Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Apr 2, 1919 by Various
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 156
APRIL 2, 1919
CHARIVARIA.
A Liverpool grocer was fined last week for overcharging for margarine,
eggs, cheese, ham, bacon, cocoa, jam and suet. Any other nation, it is
pointed out, would have had a man like that at the Peace Conference.
***
The strike of wives, as proposed by a weekly paper, did not
materialise. The husbands' threat to employ black-legs (alleged silk)
appears to have proved effective.
***
A Reigate resident advertises in a daily newspaper for the recovery of
a human jawbone. It is supposed that the owner lost it during a Tube
rush.
***
"London from above," says a _Daily Mail_ correspondent, "is
gloriously, tenderly, wistfully beautiful." We rather gather that it
is the lid of Carmelite House that gives it just that little note of
wistfulness.
***
"How to Prepare Marble Beef" is the subject of a contemporary's "Hints
to Young Housekeepers," We had always supposed that that sort of thing
could be safely left to the butcher.
***
The demobilised members of a Herefordshire band have all grown too
big for their uniforms. The contra-bombardon man, we understand, also
complains that his instrument is too tight round the chest.
***
"The one unselfish friend of man is the dog," said Sir FREDERICK
BANBURY, M.P. A less courageous man would certainly have mentioned the
PRESIDENT of the United States.
***
A correspondent who signs himself "Selborne" writes to inform us that
about 9 A.M. last Thursday he noticed a pair of labourers building
within a stone's-throw of Catford Bridge.
***
A Hendon man has just completed sixty-two years in a church choir. Few
choir-boys can boast of such a record.
***
One of the young recruits who joined the army last week in Dublin is
seven feet two inches in height. It is satisfactory to note that he is
on our side.
***
It is reported that seven cuckoos have been heard in different parts
of the country during the past week. It is felt in some quarters that
it may be just one cuckoo on a route march.
***
"Bacon Free Yesterday," says a headline. Somebody must have left the
door open.
***
An American scientest claims to have discovered a harmless germ likely
to defeat the "flu" microbe. It is said that some medical men have put
up a purse and that the two germs are being matched to fight a ten
round contest under National Sporting Club rules.
***
Those who have said that the unemployment donation makes for prolonged
holiday have just been dealt a sorry blow. It appears that one North
of England man in receipt of this pay has deliberately started work.
***
Plans for the housing of 12,000 Government clerks have just been
passed. While 12,000 may suffice for a nucleus, we cannot help
thinking that once again the Government isn't really trying.
***
A postman going his rounds at Kingston found a deserted baby on the
lawn of a front garden. It speaks well for the honesty of postal
servants that the child was at once given up.
***
We are pleased to announce with regard to the German waiter who, in
1913, gave a Scotsman a bad sixpence for change, that reassuring news
has just reached Scotland that the fellow, is still alive.
***
A morning paper states that a gentleman who had been at the War Office
since August 1914 was given a big reception on his return home. The
name of the Departmental Chief whom he had been waiting to see has not
yet been disclosed.
***
A morning paper tells us that FRISCO of New York, who is alleged to
have invented the Jazz, has declined an invitation to visit London.
Coward!
***
By the way, they might have told us whether the offer to FRISCO came
from London or New York. Meanwhile we draw our own conclusions.
***
With reference to the horse that recently refused at the third jump
and ran back to the starting-post, we are asked to say that this only
proves the value of backing horses both ways.
***
"No man," says a writer in a daily paper, "can sit down and see a girl
standing in a crowded Tube train." This no doubt accounts for so many
men closing their eyes whilst travelling.
***
Mr. DEVLIN, M.P., has communicated to the Press a scheme for solving
the Irish problem. This is regarded by Irish politicians generally as
a dangerous precedent.
***
A defendant in a County Court case heard in London last week stated in
his evidence that two of his daughters were working and the other was
a typist at the Peace Conference.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HOW PLEASANT IT IS, MY DEAR HORACE, TO PLAY WITH ONE'S
TOYS WITHOUT INCURRING THE RISK OF HAVING ONE'S ENJOYMENT MARRED BY
THE TRAGIC DISCOVERY OF THEIR TEUTONIC ORIGIN!"]
* * * * *
COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
From a placard in a shop-window:--
"Do you buy Tea, or do you buy _our_ Tea?"
* * * * *
"Should a customer cut his hair and shave at the same time,
the price will be one shilling."--_Advt. in "Daily Gleaner"
(Jamaica)_.
