Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 9, 1919 by Various
V >>
Various >> Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 9, 1919
John's chit came back three days later. "Will this officer state his
urgent and private reasons, please?"
"Ah!" said John, "enemy attitude hostile." Nevertheless he stated as
required.
Three days later it came back again with the request that this officer
further state his reasons, please.
"Enemy attitude distinctly hostile," said John, and committed himself
further.
Nothing happened for a week and John's hopes ran high. "It must be
through, old man," he declared, "or it would have been back before
now."
But when at the end of the week it came back for further information
his ardour cooled somewhat, and when, three days later, it turned up
once more with a request for his urgent and private reasons, John in
a fit of exasperation retorted that if the matter was kept much longer
it wouldn't be urgent, and if they enquired much further it wouldn't
be private. That finished him, and he got no leave.
My application was still on the tapis. Eventually it returned. "This
officer can be granted leave only on condition that he promises to
serve with the Rhine Army."
"Go on," said John; "promise."
So I promised.
Now, looking over the situation, we find that it amounts to this: John
has no job and never will have till he can get leave to look for one.
He can't get leave. That's John.
I have a job (I haven't really) if I can get leave to attend an
interview. I've got leave, but only on the understanding that when
I've got the job I refuse it because I've promised to serve on the
Rhine. That's me.
We are now thinking out the next move.
* * * * *
THE MATERNAL INSTINCT.
_Mr. Crabbe Hermitage to Mrs. Bonnamy_.
_March 30th_.
MY DEAR MRS. BONNAMY,--I am glad to report that my journey was
accomplished in safety and comparative comfort. Indeed my housekeeper
was surprised that I showed so few traces of fatigue. This, I tell
her, was due to the kind care and consideration experienced by me
throughout my sojourn beneath your hospitable roof.
Please inform Miss Chance that the carriage _was_ a through one. This
may relieve her of any possible anxiety as to her own journey with
her mother. I much appreciated her consideration in seeing me into
the train, and trust that the weather will prove favourable for their
return to town.
Although the week I passed in your society will always be an agreeable
memory it carries with it the penalty of an increased sense of my
solitary life, and I feel that your remarks were not without justice.
With kind regards,
Believe me, Yours sincerely,
THOS. CHABBE HERMITAGE.
_Mr. Crabbe Hermitage to Mrs. Mayne Chance_.
_April 3rd_.
MY DEAR MRS. MAYNE CHANCE,--Ever since my return from the visit
which gave me so much happiness in your society and that of your dear
daughter, I have wondered whether I dared address you upon a point
which concerns me intimately. Have you reason to suppose that her
affections are engaged in any quarter? Believe me that I seek this
information from no idle curiosity, but solely that I may know whether
there is any obstacle to my making a certain proposal. I naturally
shrink from intruding myself between a mother and daughter whose
companionship is so close and am well aware of the disparity in our
ages, but if you could encourage me to proceed you would confer the
greatest happiness upon a very lonely man.
Believe me, Yours very sincerely,
THOMAS CRABBE HERMITAGE.
_Mrs. Mayne Chance to Mr. Crabbe Hermitage_.
_April 4th_.
MY DEAR MR. CRABBE HERMITAGE,--Your letter has come as the greatest
surprise. I suppose mothers cannot expect to keep for ever at their
daughters' side, but the parting is robbed of its bitterness when
_other_ considerations are involved.
I questioned the dear child this morning and she confessed, as indeed
I suspected, that she is not indifferent to the attentions of the son
of a neighbour of ours. But anyhow there need be no obstacle in that
quarter. She is far too sensible and unselfish, as only I know. Surely
there is not such a disparity of age as you seem to think! But perhaps
I have said too much.
Most sincerely yours,
MELISSA MAYNE CHANCE.
_Mr. Crabbe Hermitage to Miss Chance_.
_April 5th_.
