Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 26, 1917 by Various
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 153
DECEMBER 26, 1917
CHARIVARIA.
Victory is only a question of keeping cool, says VON TIRPITZ. A
long-suffering Fatherland anticipates no difficulty whatever in
following his advice during the winter.
***
A semi-official message from Berlin declares that Jerusalem was
evacuated because Germany's friends did not desire to see battles
fought over sacred ground. The Sultan of TURKEY is reported to have
wired to the KAISER to think of another.
***
America is still breaking all records. A native artist has painted
a picture which is said to be sixty feet by nineteen, the largest
miniature ever painted in America.
***
It is rumoured that at a provincial Tribunal the other day an
applicant asked for a further six months' exemption as he had a wife
and a position in a butter queue to maintain.
***
It seems useless to attempt to cope with the multiplicity of events in
these days. Cuba has declared war on Austria; the KAISER threatens
to make a Christmas peace offer, and Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has
described himself as "a mere individual." And this all in one week.
***
According to Dean INGE, Germany is in many ways the best governed
country in Europe. She certainly seems to have a better governed
clergy than ours.
***
Much relief is felt at the announcement that rather than endanger the
Allies' "solidarity" Lord LANSDOWNE has promised not to agree with
President WILSON again.
***
Bloaters have reached the unprecedented price of six-pence each. It
was hoped that, at any rate, over the Christmas season they would
remain within reach of the upper classes.
***
A man has been charged with stealing a railway sandwich at Harwich. It
appears that the poor fellow, who was lonely, wanted to take it home
as a pet.
***
A contemporary has a headline, "Swearing in the New French Cabinet."
They are beginning early.
***
For adding water to his employer's milk a dairyman's assistant has
been sent to prison. Innocent dairymen must of course be protected.
***
Smokers complain that they are discovering unfamiliar substances in
their tobacco. A sensation has been caused by the expert statement
that they are tobacco.
***
Orchids were sold for as little as two-pence each at a recent sale,
and alarmed growers are clamouring for the immediate appointment of an
Orchid Controller.
***
An evening paper correspondent has complained that he has searched
the shops in vain for a tortoise. So far the various Government
Departments have maintained a dignified silence.
***
It is all nonsense for a contemporary to say that the blizzard in the
North on a recent Saturday did no damage. Several of the football
results were delayed.
***
While visiting Seaton College, New York, the other day, Mr. ROOSEVELT
saluted a statue of ALEXANDER THE GREAT. We have always maintained
that there is nothing petty about the EX-PRESIDENT.
***
The most striking announcement of the year 1917 comes just when it is
almost used up. "There is a steady demand for money," says a Stock
Exchange report.
***
A mummified duck, estimated to be two thousand years old, has been
discovered in a sandstone stratum in Iowa. It is not often that the
poulterers of Iowa are caught napping.
***
An American policeman is said to have written two successful musical
comedies. If we remember rightly it was an English policeman who first
composed the Frog's March.
***
At a Guildford charity fete the winner of a hurdle race was awarded a
new-laid egg. If he succeeds in winning it three years in succession
it is to become his own property.
***
The L.B. & S.C. Railway desire to state that the train from which the
deserter jumped without injuring himself was not really doing its
best.
***
A burglar was discovered concealed beneath the counter of a Leicester
butter-merchant's shop. It is understood that he came early to avoid
the rush.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Manager_. "WHY DON'T YOU GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
STAGE?"
_Tenor_ (_haughtily_). "I PREFER STAYING WHERE I AM."
_Manager_. "ALL RIGHT--ALL RIGHT! I SUPPOSE YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE
TO POP DOWN THE EUPHONIUM IF THERE'S AN AIR-RAID."]
* * * * *
TITLE AND HALF-TITLE PAGES.
With a view to economy of paper, the title and half-title pages of
the Volume which is completed with the present issue are not being
delivered with copies of _Punch_ as usual; they will however be sent
free, by post, upon receipt of a request.
Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the _Punch_ Office, or
by other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply
for copies of the title and half-title pages, as these will be bound
in by the _Punch_ Office or supplied direct to other binders along
with the cases.
* * * * *
"AFFAIRS IN RUSSIA.
[printed upside down: "MILITARY DICTATORSHIP"] "EXPECTED."--_Egyptian
Daily Mail_.