Not a bit too much for such ambidexterity.
* * * * *
THE PRICE OF FREEDOM.
I thought the cruel wound was whole
Which left my inside so dyspeptic;
That Time had salved this tortured soul,
Time and Oblivion's antiseptic;
That thirty years (the period since
You showed a preference for Another)
Had fairly schooled me not to wince
At being treated like a brother.
When last I saw the shape I wooed
In coils of adipose embedded,
Fondling its eldest offspring's brood
(The image of the Thing you wedded),
I placed my hand upon the seat
Of those affections you had riven
And gathered from its steady beat
That your offence had been forgiven.
And now, to my surprise and pain,
Long past the stage of convalescence,
The wound has broken out again
With symptoms of pronounced putrescence;
And, from the spot where once was laid
Your likeness treasured in a locket,
The trouble threatens to invade
A tenderer place--my trouser pocket.
For AUSTEN (such is rumour's tale),
Faced with a rude financial deadlock,
Is bent on mulcting every male
Who shirks the privilege of wedlock;
With such a hurt Time cannot deal,
And Lethe here affords no tonic;
Nothing but Death can hope to heal
What looks as if it must be chronic.
And yet a solace soothes my brow,
Making my air a shade less gloomy:--
Six shillings in the pound is now
The figure out of which they do me;
But, were we man and wife to-day
(So close the Treasury loves to link 'em),
A grievous super-tax they'd lay
On our coagulated income.
I dare not even try to guess
What is the charge for being single;
It may be more, it may be less
Than if we twain had chanced to mingle;
But though with thrice as heavy a fist
They fall on bachelors to bleed 'em
Yet, when I think of what I've missed,
I'll gladly pay the cost of Freedom.
O.S.
* * * * *
TEA-CUP TWADDLE.
BY THEODOSIA.
_(With acknowledgments to the kind of paper that wallows in this kind
of thing.)_
Fringe and tassels, tassels and fringe! That is the burden of what I
have to say to you this time; for indeed and indeed this is to be a
fringe-and-tassel season, and you must cover yourself all over with
fringe and the rest of yourself with tassels, or else "to a nunnery
go."
_A propos_, I popped into the dressing-room of the ever-delightful
Miss Frillie Farrington at the Incandescent the other evening and had
the joy of seeing her put on that sweet ickle f'ock she wears for the
Jazz supper scene in _Oh My!_ All the materials used are three yards
of embroidered chiffon, six yards of tinsel fringe and six dozen
tinsel tassels; and anything so completely swish and so immensely
tra-la-la you simply never!
The Armistice Smile is quickly giving way to the Peace Face. For the
Peace Face the eyes should look calmly straight before one, and the
lips should be gently closed, but not set in a hard line. Everybody
who is anybody is busy practising the Peace Face, as it is sure to be
wanted some day.
Was in a big squeeze the other night coining out of the Opera and
overheard Lady Mary Clarges remark to her pretty daughter, "What a
crush!" Lady Mary has a big reputation for always saying the right
thing.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I tell you that spotted
stockings have been seen walking in the park! Oh, no, there wasn't
anything spooky or _seancy_ about it; the stockings weren't walking
all alone by themselves; they were on the--that's to say, they were
worn by a very well-known woman, whose stockings are sure to give the
lead to _multitudes_ of other stockings!
Am told that the "Back from France" fancy-dress dance at Widelands
House, in honour of Captain Lord Widelands, was a huge success.
Winnie, Lady Widelands (grandmother of the hero of the night) was
enormously admired as a boy-scout.
I hear that there's been a great big noise at Middleshire Park. Lord
Middleshire found that Lady M. had asked LENIN and TROTSKY to join
her house-party at Easter. Lady Middleshire, who is one of the most
beautiful and gifted of our young go-ahead hostesses, assured her
husband that she meant no harm and had no Bolshie leanings, but simply
wanted to be even with Lady Oldacres, who has secured the Eskimo
Contortionists from the Palladrome for her Easter party.
I've received _mountains_ of letters asking about sucking the thumb,
as introduced by dainty Miss Vanity Vaux in _Draw it mild, Daisy_.
Only the _tip_ of the thumb should be sucked; those of you who put the
_whole_ thumb into your mouths must not complain if you see smiles
exchanged round you. Where the eyes are large and widely opened and
the right cast of feature exists, the thumb may be sucked by girls up
to forty-five.