MY DEAR MISS CHANCE,--I wrote to your dear mother two days ago to
endeavour to ascertain whether you would view favourably the proposal
which I wished to make. Her reply was, on the whole, encouraging,
but it is far from being my wish that in seeking my own happiness you
should sacrifice your own. More I will not permit myself to add until
you have reassured my mind.
Believe me, Your sincere Friend,
THOS. CRABBE HERMITAGE.
_From Miss Chance to Mr. Crabbe Hermitage_.
_April 6th_.
DEAR MR. CRABBE HERMITAGE,--Yes, mother told me all about it, and I
think it is perfectly lovely. Of course I would never stand in the way
of your happiness and you need not consider me at all. She is so happy
about it, and of course I am too.
Yours very sincerely, EDITH CHANCE.
_From Mr. Crabbe Hermitage to Mrs. Mayne Chance_.
_April 7th_.
MY DEAR MRS. MAYNE CHANCE,--I have received a letter from dearest
Edith which removes the only obstacle to the realization of the wish
of my heart. Rest assured that my every endeavour shall be to prove
worthy of this great happiness. If quite convenient I hope to call on
the 9th instant to offer myself in person.
Believe me, Your sincere Friend,
THOS. CRABBE HERMITAGE.
_From Mrs.-Mayne Chance to Mr. Crabbe Hermitage_.
_April 8th_.
MY DEAR THOMAS,--For I must call you this without waiting till to
morrow! I knew the dear child would share our happiness. How could
you ever doubt it? Only this morning she said there was no one in the
world she would like better for a father than you. But I mustn't begin
by making you vain! Oh dear! I wish to-day was to-morrow.
Your MELISSA.
* * * * *
THE LAST-STRAW.
I don't agree with grousing, and I trust I shall escape any
Desire to pick a quarrel with an egg at fivepence ha'penny;
I'm quite prepared to recognise that no persuasive charm'll aid
In getting from a grocer either cheese or jam or marmalade;
I brave the brackish bacon and refrain from ever uttering
Complaints about the margarine that on my bread I'm buttering;
I'm not unduly bored with CHARLIE CHAPLIN on the cinema
And view serenely miners agitating for their minima;
I sit with resignation in a study stark and shivery,
Desiderating coal with little hope of its delivery;
I realise that getting into tram or tube's improbable
And pardon profiteers for robbing ev'ryone that's robable;
I don't mind cleaning doorsteps in the view of all ignoble eyes
(Now Mary, my domestic, has decided to demobilise);
Though life is like a poker that you've handled at the vivid end
And all my wretched companies have ceased to pay a dividend--
All these and other worries, though they're very near the limit, I
Maintain that I can face with philosophic equanimity;
But, when I by my family and fond and fussy friends am asked
To trot about in public with my features influenza-masked,
My sense of humour wrings from me (or possibly a lack of it)
The protest of the camel at the straw that breaks the back of it.
* * * * *
RECONSTRUCTION IN LONDON.
Extract from a recent novel:--
"She sat at her desk and, without any palpable hesitation,
wrote to Stanley asking him to meet her within an hour by
the bridge over the Serpentine in St. James's Park."
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE MAKING OF HISTORY.
1915. THE PURCHASE OF THE SOUVENIR.
1920. "THAT'S A SOUVENIR OF MY JOB AT HAVRE--
1925. --OF MY SERVICE IN FRANCE--
1930. --OF MY ACTIVE SERVICE--
1935. --OF MY FIGHTING DAYS
1940. GOT THAT IN THE BIG PUSH
1945. --FIERCE FIGHTING IT WAS--
1950. --DESPERATE FIGHTING.
1955. --HACKED MY WAY THROUGH--
1960. --RIGHT UP TO THEIR GENERAL--
1965. --CUT HIS HEAD OFF--
1970. --_THAT_ WAS ON IT!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Infatuated Little Boy_. "I WISH YOU CAME TO OUR
CHURCH. WHY DON'T YOU?"
_Little Girl_. "MOTHER SAYS IT'S TOO HIGH."
