Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 5, 1917 by Various
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 153.
DECEMBER 5, 1917.
CHARIVARIA.
The announcement of Mr. Justice BRAY that bigamy is rampant at the
present time has been drawn to the notice of the FOOD-CONTROLLER, who
wishes it to be clearly understood that under no circumstances will
the head of a family be allowed a sugar ration for more than one wife.
***
"I have in my possession," writes a correspondent of _The Evening
News_, "a loaf of bread made by my husband's mother in 1821." This
should dispose of the popular belief that nobody anticipated the War
except Mr. BLATCHFORD.
***
Lug-worms are being sold at Deal for five shillings a score. They are
stated to form an agreeable substitute for macaroni.
***
"In China," says _The Daily Express_, "a chicken can still be
purchased for sixpence." Intending purchasers should note, however,
that at present the return fare to Shanghai brings the total cost a
trifle in excess of the present London prices.
***
A recent applicant to the Warwickshire Appeal Tribunal claimed that he
had captured the German shell-less egg trade. He denied that the enemy
had purposely allowed it to escape.
***
A tramp charged at Kingston with begging was wearing three overcoats,
two coats, two pair of trousers and an enormous pair of boots. It
seems strange that this man should not have realised that he was in a
position to earn a handsome salary as a music-hall comedian.
***
Owing to a cow straying on the line at Acton Bridge last week a goods
train was derailed. It seems that the unfortunate animal was not aware
that cow-catchers had been abolished.
***
It is reported that the two thousand taxi-drivers still on strike have
decided to offer their services to Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES for munition
work. Suitable employment will be found for them in a high-expletive
factory.
***
In New York a club has been started exclusively for golfers. The
others insisted on it.
***
A notice exhibited in the window of a Bermondsey public-house bears
the words, "There is nothing like Government Ale." Agreed.
***
"Shrimps," says a Southern Command Order, "should not be purchased
where a long train journey is involved." For soldiers, however, who
require this kind of diet little excursions to the seaside can always
be arranged for with the C.O.
***
At Aberavon the other day the son of an interned German was bitten by
a dog which he had kicked by accident. The dog of course did not know
it was an accident.
***
We are the first to record the fact that a dear old lady, the other
morning, went up to the Tank in Trafalgar Square and offered it a bun.
***
We should like to deny the rumour that when he heard of Lord
ROTHERMERE's appointment to the Air Ministry Lord NORTHCLIFFE
muttered, "Alas! my poor brother."
***
More bread is being eaten than ever, says the FOOD CONTROLLER. It
appears that the stuff is now eaten by itself, instead of being spread
thinly on butter, as in pre-war days.
***
The largest telescope in the World has just been erected at the Mount
Wilson Observatory in California. Enthusiasts predict that the end of
the War will be clearly visible through it.
***
Owing to scarcity of petrol several fire-brigades have had again to
resort to horses. In consequence people who have fires are requested
to place their orders at once, as they can only be dealt with in
strict rotation.
***
The prisoner who escaped from the Manchester Assize Court, after being
sentenced to three years' imprisonment, has explained that he was just
pretending to be a German prisoner.
***
An awkward situation has arisen through Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW and
Mr. GEORGE MOORE having solved the Irish problem in the same week, as
one or the other of them is certain to claim the credit of having his
solution rejected.
***
"Blasting" for tin is being carried on in an experimental station in
Cornwall. Similar operations are said to be used in searching for
sugar.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WE'LL NO GANG IN THERE, JOCK."
"FOR WHY, DONAL'?"
"MAN, IT'S GOT AN AWFU' GERRMAN-LIKE NAME, YON."]
* * * * *
A DAUGHTER OF LILITH.
"Gentlewoman, with tame snake, wants quiet home, suburban family,
small garden; no others; no animals."--_Melbourne Argus_.
* * * * *
"Mrs. ---- wishes to recommend a boy (15) who has done well
in the pantry."--_Eastern Daily Press_.
But would Sir ARTHUR YAPP approve?
* * * * *
"Will any generous soul save and buy up a young scholar,
foreign (British) aristocracy, by helping him in his first
struggle (legal profession)? acceptable only on returnable
condition."--_Manchester Guardian_.
Before starting to save for the above purpose, we should like to know
more about this scion of the "foreign (British) aristocracy." We don't
want to find ourselves trading with the enemy.
* * * * *
"Canon ---- made a strong comment on the Proposal to use the
Ulley water for public consumption during his sermon on Sunday
morning."--_Provincial Paper_.