Passed the beautiful young Countess of Southshire walking near
Belgrave Square yesterday. As usual, she was _parfaitement mise_. Was
sorry for _her_ sake, but glad for my own, to hear her sneeze twice,
for she is considered to have easily the most musical sneeze in
London. Talk of sneezing, during the 'flu epidemic Madame Fallalerie
has been giving a course of lessons, "How to sneeze prettily" (twenty
guineas the course), and her reception-rooms in Bond Street have been
simply packed.
Absolutely _everybody_ seemed to be lunching at Kickshaw's yesterday!
Lord and Lady Oldacres were at a table with some of their children,
which reminds me of the fact that family parties are rather good form
just now. It's not at all unusual to see husbands and wives together,
and children, both small and grown-up, are quite _often_ with their
parents.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S "SPORPOT."
The sum of L91 11_s_. 0_d_. generously collected by various schools in
South Africa for the "Sporpot" (savings-box) fund, which was suggested
in these pages by Mr. Punch's friend, the late Mr. BERTRAM SMITH of
Beattock, has been distributed amongst the Belgian refugees who have
spent four and a half years of exile at Beattock and have just left to
return to their own country.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SPRING DEFENSIVE.
JOHN BULL. "I DON'T SAY IT QUITE MEETS THE CASE, BUT _(cheerfully)_
IT'S A SIZE LARGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sandy (at Victoria Station)_. "GIE ME _THE PEEBLES
HERALD_."
_Attendant_. "WE DON'T KEEP IT."
_Sandy_. "THEN JUST GIE ME ONE O' YER LOCAL PAPERS."]
* * * * *
MIXED BIOGRAPHY.
The achievement of a certain paper in identifying the late Mr. G.W.E.
RUSSELL with Mr. GEORGE RUSSELL ("AE"), the Irish poet, is likely to
encourage imitation. The following first attempts have come under our
notice:--
It is not generally known that the FOREIGN SECRETARY began life in a
Sheffield steel factory. By unremitting toil he became Master Cutler,
having first served an apprenticeship as Chief Secretary for Ireland.
The inclusion of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR in the Coal Commission was
particularly happy, and no one will grudge him his well-earned title
of Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH.
Sir ANTHONY HOPE HAWKINS, better known as Mr. Justice HAWKINS, like
his brother judge, Mr. Justice GILBERT PARKER, combines a profound
knowledge of law with a fine literary gift. His well-known treatise on
Habeas Corpus, entitled _The Prisoner of Zenda_, will be familiar to
all students.
During the absence of the gallant Colonel JOHN WARD at the Front, we
understand that Mrs. WARD has been seeing through the Press a new
story, which is a return to the earlier manner of her _Robert
Elsmere_.
Sir GEORGE ASKWITH, as he will still be remembered long after his
elevation to the peerage, first struck the public imagination by his
advice to the railwaymen, who, when they asked what would happen if
they persisted in striking, received the answer, "Wait and see."
London is becoming herself again. Among well-known persons noticed
about yesterday were Mr. MCKENNA, whose retirement from office
presumably gives him more leisure for that sequel to _Sonia_ for which
we are all waiting; Mr. J.W.H.T. DOUGLAS, Cricket Specialist of _The
Star_; Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON, on his way to his work at the Ministry
of Labour; and Sir HARRY JOHNSON, the famous African pugilist.
* * * * *
THE BETTER PART.
[It is suggested that one result of army life will be a boom in
big-game hunting and visits to the world's most inaccessible
spots.]
He may be correct, the observer who says
Henceforth there'll be many a rover
Ambitious to go, in American phrase,
To the edge of beyond and some over;
But I, for my part, harbour other designs;
My wanderlust's wholly abated;
With travel on even luxurious lines
I'm more than sufficiently sated.
Having roamed into Egypt, according to plan,
Along with my fellows (a merry Co.),
Having carried a pack from Beersheba to Dan
And footslogged from Gaza to Jericho,
I'll not seek a fresh inaccessible spot
In order to slaughter a new brute;
To me inaccessible's anywhere not
To be found on a regular tube route.
For barbarous jungles or desolate streams
I don't give a tuppenny damlet;
For, candidly, London revisited seems
A very endurable hamlet;
Though others may find her excitements too mild
And sigh for things gladder or madder,
I'm fully resolved that the call of the wild
Shall find me as deaf as an adder.
* * * * *
"Trouser maker wanted; constant."--_Jewish Chronicle_.
A very desirable quality in a composer of continuations.