_I.L.B_. "IS THAT ALL? WELL, I'LL SPEAK TO DADDY, AND I'M SURE HE'LL
FIX THAT UP ALL RIGHT."]
* * * * *
A GENTLE HINT.
The Corps Commander paced thoughtfully down the street of a
half-ruined village in France and his thoughts were pleasant; for he
alone amongst all other Corps Commanders was the owner of a cow. There
was no other cow in the whole army nearer than G.H.Q., and he pictured
the envy of brother Generals when he invited them to come in and have
a glass of milk.
The Assistant Provost-Marshal stood at his office window and gazed
out upon his garden. His thoughts were also pleasant, for the garden
belonged to him by right of billet law, and in the garden grew
strawberries rich and ripe.
The A.P.M. pictured the envy of brother A.P.M.'s when he should ask
them to a strawberry feast.
The Corps Commander's thoughtful wanderings took him by chance through
the A.P.M.'s garden, and as he walked he stooped now and again and
picked some of the sacred fruit.
The A.P.M. swelled with impotent anger, for the Corps Commander was
known to be "hot stuff," and nobody had told him "not to do it" for a
very long time.
That night the A.P.M. sought the company of his friend the R.E.
officer and told his troubles.
The R.E. officer had been a journalist before the War and had learnt
to say and write rude things without offence. He was also the owner of
wood and paint and brushes.
The next morning a large notice-board reared its head above the
scarlet fruit of the strawberry bed:--
ANYONE FOUND PICKING THESE STRAWBERRIES
WILL HAVE HIS COW SHOT.
* * * * *
"Express Train to the Orient.
The itinerary will include London, Paris, Vallorbe, Lausanne,
the Simpleton, Milan, Trieste and beyond. The first train is
fixed to leave Paris on April 15."--_Provincial Paper_.
"All Fools' Day" would have been more appropriate for the "Simpleton"
route.
* * * * *
The following advertisement appeared in a French provincial paper:--
"TAKE KERE!
Ask always the interchanging thooth made by this inventors in
this mastery. The interchanging tooth is able for any people
and it is very good and not dear.
The imperfections of the mouth, resulting of a bad dentition,
are stricken away by the application of the interchanging
Thooth. That toolh it is not expensive and you can changed
in five minutes if it broked.
Gives you all guarontees of perfect natural immitation.
ENGLISH SPOKEN."
But, as you may have remarked, not invariably written.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CRAMPING HIS STYLE.
BRITISH LION: "I'M GETTING A BIT TIRED OF THIS LADY. AFTER ALL, I _AM_
A LION, AND NOT AN ASS."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, March 31st._--Colonel WILLIAM THORNE has the credit of
eliciting from the Government the most hopeful statement about Peace
which has yet been made. To the hon. and gallant Member's suggestion
that May 1st should be declared a general holiday, if Peace was signed
before that date, Mr. BONAR LAW replied that it would be considered.
It is fortunate that the PARLIAMENTARY SECRETARY TO THE BOARD OF TRADE
possesses a most imperturbable character. He is daily bombarded with
the most diverse questions regarding the effects of the Government's
fiscal policy. The paper manufacturers are being ruined because
paper is being allowed in; export traders are suffering because glass
bottles are kept out; the textile trades cannot compete with their
foreign rivals because of the high price of olive-oil. But for all
inquirers Mr. BRIDGEMAN has a soft answer, delivered in level tones,
discouraging further catechism.
A delightful inconsistency is one of Lord HENRY CAVENDISH-BENTINCK'S
many claims upon the affection of the House. Not long ago he wrote a
book in praise of Toryism as a democratic creed; so it was perfectly
natural that when Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH (a Coalition Liberal) had
explained that law and order must be restored before an inquiry could
usefully be held into the causes of the Egyptian riots Lord HENRY
should burst out with, "When will my hon. friend begin to apply
Liberal principles?"