The rev. gentleman cannot believe that his sermons are so dry as all
that.
* * * * *
"The undersigned begs to inform the public that a very superior
cow will be slaughtered on the 20th evening and exposed on the
morning of the 21st for sale."--_Madras Mail_.
That ought to stop her swanking.
* * * * *
"CAMOUFLAGED ATTACK.
"Paris, Thursday.
"All the newspapers print long accounts of the new offensive,
under the heading, 'Great British Victory,' and all agree in
assigning the chief honours attack, and the new British method
of organ-attack, and the new British method of arganising the
offensive in secret."--_Provincial Paper_.
And very well camouflaged, too.
* * * * *
LEAVES FROM A LONDON NOTE-BOOK.
BY OUR MAN ABOUT TOWN.
(WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO SOME OF OUR METROPOLITAN PENNY EVENING
PAPERS.)
SUGAR CARDS.
A highly-placed official tells me that the discovery that a number of
people move about from place to place, that servants sometimes leave
their situations, and that households are consequently liable to
variation in their personnel, is due to a very smart member of the
Sugar Commission, who will be suitably decorated. This discovery, on
the very eve of compulsory rationing in other commodities, will mean
an immense saving of national funds. Instead of billions, only a few
millions of cards will need to be destroyed--a very useful economy.
A GREAT MAYFAIR EFFORT.
The Mayfair Tableaux Association will shortly hold a Fancy Dress
Exhibition of Really Beautiful War-workers. The subjects represented
will range from CLEOPATRA to BOTTICELLI'S "Primavera," and from SALOME
to the Sistine Madonna. Preliminary photographs are about to appear
in the Society Press. The particular object of this great sacrifice
in the cause of charity has not yet been determined upon, but will be
announced in due course.
THE SUBMARINE MENACE.
No significance should be attached to recent statistics of torpedoed
ships in view of public announcements to the effect that the submarine
menace has been practically scotched.
INTERNATIONAL BOLO.
The British Parliamentary Branch of the International Bolo Club
indignantly deny that they have received a single pony, or any less
sum, from German sympathisers in support of Pacifist propaganda.
They generously recognise that Germany's economical straits are even
greater than ours, and they would not willingly, even for the sake
of a common cause, put a strain upon the resources of their German
friends.
MAHENGE.
The other day I consulted an old friend on the Imperial Staff as to
the pronunciation of Mahenge, the scene of our latest victory in East
Africa. From the evasive character of his reply I gathered that my
inquiry was of the nature of an indiscretion.
THE CABINET AND THE "VICIOUS CIRCLE."
Several members of the Cabinet--the one that doesn't meet--have
informed me of their conviction that, in the event of the War lasting
on into 1920, there is every prospect of establishing an elementary
co-ordination between the various Government departments. Meanwhile
they ask me to correct a confusion in the public mind by which the
"Vicious Circle" is regarded as a synonym for themselves.
MANHOOD AND MORAL.
Every day brings me a sheaf of correspondence in which I am asked to
give my opinion as to our prospects of victory in the near future. I
have one formula for reply. I refer my correspondents to a recurrent
paragraph in _The Times_ under the heading "News in Brief." It runs
as follows: "At the close of play yesterday in the billiard match of
16,000 points up, between Inman and Stevenson, at the Grand Hall,
Leicester Square, the scores were," etc., etc. After all, the deciding
features in the Great World-Struggle will be manhood and _moral_.
TROTSKY'S PEACE OVERTURES.
From private sources, which corroborate the information given to
the public, I hear that the Spanish Charge-d'Affaires at Petrograd
is the only member of the Diplomatic Corps in that capital who has
taken cognisance of TROTSKY'S overtures (which, of course, must be
distinguished from TSCHAIKOWSKY'S). I very much doubt if KING ALFONSO
had a hand in this, though he has more than once intimated to me his
desire for peace.
LANSDOWNE AND LENIN.
What with the aircraft strike at Coventry and the activities of Lord
LANSDOWNE, LENIN and others, this has been a great week for Pacifists
and Pro-Bosches. In Germany, where the Press has eagerly followed _The
Daily Telegraph_ in giving prominence to Lord LANSDOWNE'S views, it
is felt that our EX-FOREIGN SECRETARY ought to receive a step in the
peerage, with the title Duke of Lansdowne and Handsup.
THE PREMIER ABROAD.