* * * * *
"STRANGE BIGAMY STORY.
"MUNITIONER SAID TO HAVE POSED AS A WEALTHY MAN."
_Evening News_.
The strange thing, of course, is that he should have needed to pose.
* * * * *
THE TRAGEDY OF THE SUPER-PATRIOT.
If you happen to be standing upon the platform of Ealing Common
station at about nine o'clock on a week-day morning you will see a
poor shrunken figure with a hunted expression upon his face come
creeping down the stairs. And as the train comes in he will slink into
a carriage and hide himself behind his newspaper and great tears will
come into his eyes as he reads the correspondence column and thinks of
the days when his own letters used to be published over the signatures
of "Volunteer," "Patriot," or "Special Constable of Two Years'
Service." And this sorry figure is Mr. Coaster, whose patriotism
proved his undoing.
Before he lived in Ealing he had a little cottage at Ramstairs, on the
Kentish coast. Every morning he would travel up to the City, and every
evening he would return to Ramstairs, not to the carpet slippers and
the comforts of home, but to the brassard and the rigorous routine of
the drill-hall.
And the little drill-hall was filled with the noise of war as the Men
of Kent marched hither and thither, lashed by the caustic tongue of
the Territorial sergeant, with all the enthusiasm of the early Saxons
who flocked to HAROLD'S standard in order to repel the Danes.
For Mr. Coaster was as great a patriot as any of the old Saxons. In a
burst of enthusiasm he joined the Special Constables; in an explosion
of wrath, following the bombardment of Scarborough, he enlisted in the
Kentish Fencibles, and in a wave of self-sacrifice he enrolled himself
in the Old Veterans' Fire Brigade. And he had badges upon each lapel
of his coat and several dotted all over his waistcoat.
He belonged to a noble company of patriots. All true Men of Kent who
were past the fighting age joined one or other of these institutions,
but luckily not more than one.
On a certain fatal night a general alarm was given. In due course a
notification of it was conveyed to Ramstairs, and instantaneously the
members of the Special Constabulary, the Kentish Fencibles and the
Veterans' Fire Brigade were summoned from their beds. Then did Mr.
Coaster realise his terrible position. Since he belonged to all three,
to which of them should he now report? After some agonising moments of
doubt he hung up his three types of headgear upon the hat-stand and,
shutting his eyes, he twirled himself round twice and made a grab at
them. His hand touched the helmet of the Veterans' Fire Brigade. Fate
had decided. Seizing his fireman's axe he rushed off down the street.
The result of this was inevitable. He was dismissed with ignominy
from the Special Constables and was condemned to death, with a
recommendation to mercy, by a court-martial of the Kentish Fencibles.
His old friends among the Men of Kent cut him dead; the tradesmen of
his platoon refused to serve him. He had to leave Ramstairs and he
retired to Ealing. The catastrophe ruined his health. But he still
gets a little solace when, as he wipes the tears from his eyes after
reading the correspondence column of his penny paper, he sees upon his
waistcoat the crossed axes surmounted by a fire bucket, the emblem of
the Veterans' Fire Brigade.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Aunt (guardian of little nephew who has run away)_.
"EVERY COMFORT ALBERT 'AD--INCLUDIN' WHITE MICE IN 'IS BEDROOM."]
* * * * *
PARADISE REGAINED.
"Lady tired of her clothes wishes to sell them all very
cheaply."--_Pioneer (Allahabad)._
* * * * *
A STAYER.
"In this race County Cricket was left at least eight lengths and
yet managed to cover up ground and was only beaten by half a
week, greatest surprise to all those who noticed it."----_Bombay
Chronicle_.
We gather that it was only noticed by a few spectators who happened to
be staying on over the week-end.
* * * * *
From a publisher's advertisement of Mr. CHESTERTON'S works:--
"A SHILLING FOR MY THOUGHTS, Fcap. 8vo. _2s_. net."
Is "G.K.C." also among the profiteers?
* * * * *
"Private Frank Edwards, Canadian Forces, a native of Berwick, has
been presented to the King as the oldest soldier on active service
with the B.E.F. He enlisted as a private in the 50's and went
right away to fight in France."--_Edinbro' Evening News_.
We calculate that he is entitled to at least fifty-nine blue chevrons
and one red.
* * * * *
[ILLUSTRATION: BATTALION INSPECTION IN FRANCE.
MEN ARE BEING DEMOBILISED FASTER THAN OFFICERS.]