It looks as if the expectation has been upset.
* * * * *
"The defendant expressed regret that having misunderstood a
newspaper paragraph he charged one penny for a box of 'Pilot
matches.' Directly his attention was drawn to the matter he at
once charged the correct price, 3s. 43/4d."--_South London Press_.
Our journalists should really be more careful not to mislead honest
tradesmen.
* * * * *
WITH THE AUXILIARY PATROL.
I do not think there was a single man of the ship's company who bore
the loss of poor Mnemosyne dry-eyed. From the lieutenant down to the
trimmer we had become sincerely attached to this affectionate little
creature, and when unhappily, during the temporary absence of the
steward, she ventured to circumvent the rim of an open condensed
milk-tin, missed her footing and succumbed to a clammy death, there
was not a more unhappy trawler patrolling the North Sea than ours.
She was a weevil and I found her in my ship's biscuit. From the first
I recognised that she was no ordinary weevil; her stately bearing, the
fine upward curl of her moustachios, but, more than anything else, the
intelligent, often humorous gleam in her big black eyes elevated her
at once above the mass of her compatriots. She took to me wonderfully:
I secured her confidence with a piece of boiled cat-fish, and
thenceforth we were scarcely ever apart. Not that she resented the
advances of the rest of the crew--she was no snob, and would eat from
the hand of the trimmer as readily as from my own, and allow anyone to
stroke her; but it was I who taught her to sit up and beg, to "die for
her country," to droop her antennae whenever the name of VON TIRPITZ
was mentioned, and to wave them for Sir DAVID BEATTY. She would often
sit with me in the wireless cabin whilst I was on watch, and never
once did she disturb me during the receiving of a message by
boisterous or noisy behaviour.
We had other weevils at different times, but none so intelligent or so
faithful as Mnemosyne. The lieutenant tamed one, and, being a devotee
of science and despising the arts, he named him Newton Darwin; but
he was a foolish fellow at the best and continually getting into
somebody's way. The lieutenant offered to back him against Mnemosyne
for a race across the cabin table, and we made a match of it. The
betting was three to two in favour of Newton Darwin, because the third
hand, who had once been employed in a racing-stable, had been heard to
remark that he had very fine quarters. The stakes were half a plug of
ship's tobacco.
It was a walk-over. On the word "Go" Mnemosyne positively leapt
forward, took a crease in the tablecloth in her stride and completed
the course, which measured sixteen inches, in the remarkable time of
seven and two-fifths minutes. Newton Darwin was left standing; indeed
he never attempted to race, but, after staring about vacantly for some
minutes, ambled leisurely off in the opposite direction, where he had
seen a breadcrumb.
This victory was very popular, and the third hand was roundly abused
for suggesting that Mnemosyne had been doped. Even if Newton had got
away with the pistol he would never have stood a chance against her.
She was the fleetest weevil I ever saw.
Another weevil was Bertie, who belonged to the second engineer, but
he was caught pilfering the skipper's private supply of fresh butter,
which he kept in a jar in his bunk and was very jealous of, so Bertie
had to be made away with. He walked the plank at daybreak one grey
stormy morning just off the Nethermost Ruff of the Dogger. The second
was very upset for a day or two; he said he would have staked anything
on Bertie's honesty.
We kept Mnemosyne for over two months, and never once did she
misconduct herself or behave in an unseamanlike manner. Her one
failing, if such it can be called, was a weakness for condensed milk,
and this it was that led to her untimely end. We had come to regard
her as one of the crew, and had a little lifebelt made for her in case
of need. Jones, our signaller, who has poetical moments, was inspired
by her to make verse, which began:--
There is something very evil
In the war-whoop of a weevil.
This was indignantly censored as a libel, but he excused himself on
the plea that "evil" was the only possible rhyme to be found for
"weevil," and declared that his very last intention had been to be
personal or to cast the least reflection on the lovable disposition of
Mnemosyne, so we forgave him with a caution.
Well, Mnemosyne is gone, and the ship seems a dull place without this
exhilarating little pet. Never so long as ship's biscuits continue
to buckle the jack-knives of British seafarers will there be another
weevil like Mnemosyne.
We flew the White Ensign at halfmast from dawn to sundown on the day
she died.
* * * * *
A RASH ACT.
