Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 26, 1919 by Various
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 156.
FEBRUARY 26, 1919
CHARIVARIA.
"GERMANY," says Count RANTZAU, "cannot be treated as a second-rate
nation." Not while it is represented by tenth-rate noblemen.
***
People are now asking who the General is who has threatened not to
write a book about the War?
***
On Sunday week, at Tallaght, Co. Dublin, seven men attacked a
policeman. The campaign for a brighter Sunday is evidently not
wanted in Ireland.
***
The United States Government is sending a Commission to investigate
industrial conditions in the British Isles. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, we
understand, has courteously offered to try to keep one or two
industries going until the Commission arrives.
***
"Everything that happened more than a fortnight ago," says Mr. GEORGE
BERNARD SHAW in _The Daily News_, "always is forgotten in this land
of political trifling." We must draw what comfort we can from the
reflection that Mr. SHAW himself happened more than a fortnight ago.
***
"Margarine," says an official notice, "can be bought anywhere
after to-day." This is not the experience of the man who entered
an ironmonger's shop and asked for a couple of feet of it.
***
A woman who threatened to murder a neighbour was fined one shilling at
Chertsey. We shudder to think what it would have cost her if she had
actually carried out her threat.
***
A contemporary refers to "those abominable face-masks" now being worn
in London. Can this be a revival of the late Mr. RICHARDSON'S campaign
against the wearing of whiskers?
***
"A Court of Justice is not a place of amusement," said Mr. Justice
ROCHE at Manchester Assizes. Mr. Justice DARLING'S rejoinder is
eagerly awaited.
***
We are informed by "Hints for the Home," that "Salsify may be lifted
during the next few days." So may Susan, if you don't watch out.
***
So many safes have been stolen from business premises in London that
one enterprising man has hit upon the novel idea of putting a notice
on his safe, "Not to be Taken Away."
***
A sapper of the Royal Engineers who climbed the steeple of a parish
church and reached the clock told the local magistrates that he wanted
to see the dial. That, of course, is no real excuse in these days of
cheap wrist-watches.
***
By order of the Local Government Board influenza has been made a
notifiable disease. We sincerely hope that this will be a lesson to
it.
***
An evening paper suggests that the Albert Hall should be purchased by
the nation. We understand, however, that our contemporary has been
forestalled by a gentleman who has offered to take it on the condition
that a bathroom (h. and c.) is added.
***
A correspondent writes to a paper to ask if it is necessary to have a
licence to play the cornet in the streets. All that is necessary, we
understand, is a strong constitution and indomitable pluck.
***
We are asked to deny the foolish allegation that several M.P.s only
went into Parliament because they couldn't get sleeping accommodation
elsewhere.
***
In connection with the rush for trains on the Underground, an official
is reported to have said that things would be much better if everybody
undertook not to travel during the busiest hours.
***
An American journal advertises a lighthouse for sale. It is said to
be just the thing for tall men in search of a seaside residence.
***
The policeman who told the Islington bus-driver to take off his
influenza mask is going on as well as can be expected.
***
Pwllheli Town Council is reported to have refused the offer of a
German gun as a trophy. The Council is apparently piqued because it
was not asked in the first instance whether it wanted a war at all.
***
All Metropolitan police swords have been called in. We decline to
credit the explanation that, in spite of constant practice, members
of the force, kept cutting their mouths.
***
French politicians are advocating the giving of an additional vote for
each child in the family. In France, it will be remembered, the clergy
are celibate.
***
"We are looking for the ideal omnibus," says an official of the
L.G.O.C. We had no idea that they had lost it. Meanwhile their other
omnibus continues to cause a good deal of excitement as it flashes
by.
***
"Buildings occupied by the League of Nations," says _The Daily Mail_,
"are to enjoy the benefits of extraterritoriality." It sounds a lot,
but we were afraid it was going to be something much more expensive
than that.
***
"In a month," says a news item, "fourteen abandoned babies have been
found in London." Debauched, no doubt, by the movies.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE MORNING AFTER THE BURGLARY. "AND HE'S LEFT THE
LIGHT ON!"]