In conversation with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE on the occasion of one of
his flying visits to England, I learned how much he regretted that
pressure of time prevented him while in Italy from running over to
Venice and ascending the restored Campanile. While in residence in
Paris, however, he had had the pleasure of renewing his acquaintance
with the Eiffel Tower.
BROWNING AND SWINBURNE.
During the dark hour of trial through which Italy has been passing,
my thoughts have often strayed to Asolo in the Trevisan, the scene
of _Pippa Passes_, by the late ROBERT BROWNING (whom I knew well).
"Italy, what of the night?" wrote my old friend SWINBURNE. "Morning's
at seven!" replies _Pippa_. Those brave words have heartened me a good
deal.
O. S.
* * * * *
TO A DACHSHUND.
[About the precise nationality of whose remote progenitor--whether
Danish, Flemish, or British through the old English Turnspit--the
writer will not stay to argue.]
My faithful Peter, mount upon my knee,
And shame me with the patience of your eyes,
Till I for divers patriots that be
Humbly apologise.
Not for the street-boy--him you had for years
And, knowing, make allowance for his ways,
If hoots of ignorance and stones and jeers
Martyr your latter days;
But for such shoddy patriots as join
The street-boy's manners to a petty mind,
And dealing little in true-minted coin
Tender the baser kind.
For instance, Smith (till lately Gruendelhorn),
Who meets you with your mistress all alone,
And growls a "German beast" with senseless scorn
In a (still) guttural tone.
And Jones, who owes his mansion to the War
And loves to drown great luncheons in champagne,
But who, to prove he loves his England more,
Strikes at you with his cane.
The while Miss Podsnap, who in dogs can brook
No name that smacks of Teuton, snatches up,
Lest you contaminate it with a look,
Her Pomeranian pup.
Forgive them, Pete! We are not all well-bred,
Not all so wise, so sensible as you;
Not all our sires, for generations dead,
To British homes were true.
Yet, prizing steadfast love and fealty, some
The gulf of their deficiencies may span,
And learn of you the virtues that become
An English gentleman.
* * * * *
We wish Russia wouldn't wash her dirty LENIN in public.
* * * * *
[Illustration: DAVID IN RHONDDALAND.
DAVID. "I'M OFTEN AWAY FROM HOME. HOW DO I GET SUGAR?"
THE MAD GROCER. "YOU DON'T; YOU FILL UP A FORM."
DAVID. "BUT I _HAVE_ FILLED UP A FORM."
THE MAD GROCER. "THEN YOU FILL UP ANOTHER FORM."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Friend_ (_to Cinema Commissionaire, who has received
notice_). "I'M SERPRISED YOU'RE LEAVIN'. I THOUGHT YOU WAS A FIXTURE
'ERE."
_Commissionaire._ "IS ANYBODY A FIXTURE IN THESE TIMES? LOOK AT THE
TSAR OF RUSSIA, TINO, TIRPITZ, AND THE REST OF 'EM."]
* * * * *
MILLIE AND THE "KAYSER."
Millie is a "daily help." Who it is that she helps--whether herself or
her employer--I am not in a position to say, for I am only temporarily
a lodger in the house where Millie helps, and she doesn't help me
much. But to-day I have made her hear and understand one whole
sentence. It is the first time during the six days that we have known
each other that I have conveyed anything to her except by graphic
gesticulation and grimace.
I accepted the fact at the outset that my soft and seductive tones
could never penetrate Millie's stone-deafness. Only the loudest and
angriest remarks are audible to Millie, so I preserve an attitude of
silent facial amiability in all my relations with her.
BALAAM could not have looked more surprised than did Millie this
evening when, in the act of clearing away my latest meal, she heard
me say, "Leave the matches."
She stopped dead and looked at me over the tray of dirty crockery. Her
expression was not unfriendly.
"But I got t' look after myself," she explained; "I'd be all done up
if I hadn't they matches in the morning to light the fire and all. You
wouldn't get no bath-water."
"I want to smoke," I said obstinately.
She kept her hand over the box of matches. She had not heard. I made
intelligent signs illustrative of the lighting of a cigarette. Millie
told me, in pure Cornish:
"You can only get a box at a time now, and half-a-pound o' sugar I
gets when I shows my card, and they do say we won't get that--only
quarter soon. I'd like to get at that KAYSER! I'd smash him up, I
would!" She said this in the kindest, most benign way, with a smile
as nearly caressing as a smile without front teeth can be. "He'd
come short off if I got to him! And he deserves it, I'm sure," she
concluded, as she departed--with the matches....