Extract from the report of a ladies' Lacrosse Club:--
"The deplorable habit of scratching with no sufficient reason,
just before a practice, has mounted almost to a disease."
* * * * *
"Will any kind gentleman help an Indian with a loan of Rs. 7,000
at 6%? No risk. Gentleman having deep love for mother will
understand advertiser's noble cause. No brokers should
apply."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_).
What's the matter with brokers? Aren't they also born of woman?
* * * * *
LIPS AND THEIR LESSONS.
["General PERSHING has collected round him a staff of thin-lipped
determined men."--_The Observer_.]
If physiognomists are right,
And faces count as half the battle,
We clearly ought not to invite
Comparison with sheep or cattle,
But rather should improve the features
That mark us off from humbler creatures.
Eyebrows projecting like a bush
Are facial assets to be prized,
Denoting driving-power and push
In men however undersized
(Bear's grease or paraffin or both
Will largely stimulate their growth).
The fish-like and lethargic eye
We should endeavour to efface,
And foster visual orbs that vie
With those of eagles in its place;
While belladonna's artful use
An extra brilliance may produce.
Nor are there wanting ways and means
Enabling experts to impose
By sundry suitable machines
Fine character upon the nose;
And nasal dignity, we find,
Promptly reacts upon the mind.
But those who in this great reform
Of face and feature are engrossed
Agree that to enforce a norm
In labial fabric matters most;
The lips that help a race to win
Unquestionably must be thin.
Therefore with pleasure unalloyed
We learn that great Columbia's sons,
With PERSHING busily employed
In laying plans to down the Huns,
According to a trusty pen
Are "thin-lipped and determined men."
* * * * *
On the retirement of certain Tanks from their War Bond duties:--
"They can understand, we hope, how very jolly it has been to have
them, and how sorry we are to see them go. We shall probably sing
those typical English ballads 'Auld Lang Syne' and 'Will ye no
come back again?'"--_Daily Paper_.
A Scottish correspondent suggests the addition of a few other "typical
English ballads," such as "The Wearing of the Green," "Men of
Harlech," "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "The Marseillaise."
* * * * *
"Applications will be received by Mr. J. Arnold, Chairman of the
Bathurst Municipality, for a TOWN CLERK, whose duties will be
the following, viz.: Competent Bookkeeper, Sanitary Inspector,
Street Inspector, and to supervise labour party on roads, Native
Location Inspector, Dog Tax Collector, Ranger, Caretaker of the
Municipal Dipping Tank and be able to mix dip. Kafir language
essential."--_South African Paper_.
And he'll want a lot of it.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE WAIT. HIS MASTER'S VOICE. "I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU. GO
AWAY!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Mr. Podgers (persuasively hospitable). "NOW
COME, GRANDMA, DO ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU JUST A LITTLE--SAY FIVE
SHILLINGSWORTH--MORE TURKEY."]
* * * * *
SIDNI THE STOREMAN.
FRAGMENT OF AN EDDA.
At the downcome of darkness
Up to the trenches
Fared he forth,
Sidni the Storeman.
On bent back
Bore he the Rum Jar,
Bringing a boon
To the Folk in the Front Line.
Scatheful the sky
With no stars shining;
Monstrous the mud
That lay deep on the Duck Boards.
A weary while
Wandered he on;
No wit he wotted
Of fate that followed
Stalking his steps.
So passed he the posts
All silent and sunken
In mire and murk,
Till fearful he felt for
The doubtful Duck Boards
No longer beneath him.
Then spake Sidni,
Steward of Stores:
"Now know I well
I have come to the Country
That men name No Man's;"
And with woe his heart
Waxed heavy within him
For horror of Hun Folk
Who crawl in the craters.
Then there arose
Dim in the darkness
The face and form
Of Heinrik the Hun
With hand upheld
Bearing a bomb.
But fear filled the heart
Of Sidni the Storeman,
And with force of fear
Raising the Rum Jar
Drave he adrad
At the face of the foeman.
Down sank the Slayer
Smitten asunder
And over his face
Unloosed ran the liquor.
Then Heinrik the Hun
Sang he this Swan Song:
"Hero, I hail thee,
Godlike who givest
Fire and Sweetness
Born of a blow.
Loki art thou,
Or Wotan the one-eyed
Coming to call me
Away to Walhall.