* * * * *
A STRIKING ADVERTISEMENT.
"Negib Fahmy, Assistant Goods Manager Egyptian State Railways,
was attacked by a discharged railway poster a short time
ago."--_Egyptian Gazette_.
* * * * *
"On Sunday morning the engine of the Paris-Marseilles express on
arriving at the Gare de Lyon mounted the platform and only came
to a standstill in front of the buffet."--_Times_.
Machinery nowadays exhibits almost human intelligence.
* * * * *
"BOURNEMOUTH.--Delicate or Chronic Lady received in
charming house."--_British Weekly_.
In the new army a gentleman may be "temporary;" but once a lady always
a lady.
* * * * *
THE HUN AS IDEALIST.
A guileless nation, very soft of heart,
Keen to embrace the whole wide world as brothers,
Anxious to do our reasonable part
In reparation of the sins of others,
We note with pained surprise
How little we are loved by the Allies.
What if the Fatherland was led astray
From homely paths, the scene, of childlike gambols,
Lured to pursue Ambition's naughty way
(And incidentally make earth a shambles),
All through a wicked Kaiser--
Are they, for that blind fault, to brutalize her?
Just when we hoped the past was clean forgot,
They want us to restore their goods and greenery!
They want us to replace upon the spot
The "theft" (oh, how unfair!) of that machinery;
By which our honest labours
Might have secured the markets of our neighbours!
Bearing the cross for other people's, crime,
Eager to purge the wrong by true repentance,
When to a purer air we fain would climb,
How can we do it under such a sentence?
Is this the law of Love,
Supposed to animate the Blessed Dove?
Oh, not for mere material loss alone,
Not for our trade, reduced to pulp, we whimper,
But for our dashed illusions we make moan,
Our spiritual aims grown limp and limper,
Our glorious aspirations
Touching a really noble League of Nations.
So, like a phantom dawn, it fades to dark,
This vision of a world made new and better;
And he whose heavenly notes recalled the lark
Soaring, in air without an earthly fetter--
WILSON is gone, the mystic,
Whose views, like ours, were so idealistic!
O.S.
* * * * *
GOOD-BYE TO THE AUXILIARY PATROL.
I.--THE SHIP.
When it was announced that we were to be paid off and that the gulls
and porpoises that help to make the Dogger Bank the really jolly place
it is would know us no more, there was, I admit, a certain amount of
subdued jubilation on board. It is true that the Mate and the Second
Engineer fox-trotted twice round the deck and into the galley, where
they upset a ship's tin of gravy; and the story that the Trimmer, his
complexion liberally enriched with oil and coaldust, embraced the
Lieutenant and excitedly hailed the Skipper by his privy pseudonym
of "Plum-face," cannot be lightly discredited; but at the same time
I think each one of us felt a certain twinge of regret. Life in the
future apart from our trawler seemed impossible, almost absurd.
Pacificists must have known a similar feeling on Armistice day.
Although to the outsider one trawler may look very like another, to
us who know them personally they differ in character and have their
little idiosyncrasies no less than other people. Some are quite surly
and obstinate, others good-humoured and light-hearted; where one
exhibits all the stately dignity of a College head-porter another may
be as skittish and full of fun as a magistrate on the Bench. There was
one trawler at our base so vain that they could never get her to enter
the lockpits until her decks had been scrubbed and a string of bunting
hoisted at the foremast. It is surprising.
Taking her all in all our trawler was a good sort, one of the best.
When steaming head to wind in a heavy sea she certainly shipped an
amazing quantity of water, and even in a comparative calm she would
occasionally fling an odd bucketful or so of North Sea down the neck
or into the sea-boots of the unwary; but it was only her sense of fun.
She took particular delight in playing it on a new member of the crew;
it made him feel at home.
She was not what you would call a really clean ship--as the Skipper
said, if you washed your hands one day they were just as bad again
the next--but anyone who makes a fuss over a trifle like that is no
true-born sailorman. We all loved her and were proud of her speed,
for she could make nine knots at a push. Even the Second Engineer, who
had been a fireman in the Wilson line, was moved to admit in a moment
of admiration that she didn't do so badly for a floating pig-trough,
which was no meagre praise from a man with such a past.