A long walk over the Cornish cliffs in the gusty North wind from
the Atlantic had made me drowsy, and as I sat before the fire my
thoughts wandered from Russian politics and the Italian situation
to Millie--and the "KAYSER": Millie, who was short of stature and
round-backed, who showed her fifty-odd years unflinchingly to the
world; Millie with her felt slippers and her overall and coarse hands;
Millie, the possessor of a sugar-card--and the mighty War Lord, stern
and implacable, trying to subdue the world to his will. And Millie
only wished she could get near him to smash him up--"the KAYSER would
come short off."...
* * * * *
The lamp-lit cottage room faded; the sound of November winds and
swirling leaves outside died away. For a moment I peered through
a greyish-blue moving mist--it might have been cigarette smoke;
gradually I distinguished forms and colours beyond; then the fog
lifted and I looked upon an electrically-lighted room, with the
aspect of an office _de luxe_. There were telephones and file cases,
typewriters and all the appurtenances of business operations; the
furniture was massive and handsome, and carpets and hangings had every
appearance of magnificence and costliness.
I knew without thought that this was the private room of WILHELM of
Prussia. He himself, standing with his back to the roaring log fire in
the deep grate, was too like the cartoons in the English papers to be
mistaken. The iron-grey hair and upturned moustache, the cold eyes and
sardonic mouth were all there "as per invoice." He was even wearing an
aggressively Prussian uniform, and kept his spiked helmet on his head
and his sword hanging at his side.
The CROWN PRINCE was in evidence, disguised as a Death's Head Hussar,
and HINDENBURG was easily recognisable as he bristled with the nails
which the admiring populace had hammered into him; the rest of
the company were unknown to me. They were all engaged in a heated
discussion when suddenly there came a knock at the door, a knock
which, to me, was curiously familiar.
During the silence that ensued Millie walked into the room. She was
still wearing her overall and felt slippers, and she had not waited
to put on a hat or even to straighten her hair. She came forward
unhesitatingly, with her short, shuffling steps and, disregarding the
furious demand of a Bavarian General as to who she was and how she
dared to enter there, she addressed herself to the KAISER himself. She
spoke in her normal tones, but to me there seemed something sinister
about them at this moment, and I noticed that in her right hand she
carried a coal-hammer.
Now above all things Millie hated breaking coal and filling scuttles,
and I knew that she would not be carrying a coal-hammer without a very
special reason. Her words revealed it.
"You, KAYSER, I've been wanting to get near you and smash you up, I
have. You've gone a bit too far, you have ... No sugar without a card,
and then only half-a-pound, and they do say it'll only be a quarter
soon. And _matches!_--only one box at a time, and _they_ don't strike,
and how's a body to light a fire at all?"
With this she lifted her coal-hammer and brought it down with all
her force on the KAISER'S head. Involuntarily I flinched; it was a
terrible blow.
Several Generals, their iron crosses jingling, rushed forward and
seized Millie, uttering guttural sounds of horror and indignation.
But the KAISER stood unmoved--yes, unmoved. Millie gaped at him. He
ordered his satellites to release her and, as they reluctantly did so,
Millie nodded her head at them.
"You leave me where I'm to! He can take up his own part," she told
them.
The KAISER addressed her sternly.
"Presumptuous woman," he said, "it is not written that you shall be
the cause of my death. There is something much higher in store for
me. You deserve worse than death at my hands; but since you are from
England I will squeeze from you all the information I require and bend
you to my uses."
All this was obviously wasted on Millie, who heard nothing. Having
waited politely until his lips stopped moving in speech, she again
cracked him on the head with the coal-hammer.
The KAISER ignored this uncivil retort and spoke again.
"You shall go back to your matchless country and tell them there that
we have plenty of matches in Germany; that we have kept on good terms
with Stockholm, and our matches are made in Sweden. We have all we
need to kindle every fire in hell. Now are you convinced that you are
beaten?"
He was interrupted by another blow from the coal-hammer, which made
him bite his tongue, for Millie was becoming exasperated and put all
her strength into the stroke. The KAISER stepped back.
"Poor fool! You are wasting your strength, even as HAIG wastes _his_
in blow after blow on the Western front."
But even as he uttered the lying boast he tottered and fell back
unconscious into the arms of LITTLE WILLIE.
The Generals and Statesmen gathered round their stricken master,
gabbling purest Prussian.