Happy I haste
To the Hall of the Heroes;
Point thou the Path!
I come! I come!"
But fast with the force
Of the fear that was in him
Fled Sidni the Storeman
Back to the Britons
And came by chance
Straightway to his section,
Bearing the Rum Jar
Now lacking the liquor.
Then, puffing with pride
And the pace of his running,
Told he a tale
Of the Slaying of Seven;
But little belief
In the count of the killing
Gat Sid from the section,
Wrathy withal
At the loss of the liquor.
And one thing Erb,
Erb that erstwhile
Hight his old Pal,
Had for an answer:
"Bale hast thou brought
And rede of bale
Have I for thee."
Then troth they took
And oath swear betwixt them
That for four years full
Or the War's duration
He should draw and drink
Sid's ration of Rum.
So doom was decreed
For the loss of the liquor.
But Sidni the Storeman
Transferred to the Transport.
* * * * *
"UNION OF DEMONCRATIC CONTROL."
_Leicester Daily Mercury_.
Is this a misprint or a criticism?
* * * * *
THE WATCH DOGS.
LXVIII.
My Dear Charles,--I don't know that I think so much of these alliances
after all, and I'll tell you why.
When I first heard that my old friend Italy was in trouble I paraded
my officer at once. "Stand to attention, George," I said, "and tell me
what we are going to do about it."
"Oh, that'll be all right," said he. "I've booked my seat in the
train."
I think that George, my subordinate, sometimes forgets who I am and
what importance attaches to me. I feel that he ought at least to
consult me formally before he decides what instructions I am going to
issue to him. After all, I am only fifteen years younger than he is.
"You will proceed forthwith to Italy," I said, "and will there study
the local conditions on the spot. You will then take such action as
the occasion seems to you to demand." George was cleaning out his
pipe, so for once he didn't interrupt. "You will report progress to
me in triplicate."
George frowned. Having been the Supreme White Man in some African
district for dozens of years before the War, all his hair seems to
have got into his eyebrows, and his frown is a terrible thing to see.
"At any rate," I said, "you might just drop me a post-card to tell me
how you're getting on."
George's eyebrows stood at ease and then stood easy.
"It's all very well for you," I added. "But what about me, when it
comes to totting up your travelling allowances later on?"
George has private means, which work out at about one-and-fourpence,
less income tax, a day. Consequently he is a little careless about
money matters. "Oh, that'll be all right," he said.
* * * * *
George was away for three weeks. What he did all the time I'm sure
I don't know, though I kept on reporting to my superiors that the
necessary steps were being taken and the requisite measures were being
initiated. When he got back he wanted to start in at once telling me
all about it. But I said no, and insisted on getting down to the War.
"In making out travelling claims," I said, producing the appropriate
Army Form, "care should be taken to comply with the instructions
contained in the King's Regulations. We have a quarter of an hour
before your breakfast will be ready. Let us deal with our more
formidable enemies, the Pay People, first."
George is the sort of person who gets you into trouble on the very
first line of any Army Form. Asked as to his rank, he told me he was a
Second Lieutenant in the Army, temporary Lieutenant, acting Captain.
All these ranks get a different rate of allowance. Which of the three
was George in fact?
"A man of your age ought to know better," I said.
We were half-an-hour late for breakfast, and even so George hadn't got
to the station of departure, as far as A.F.O. 1771 was concerned.
I determined to devote the morning to the matter, clearing the court
for the purpose. Our Mr. Booth, however, who is intolerably precise
and accurate in these matters, had profited by my absence at breakfast
to collect a folio of relevant Orders and Instructions, numbered one
to seventy-three consecutively.
It all sounds so simple, doesn't it? You get so many francs a day for
subsistence, and so many francs a night for accommodation, in France;
so many lire a day for subsistence, and so many lire a night for
accommodation, in Italy. Ah yes, but you don't know George when he is
in action. Not content with travelling in the dark, and so subsisting
by night when he ought to be accommodated, and being accommodated by
day when he ought to be subsisting, he could never make up his mind
to stay in the same country for two days together. As to his constant
movements from one country to the other, three times he had supposed
he had finished with Italy and was due back in France; each time
he had got comfortably across the frontier into France he had been
recalled to Italy. Never once had he the sense to cross the frontier
on the stroke of midnight, and so make a complete twenty-four hours
of it on each side, and all the time the rate of exchange was varying
by a fraction. But, as George said, it wasn't himself who was
manipulating the rate of exchange as between the two countries, and
courtesy to allied nations prevented him from manipulating the trains.