She was a touchy ship, quick to resent and avenge a slight on her
good name. We had a strange Lieutenant one trip who came from a depot
ship at Southampton and wore a monocle. He was rather sore at having
to exchange a responsible harbour billet for the command of a mere
sea-going trawler, and expressed the opinion that there might be more
disgustingly dirty ships afloat than ours, but if so they were not
allowed out during official daylight; We felt her quiver from stem to
stern with rage. She took her revenge that evening as the Lieutenant
was coming aft for tea. It was a floppy sea and he unwisely ventured
along the windward side of the casing, and she seized her opportunity.
The Mate picked him up out of the scuppers and we dried his clothes
over the boilers, but the monocle was never seen again. The crew were
not so sympathetic as they might have been; they felt that he had
asked for it.
But, though her personal beauty would not have been unrivalled at a
Cowes Regatta and her somewhat erratic motions were not calculated to
bring balm to the soul of an unseasoned mariner, she was a faithful
ship, and no one could ever question her courage. At the sight of a
hostile periscope she used positively to see red, and she once steamed
across a mine-field without turning a hatch-cover. Throughout her
naval career she was a credit to the White Ensign and bravely upheld
the proud traditions of her ancestors.
She is to be handed back to her owners and will presumably return to
the more peaceful occupation of deep-sea fishing. It will be strange
to think of her still labouring away out there on the Nor'-East Rough
whilst we who have shared her trials so long are following once more
the less arduous ways of the land. If she prove as eager in the
pursuit of her undersea quarry as she was on the trail of the U-Boat I
would not change places with the cod and haddocks of the North Sea for
the prize-money of an Admiral. Good luck to her!
* * * * *
"[Printed upside-down: Pilot] fully qualified, wishes to obtain
appointment, with Flying School or Aircraft Firm."--_Technical
Paper_.
Judging by his advertisement he is an expert in looping.
* * * * *
"Station Officer R.D. Coleman, who has been for ten years in
charge of the Lewisham station of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade
(in which he has served 282 years), retired on Tuesday last.
Sub-officer Seadden was recently the medium of presenting to him
a marble-cased timepiece and ornaments from the officers and men
of the brigade."--_Local Paper_.
But what use will the clock be to a man for whom time obviously stands
still?
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE DAWN OF INTELLIGENCE IN BERLIN.
FIRST TEUTON. "AFTER ALL IT SEEMS THAT OUR EVER-VICTORIOUS ARMY WAS
BEATEN IN THE FIELD. ARE WE DOWN-HEARTED?"
SECOND TEUTON. "JA!"]
* * * * *
THE MUD LARKS.
Only a few months ago our William and his trusty troop swooped upon
a couple of Bosch field batteries floundering in a soft patch on the
far side of Tournai. William afflicted their gun teams with his little
Hotchkiss gadget, then prepared to gallop them. He had unshipped his
knife and was offering his sergeant long odds on scoring first "pink,"
when our two squadron trumpeters trotted out from a near-by coppice
and solemnly puffed "Cease Fire"--for all the world as if it was the
end of a field-day on the Plain and time to trot home to tea. William
was furious.
"There y'are," he snorted. "Just because I happened to have a full
troop out for once, all my horses fit, no wire or trenches in the way,
the burst of the season ahead and the only chance I've had in four and
a-half years of doing a really artistic bit of carving they must go
and stop the ruddy War. Poo! ain't that the bally Army all over? Bah!
I've done with it."
So he filled in the bare patches in every Demobilisation Form Z 15 he
could lay pen to.
Taking the proud motto of the MOND dynasty--"Make yourself
necessary"--for guide, he became something different every day in his
quest after an "Essential Trade." He was in turn a one-man-business, a
railway-porter, a coal-miner, a farmer, a NORTHCLIFFE leader-writer, a
taxi-baron, a jazz-professor and a non-union barber. At one moment he
was single, an orphan alone and unloved; at another he had a drunken
wife, ten consumptive young children and several paralytic old parents
to support. All to no avail; nobody would believe him.