Millie appeared satisfied at last, although the CROWN PRINCE had
scarcely glanced at her, for she was not his type. She took advantage
of the commotion to procure two boxes of matches which had been thrown
carelessly on the table. These she bestowed mysteriously beneath her
overall.
"He deserved it too!" she muttered contentedly as she hobbled to the
door; "and I don't believe so much about all his matches either. You
can only get two boxes at a time even here." With this reflection she
unostentatiously departed.
* * * * *
Again that familiar knock....
I was back in my little sitting-room in Cornwall and Millie entered
with my candle, which she put down on the table rather noisily. I
gave her the usual grin and nod of acknowledgment, and she wished me
good-night and went.
In the tray of the candlestick there was a box of matches. I picked it
up and turned it over curiously. Could my dream have been true? Or was
it only a coincidence that in blatant red letters on that match-box
were the words:--
"MADE IN SWEDEN."
* * * * *
"Spokane (Washington), Monday.
"Troops raided the I.W.W. headquarters and arrested James
Rowan (leader) and 21/2 others on the eve of threatened
disturbances."--_Toowoomba Gazette (Australia)_.
Unfortunately in such cases half-measures are rarely successful.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sub_ (_to A.P.M., who has severely censured him for
being without gloves, wearing collar of wrong colour, etc._). "OH, BY
THE BY, SIR, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE WAY I DO MY HAIR?"]
* * * * *
"THE AUTUMN MEETING of the WISBECH LOCAL PEACE ASSOCIATION will be
held on WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28th, 1917.
"Being full moon, a good attendance is expected."--_Isle of
Ely Advertiser_.
The Gothas would see that it was a peace-meeting and leave it alone.
* * * * *
"The tanks crossed the deep gulf of the Hindenburg main line,
pitching nose downwards as they drew their long bodies over
the parapets and rearing up again with their long forward
reach of body and heaving themselves on to the German paradise
beyond."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_.
That is not what the Germans called it.
* * * * *
"IF CAMBRIA FALLS--
"The possibilities in the New Battle."--_Dublin Evening Herald_.
No wonder Mr. LLOYD GEORGE hurried off to France.
* * * * *
"On the earth, the broken acres; In the heaven, a perfect
ground."--_The Canadian Churchman_.
Of course Canada is before everything an agricultural country, and
we feel sure that BROWNING would be the last man to object to any
adaptation of his lines which would make them more suited to the needs
of the people and the times.
* * * * *
THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENCE
SUPPLYING ONE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, "WHY DOES A DRAMATIST GROW OLD
SOONER THAN ANYONE ELSE?"
_From G. Sheridan Smith, author, to Sir James Benfield,
actor-manager._
Dear Sir,--Herewith I am forwarding a copy of an original three-act
comedy, entitled, _Men and Munitions_. As the interest is largely
topical I should he much obliged if you could let me have your verdict
upon it with as little delay as possible.
Faithfully yours,
G. SHERIDAN SMITH.
_From the Same to his friend, Buskin Browne, actor._
Dear B.B.,--By this post I am sending my new comedy, _Men and
Munitions_, to your manager, whom I believe it should suit. If an
occasion served for you to put in a word about it without too much
trouble, I should be eternally grateful.
Yours ever, G.S.S.
_From Buskin Browne, in answer._
My Dear Man,--With all the pleasure in life. I fancy we're changing
our bill shortly, and, as farce is all the rage just now, I'll boom
your _Munition Mad_ directly I get a chance. Best of luck.
Yours, BEE-BEE.
_From G. Sheridan Smith, in reply. A telegram._
Thousand thanks play called men and munitions comedy not farce.
_From the Same to the Same, six weeks later._
Dear B.B.,--I hate to trouble you, but as I've heard nothing yet from
the management about my comedy I am writing to ask if you can give me
any idea of Sir J.B.'s intentions regarding it. Did he say anything
that you dare repeat?
Yours, G.S.S.
_From Buskin Browne, in answer, a fortnight later._
Dear old Boy,--No chance as yet, as the chief has been away ill.
But he comes back on Saturday, when I will mention the farce to him
without fail.
Yours "while this machine is to him," BEE-BEE.
_From G. Sheridan Smith, to Sir James Benfield, a month later._
Dear Sir,--I was profoundly grieved to learn from a mutual friend
that you had been so long on the sick list. Now, however, that you
are at work again, and (I trust) fully restored to health, may I hope
for a verdict upon my comedy, _Men and Munitions_, at your earliest
convenience?