Mr. BOTTOMLEY is the latest convert to "P.R.," as the result of a
mock-election in which he came out top of the poll, with the PRIME
MINISTER second, Mr. HOGGE third, and Messrs. BALFOUR and ASQUITH
among the "also ran;" but Mr. BONAR LAW, who can be very dense when he
likes, did not see in that an argument for the general adoption of the
system.
The "Wee Frees" made a last and unavailing attempt to defeat the new
Military Service Bill. Mr. GEORGE THORNE, Major HAYWARD and others
made great play with the PRIME MINISTER'S "No Conscription" pledge,
and Mr. NEWBOULD in a maiden speech declared that what West Leyton
had said yesterday England would say to-morrow. But it was noticeable
that not one of the opponents of the Bill was unwilling to give the
Government the powers they required if they were really necessary.
Mr. CHURCHILL revealed himself in a new _role_ as a financier, and
proved to his own satisfaction that the Army Estimates of L506,500,000
would, if properly manipulated, work out at little more than a fourth
of that amount. Between now and the Budget Mr. CHAMBERLAIN might do
worse than get his versatile colleague to explain away the National
Debt.
[Illustration: THE PROMISE OF MAY.
_Peace_. "IF YOU'RE WAKING, CALL ME EARLY, CALL ME EARLY, BONAR DEAR,
FOR I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY, BONAR; I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."]
_Tuesday, April 1st_.--Twenty years ago there used to be a not
infrequent headline in _The Times_, "The Duke of Devonshire on
Technical Education," which always struck on my frivolous spirit
with a touch of infinite prose. It is the same nowadays, I regret to
say, with a Lords' debate on the national resources. The Upper House
is filled with eminent financiers--men who think in millions and
who under our glorious Constitution may not propose an expenditure
of sixpence without the consent of Tom, Dick and Harry in the
Commons--and they all talk the most excellent good sense. But whether
such unimpeachable truisms as that "this huge Debt is going to be a
terrible handicap to this country" (Lord LANSDOWNE), or that "what
applies to private credit and private economy may be in the main taken
to apply to public economy and also to public credit" (Lord CREWE),
are going to have much effect upon the demands of the Labour Party, to
whom they were directly addressed, I am rather inclined to doubt.
It is refreshing to note, however, that the Commons had a brief
spasm of economy. Under the financial resolution of the Ways and
Communications Bill the new Minister would have had almost unlimited
powers of initiating great enterprises without the consent of
Parliament. Mr. R.J. MCNEILL alluded (without acknowledgment to Mr.
Punch) to the hero _Eric; or, Little by Little_, and urged that
not even "a Napoleon of administration" ought to be trusted with
a blank cheque. He rather spoilt a good case by referring to the
new Minister's financial relations with his late employers, the
North-Eastern Railway; but his argument was so far successful that
Mr. BONAR LAW undertook first that a Treasury watchdog should be
permanently installed in the new Ministry, with instructions to bark
whenever he saw any sign of extravagance; and, secondly, that the
Minister should not have power to initiate any enterprise involving
large expenditure--he suggested a million as a moderate limit--without
the direct sanction of Parliament.
After this achievement Members felt that a rest was necessary. So the
Housing Bill was postponed, and after two or three Scottish Bills had
received a second reading the House counted itself out, and Members
went to their dinners feeling as comfortably virtuous as the Boy Scout
who has done his good deed for the day.
_Wednesday, April 2nd_.--The unemployment donation was the theme of
innumerable inquiries. The MINISTER OF LABOUR was forced to admit
that Parliament had at present furnished him with no direct authority
to spend a million or so a week on this form of out-door relief, but
hoped that it would be kind enough to do so when the Appropriation
Bill came along. A statement that in Ireland men were coming for their
donation in motorcars aroused the sympathy of Mr. JACK JONES, who said
that surely they were entitled to an occasional ride, but did not go
so far as to suggest that the Government should organise a service of
cars to be at their disposal.