It was towards teatime when he satisfied me of his own innocence on
these points; but don't run away with the idea that by this time we
were well on with the business. We had barely as much as started. How
are you to fix the "date of journey" in such a manner as to give the
traveller a clear night for accommodation in one country, or a clear
day for subsistence in another, when he leaves his home at 5.15 P.M.,
arrives at the end of the first stage at 6.10 P.M., sleeps in a hotel
till 11 P.M., gets in the train at thirty-five minutes past, crosses
the frontier at 2 P.M. on the following day, arrives at his Italian
destination at 5 A.M. on the morning after that, and then, if you
please, goes to bed in another hotel? Old soldier though I am, there
didn't seem to me to be a single line in a single column which I could
satisfactorily fill in. True, there was the space for "Remarks," but
our Mr. Booth was quite sure that my remarks were not what the Pay
People called for.
By this time I was for giving in, but George was now the persistent
one. It was never his pocket he cared for; it was just one of his
confounded principles not to be beaten by anything, not even an Army
Form. I expressed some surprise that in the course of this tour of
duty he had not managed to find his way to America for an hour or two,
if only to complicate my business with the dollar question...
I read the whole Form again, from start to finish, including the bit
about vouchers being required for any unusual expenditure, such as
cab-fares of over ten shillings. I then told George to write down on
a piece of paper how much money he had when he started on his silly
journey, and how much he had in hand when he got back; to deduct the
latter from the former and tell me the result; to go away, leave me
to wrestle all night with the problem, come back next morning at
nine, remain motionless and strictly in one country in the meanwhile,
neither accommodated nor subsisting. He gave me the figure, 173
francs, and never mentioned the subject to me again for days owing to
the sullen fury he noted in my expression every time he cleared his
throat to do so.
After ten days I handed George a chit from the Pay People for "one
hundred and seventy francs for travelling expenses, 30/10/1917 to
20/11/1917, for tour of duty to Italy." George said I had a dashed
fine brain to have worked out the claim; I told him the Pay Man had a
dashed kind heart to settle it. I hadn't been able to avoid mentioning
Italy; but for the rest the Pay Man simply must have thought that
George had driven all the way to the frontier and back in cabs and
done precious little duty on the other side of it. Wouldn't you
have thought so, Charles, if you had received a claim merely for
eighty-five cabs, at two francs a time, and all in France, too?
Yours ever,
HENRY.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Profiteer_. "VELL, 'ERE'TH ANOTHER PENNY FOR LOOKIN'
THO MITHERABLE!"]
* * * * *
From a church notice-board:--
Matins.--Hymn 43:
'Great God, what do I see and hear?'
Preacher, Rev. Dr. ----.
Hymn 45:
'Hark! an awful voice is sounding.'
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE DEDUCTIVE MIND.
_Permanent Base Man_ (_in charge of incinerator, to Sanitary
Inspector_.) "YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME, CORPORAL, SOME BLIGHTER'S BEEN
PUTTING BOMBS IN THIS INSINUATOR."]
* * * * *
TRENCH COATS.
I went into a shop to buy a trench-coat. The shopman came forward with
an air which said quite plainly, "You are a second lieutenant. You
have just obtained a commission from the ranks. You think you do not
want a complete outfit. It is my business to show you that you are
mistaken. You want a complete outfit. Your Sam Browne is second-hand.
You picked your boots up from a Salvage Dump. You cap was used once in
your bathroom at home as a sponge-bag. Your trench-coat is disgusting.
The whole outfit would fail to deceive a man's maiden aunt, so obvious
an attempt is it to mislead the unsophisticated into supposing that
you have arrived here straight from the trenches. I know better. You
have just obtained a commission in the motor-transport section of the
Wessex Home Defence Corps. Gentlemen from the trenches always dress as
if they'd come straight out of a shop like this ... And we don't take
cheques."
That was what his manner said. What he actually said was noncommittal.
He said, "Yes, Sir?"
I took off my trench-coat and let the glory of three whole stars
dazzle him. He little knew that one of them was "acting," and his
face fell.