty.
SERGEANT
I might as well tell you candidly that you have no
more chance o' frightenin' me or desaivin' me than
you have of catchin' whales in Casey's duck-pond.
HEAD (_passionately_)
I'll--I'll--I--
SERGEANT
You'll have a drink from me, an' we'll say no more
about the matter. I wouldn't blame any man for
takin' a drop a cold night like this. I suppose 'twill
be "Wise's" the same as the last? That's if me sense
o' smell isn't out of order.
HEAD (_crestfallen, blows his breath on the palm of his
hand and looks at the Sergeant_) Is it as bad as that?
SERGEANT
I smelt it the instant I came in, an' wondered where
'twas comin' from.
HEAD
I only took it to avoid catchin' cold.
SERGEANT
Just like meself. We must avoid catchin' cold at any
cost. (_To Mrs. Cotter_) Two glasses o' "Wise's,"
ma'am."
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter_.
SERGEANT (_to Head_)
Wait, an' I'll wipe that black spot off ye'r nose.
[_He does so. Enter Mrs. Cotter_.
MRS. COTTER (_handing drinks_)
The fire up-stairs is blazing away, an' there's no one
sittin' by it.
HEAD
We're all right. (_Holding glass_) Here's long life to us!
SERGEANT
Health an' prosperity!
HEAD (_after finishing drink_)
We must have another, for I'm not feelin' too well,
an' 'tis better be on the safe side. 'Twas through
neglect that some o' the best min died.
SERGEANT
We must not forget that!
HEAD (_to Mrs. Cotter_)
The same again, Mrs. Cotter.
[_Exit Mrs. Cotter with glasses_.
HEAD
I saw be the papers last night that the Royal Irish
Constabulary are the finest in the world.
SERGEANT
Sure every one knows that!
HEAD
I wonder what kind are all the others?
SERGEANT
That's what I'd like to know.
MRS. COTTER (_at door_)
Will I bring them up to the sittin'-room, gentlemen?
HEAD
We're first class as we are, ma'am.
[_Mrs. Cotter hands the glasses and a loud knock is
heard at the door_.
MRS. COTTER
Who's there?
VOICE
Police!
HEAD
'Tis the constable!
SERGEANT
The bla'gard surely!
HEAD
What'll we do?
SERGEANT
Take the drinks first, an' consider after.
[_They finish drinks and hand back the glasses to Mrs.
Cotter_.
HEAD
I suppose we had better hide in the coal hole. He has
a better nose than yourself, an' one word from him to
the Inspector would soon deprive us o' both stripes
an' pensions.
SERGEANT
I suppose the coal hole is the best place, though it
does offend me dignity to go there.
HEAD
Wisha, bad luck to you an' ye'r dignity. Come on
here!
[_The Head enters, and the Sergeant follows. Mrs. Cotter
opens the street door and the Constable enters._
CONSTABLE (_sarcastically_)
Thanks very much for openin' the door, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Constable. I was
sayin' me prayers up-stairs before goin' to bed.
CONSTABLE
If I had known that, I wouldn't have disturbed you.
I hope you said one for me.
MRS. COTTER
Of course I did. I always ses a prayer for the police.
CONSTABLE
An' right too, ma'am, for 'tis little time we have for
prayin'. There's no rest for a man once he joins the
Force. Whin y're not kept busy thinkin' o' one thing,
y're kept busy thinkin' o' somethin' else.
MRS. COTTER
Thinkin' is worse than workin'.
CONSTABLE
A hundred times. (_Looking at his watch_) 'Tis a long
time since first Mass this mornin'. Saturday! Sunday!
Monday! 'Tis all the same whin y're in the
Force. On y'er feet all day, an' kep' awake be the
childer all night. An' whin pay day comes, all y'er
hard earnin's goes to keep the wolf from the door.
MRS. COTTER
God help us!
CONSTABLE
Say what ye will, but life is an awful bother.
MRS. COTTER
We must go through it.
CONSTABLE
Well, 'tis a good job we don't live as long as the
alligators. We might have to support our grandchilder
if we did, an' I may tell you it gives me enough
to do to support me own.
MRS. COTTER
How many have you now, Constable?
CONSTABLE
Seven, an' the wife's mother.
MRS. COTTER
I thought she was dead.
CONSTABLE (_disgusted_)
Dead! There's five years more in her!
MRS. COTTER
You seem to be in a very bad humor to-night.
CONSTABLE
An' why not? When I have to put up with that
bla'gard of a Sergeant--not to mention the Head-constable!
MRS. COTTER
We all have our troubles.
CONSTABLE
Some of us get more than our share. An' 'tis far
from troublin' a dacent woman like you I'd be, only
for the Sergeant, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
Excuse me, Constable. I can't keep me eyes open
with the sleep.
CONSTABLE
I'm sorry for troublin' you. But duty is duty, an' it
must be done whether we give offence to our best
friends or not. Sure, 'tis well I know that you have
no one on the premises.
MRS. COTTER
We can't please everybody.
CONSTABLE (_as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down_)
Who would try? I wonder is it snow we're goin' to
have?
MRS. COTTER
If you're cold, come up to the fire in the sittin'-room.
Or if I were you, I'd take a good walk.
CONSTABLE
I'm tired o' walkin', an' the cold gives me no trouble.
'Tis the pains I have here (_placing his hand on his
heart_) that affects me.
MRS. COTTER
What sort are they?
CONSTABLE
Cramps--of the worst kind.
MRS. COTTER
Gracious me! Have you taken anythin' for them?
CONSTABLE
What would be good for 'em?
MRS. COTTER
Hot milk an' pepper.
CONSTABLE
I tried that.
MRS. COTTER
Anythin' else?
CONSTABLE
Nothin' except a smoke.
MRS. COTTER
Maybe a little drop o' "Wise's" would do some good?
CONSTABLE
I'd try anythin' that 'ud lessen the pain, though I'd
rather not be troublin' ye.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis no trouble at all.
[_Exit. While she is away, something falls in the room
where Micus and Padna are. The Constable fails to
open the door, and returns to his chair before Mrs.
Cotter comes back with the drink_.
MRS. COTTER (_handing glass_)
Drink that up, go straight home, bathe ye'r feet in
mustard an' water, an' ye'll be as strong as a Protestant
in the mornin'!
CONSTABLE (_taking glass_)
Thank ye, ma'am.
[_Drinks it off. The Head in the coal hole sneezes, and
the Sergeant shouts_ "God bless us!"
CONSTABLE
What's that?
MRS. COTTER
Oh, that's nothin'.
[_Another sneeze and_ "God bless us!"
CONSTABLE
Well, if that nothin' isn't somethin', I'm dotin'.
[_Opens door and Head and Sergeant fall out on the
floor_.
Pages:
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6