A suggestion to incorporate in the Army Annual Bill one of Dora's most
stringent regulations for the prevention of criticism upon military
matters aroused much indignation. Mr. BEN TILLETT observed that,
if it were retained, Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. BOTTOMLEY and even Sir
HENRY DALZIEL might soon be conducting their various journals from a
prison-cell. This possibility may have mitigated but it did not wholly
remove the objections to the clause, which Mr. CHURCHILL ultimately
withdrew.
A debate on the popular theme, "Make Germany Pay!" was initiated by
Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER, who not long ago produced a specific scheme for
extracting twenty-five thousand millions from the enemy--a scheme
which by its unconventional handling of the rules of arithmetic
excited the amazed admiration of professional financiers. Possibly Mr.
BONAR LAW, as ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, was jealous because he
had not thought of it first. At any rate he subjected the plan to so
much caustic criticism that Col. LOWTHER, having appealed in vain for
the protection of his namesake in the Chair, walked out of the House.
[Illustration: _Treasury Bulldog (to Minister of Transportation)_.
"ERIC--NAUGHTY!"]
_Thursday, April 3rd_.--Some of NAPOLEON'S many complaints of his
treatment at St. Helena concerned the cost and quality of his food.
The exile of Amerongen need have no fears on that score should the
Allies decide to remove him to Longwood, for the present Governor has
been so successful in keeping down the price of foodstuffs that the
merchants of the island have petitioned for his recall.
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER has so far relaxed his _non-possumus_
attitude on the joint income-tax question as to consent to receive
a deputation of Members interested, and even to allow them to be
accompanied by a small number of ladies. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, by the
way, has exchanged his hereditary monocle for a pair of ordinary
spectacles, which may account for his taking a less one-sided view of
this question.
Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR now enjoys the distinction of being the "Father"
of the House of Commons, having sat there uninterruptedly since the
General Election of 1880. Perhaps his new dignity sits rather heavily
on his youthful spirit, for his speech on the Irish Estimates was
painfully lugubrious. He took some comfort from a statement in _The
Times_ that "We are all Home Rulers now," but as a veteran journalist
he is probably aware that what _The Times_ says to-day it will not
necessarily say to-morrow.
"Leave politics alone and give us decent houses for our people
and better education for our children" was Sir EDWARD CARSON'S
prescription for invalid Erin; and Mr. IAN MACPHERSON, making his
first speech as Chief Secretary, indicated that he meant to apply it.
But the patient is suffering from so many disorders at present that
she must have a tonic--with iron in it--before her Constitution can
be regarded as completely restored.
* * * * *
P.B.
Oft when the world was bent
Solely on killing
Heard we in Parliament
PEMBERTON billing.
Now the Dove hovers near,
Now the League's brewing,
May we not hope to hear
PEMBERTON cooing?
* * * * *
MACEDONIA.
The Allies having won the War, and myself having been released from
the hands of the Hun, I spent a happy repatriation leave, and began to
think about soldiering again. My orders were to rejoin my reserve unit
in the North of England.
Before the time came, however, a friend of mine, an educational staff
officer in Ireland, wrote to me and suggested that I should go over
and give him the assistance of my superior intelligence. I replied
that I would be delighted. He then wrote:--
"My dear K----,--I am so pleased that you are willing to come over
to Macedonia and help us. You had better ask War Office for a week's
extension of leave, by which time my application for you will probably
have filtered through. That will save you the trouble of rejoining
your reserve unit."
I thought this an excellent plan and went to the War Office to see
about it.
After the customary wait I was granted a few moments of a Staff
Officer's precious time.
"What do you want?" said the Staff Officer. He seemed used to meeting
people who wanted things, and familiarity had evidently bred contempt.
I humbly explained.
"Have you got a written authority to support your application?" he
asked.
I produced my friend's letter, which was endorsed with the stamp of
his Command Headquarters.