* * * * *
"CLEAR THE GALLERIES."
In response to the growth of dissatisfaction at the continued closing
of certain picture galleries and museums, either wholly or in part,
the Government has appointed a special commission to investigate the
matter, under the presidency of Sir Tite Barnacle (fifth baronet). A
report of the first session follows, during which the cases for the
public and culture, and for the Government as against both, were fully
stated.
The first witness was Lord HARCOURT, who said that he had done all he
could, both in the House of Lords and in the columns of _The Times_,
where, he was glad to say, large type was given him, to bring the
Government to its senses on this matter. So long as the War was on, he
and his fellow-critics had refrained from interfering. But now that
it was over they demanded that the museums and galleries should be
cleared at once of flappers and typewriters and thrown open again to
their rightful users, the public.
Sir Buffer Stayte, K.C.B., O.B.E., speaking for his own Government
department, said that, although in a manner of speaking the War was
over, it was also not over. There was a heritage of trouble which
required endless attention, and the best place to attend to it was in
the museums and galleries. Experience had taught them that buildings
filled with works of art acquired by the nation, either by purchase
or gift, for the nation, and held as a national trust, were the most
suitable places in which a clerical staff could perform clerical
duties.
Lord HARCOURT begged to suggest that such a disregard of a national
trust was a treachery.
Sir Buffer Stayte said that, although in ordinary times such might be
the case, it was not so in war-time or while the Defence of the
Realm Act was in force. Under Dora's sanction all black was white.
Personally he had every belief in the efficiency of the staffs now
employed in the various public galleries and museums. He had seen them
arrive late and leave early--he meant arrive early and leave late--and
could not sufficiently admire their willingness to put up with the
dismal surroundings of pictures and curiosities.
Mr. ROBERT WITT, one of the Trustees of the National Gallery, said
that it was inconceivable to him as a business man that even if so
many clerks should still be required there was not a more reasonable
place for them than Trafalgar Square.
Sir Thomas Tannin, K.B.E., speaking for his own Government department,
said that it was evident that Mr. WITT did not fully realise the
position. These were historic and abnormal times and abnormal measures
were necessary. We thought in high numbers, and therefore high numbers
of clerks were needed. Trafalgar Square was as conveniently central a
spot as could be found; hence their presence there. It had also been
pointed out by the chiefs of the Government Clerks' Tea Advisory Board
that the facilities for obtaining more water for boiling were unusual
on account of the proximity of the two great fountains. If anybody
could suggest a better place for the accommodation of all these young
ladies he would be glad to know of it. The only suggestion yet made
had reference to buildings which, having been designed for office
work, were obviously unsuitable. Another reason for keeping them on
was their cost. Economy in one direction might lead to economy
in another, and the whole fabric of the now bureaucracy would be
threatened. It was therefore useless to hope for any early change.
Sir SIDNEY LEE pointed out that, owing to the occupation of a large
part of the National Gallery, all the National Portrait Gallery, all
the Tate Gallery, and all Hertford House, where the Wallace Collection
is, by Government clerks, these national institutions were not open
to our soldiers from the Dominions and the provinces, who might never
again have the opportunity of refreshing their eyes by gazing upon
some of our most beautiful possessions. In their interest alone he
pleaded for the rapid conversion of the buildings to their proper
ends.
Sir Yutely Taryan, K.C.V.O., speaking for his own Government
Department, said that in his opinion a great deal of nonsense was
talked about art, both its educational value and its power of giving
pleasure. Speaking for himself, even in normal times, he would rather
see a picture gallery given up to living clerks than to dead canvases.
If he had his way there should be no pictures but those that
stimulated people to greater activity. He had, for example, never seen
any beauty in WHISTLER'S portrait of his (WHISTLER'S) mother until it
was reproduced as a War-savings poster, with words scrawled across it.
A few of the placards which American business men pinned up in their
offices, such as, "To Hell with Yesterday," were better than all the
Old Masters.
Continuing, Sir Yutely said that he could not permit himself to accept
the view that any privation was being suffered by our brave lads from
overseas. From conversations that he had had with some of them he
found that the only pictures that they knew anything of or cared about
were those in the cinemas. From his own recollections of his only
visit to the National Gallery some years ago he should say that these
noble fellows were better outside that place than in. One painting
that he saw there was so scandalous in its nudity that he blushed even
now when he thought of it. Better far that our defenders from the
Dominions should continue to walk up and down the Strand.