The Staff Officer, standing (not out of politeness, I am sure), read
the letter. Then he looked up, suspicion in his eye and in the cock of
his head.
"I don't understand this," he said. "You told me you wanted to go to
Ireland. This letter distinctly refers to your going to Macedonia."
"Macedonia!" I echoed (I had forgotten my friend's Biblical way of
expressing himself).
"Yes, Macedonia," snapped the Staff Officer. "Balkans, isn't it?
Something to do with Salonika?"
"Macedonia!" I repeated, still mystified.
"Yes, yes--Macedonia," he snapped, obviously suspecting me of trying
to obtain a week's leave on false pretences. "Here it is, in black and
white, 'so pleased that you are willing to come over to Macedonia and
help us.' I don't understand this at all."
He handed me the letter. Then I realised what was amiss. My friend
had not reckoned with the War Office. They call a spade a spade in
Whitehall (unless they refer to it as "shovels, one.")
"Oh," said I, "I see. Yes, Macedonia. Slight misunderstanding. It's
written from Ireland all right. There's the Irish Command stamp on it.
'Come over to Macedonia and help us.' Biblical phrase. St. PAUL, you
know. Just a figure of speech. My friend meant it metaphorically."
"The devil he did," barked the Staff man. "Then why the blazes didn't
he say so?"
Of course, why didn't he say so? Very stupid of him. One can't be too
literal in dealing with the War Office, that notorious fount of clear
and orderly diction.
My plan nearly went West, and I was nearly sent East. It was only the
Headquarters' stamp that turned the scale in my favour.
It was lucky for my friend that I ultimately got leave to help him
in his educational duties. Cleanly he is himself sadly lacking in the
very rudiments of official culture.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Magistrate_. "BUT WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO ALLOW A MAN
OF THE PRISONER'S PHYSIQUE TO GIVE YOU A BLACK EYE?"
_Constable_. "ON THE MORNING OF TOOSDAY, THE FIRST OF APRIL, YOUR
WORSHIP, I WAS ON DOOTY OUTSIDE THE 'DOOK OF WELLINGTON' PUBLIC-'OUSE,
WHEN, AT THE INSTIGATION OF THE PRISONER, MY ATTENTION WAS DRAWN TO
SOMETHIN' THAT WASN'T THERE. 'E THEN 'IT ME."]
* * * * *
THE LETTERS THAT COUNT.
["Meanwhile one sighs for the letters which do not
exist."--C.K.S., in "_The Sphere_."]
I never have felt any hunger,
Apart from my shortage of gold,
For the spoils of the autograph-monger,
The screeds of the sages of old;
By envy unvexed and unsmitten
I study the connoisseur's list,
But I sigh for the letters unwritten,
Or those that no longer exist.
The notes, for example, that Hector
Despatched to his Andromache,
When, tied to a troublesome sector,
He couldn't get home to his tea;
Or the messages CAESAR kept sending
To pacify QUEEN CLEOPAT,
When, simply from fear of offending
The mob, he avoided her flat.
But even more impetus giving,
More apt to inspire and refresh,
Are the letters addressed to the living
By writers no more in the flesh--
The epistles to WILCOX from SHELLEY,
From LANDOR to Mrs. JOHN LANE,
From SWIFT to Miss MARIE CORELLI,
From POPE to Sir THOMAS HALL CAINE;
The instructions to NORTHCLIFFE from BONEY,
The comments of SHAKSPEARE on SHAW,
COLUMBUS'S hints to MARCONI,
TOM HUGHES'S to young ALEC WAUGH,
Or a letter to cheer her supporter
In CHARLOTTE'S own delicate fist,
Enclosing her photo to SHORTER--
A letter which does not exist.
For relics of _this_ sort I hanker,
For these, when they're offered for sale,
I will beg overdrafts from my banker
And bid on a liberal scale;
For the arts of the DOYLES and the LODGES
Are bound to contribute new grist
To SOTHEBY'S mills and to HODGE'S
In the letters which do not exist.