Then one day he heard from a friend who by the simple expedient of
posing as a schoolmaster for a few minutes was now in "civvies" and
getting three days' hunting and four days' golf a week.
William grabbed up yet another A.F. Z 15, and dedicated his life to
the intellectual uplift of the young.
This time he drew a reply and by return.
Corps H.Q. held the view that he, William, was the very fellow they
had been looking for, longing for, praying for. They had him appointed
Regimental Educational Officer (without increase of rank, pay or
allowances) on the spot, and would he get on with it, please, and
indent through them for any materials required in the furtherance of
the good work?
William was furious. Confound the Staff! What did the blighted
red-tape-worms take him for? A blithering pedagogue in cap, gown
and horn spectacles? He kicked the only sound chair in the Mess to
splinters, cursed for two hours and sulked for twenty-four. After
which childish display he pulled himself together and indented on
Corps Educational Branch for four hundred treatises on elementary
Arabic, Arabic being the sole respectable subject in which he was
even remotely competent to instruct.
Corps H.Q. tore up his indent. It was absurd, they said, to
suppose that the entire regiment intended emigrating to Arabia on
demobilisation. William must get in touch with the men and find out
what practical everyday trades they were anxious to take up.
William was furious. "Isn't that the rotten Staff all over?" he fumed.
"Make an earnest and conscientious effort to give the poor soldiers a
leg-up with a vital, throbbing, commercial and classical _patois_ and
the brass-bound perishers choke you off! Poo-bah! Na poo!"
Then he pulled himself together again and indented on Corps
Educational Branch once more, this time for "Lions; menagerie; one."
Corps came down on William like St. Paul's Cathedral falling down
Ludgate Hill. What the thunder did he mean by it? Trying to be funny
with them, was he? He must explain himself instantly--Grrrr!
William was very calm. Couldn't understand what all this unseemly,
uproar was about, he wrote. Everything was in order. Obeying their
esteemed instructions to the letter he had made inquiries among the
men as to what practical everyday trades they were wishful to learn,
and, finding one stout fellow who was very anxious to enter public
life as a lion-tamer, he had indented for a lion for the chap to
practise on. What could be more natural? Furthermore, while on the
subject, when they forwarded the lion, would they be so good as to
include a muzzle in the parcel, as he thought it would be as well to
have some check on the creature during the preliminary lessons.
Corps H.Q.'s reply to this was brief and witty. They instructed the
Adjutant to cast William under arrest.
William was furious. PATLANDER.
* * * * *
From a speech at a St. Andrew's Day dinner:--
"The Navy have but recently had a partial reward in the
unparralleled spectacle of the surrender of the bulk of the
German fleet which run lies swigly in Scotish waters, which
now lies snugly, as is meet and fittinf, in Scottish for ever.
Loud cheers."--_South American Paper_.
It is inferred that the printer was at the dinner.
* * * * *
PRINCESS CHARMING.
Once upon a time there was a Royal christening.
It was a very grand christening and the highest in the land were among
the assembled guests. There was more than one Royal Personage present,
and many lords and ladies and ambassadors and plenipotentiaries and
all manner of dignified and imposing people.
For it was a real Princess that was being christened, which is a thing
that does not occur every day in the year.
Quite a number of fairies were there too. Fairies are very fond of
christenings, and there are always a good many of them about on these
occasions.
They were very lavish in their gifts.
One gave the baby beauty; another gave her a sweet and gentle
disposition; another, charm of manner; a fourth, a quick and
intelligent mind. She really was a very fortunate baby, so many
and so varied were the gifts bestowed upon her by the fairy folk.
Last of all came the Fairy Queen.
She arrived late, having come on from a coster's wedding in the East
End of London, a good many miles away.
She was rather breathless and her crown was a little on one side,
indeed her whole appearance was a trifle dishevelled.
"Oh, my dear," she murmured to her chief lady-in-waiting as she
bustled lightly up the aisle, "I've had such a time. It was a charming
wedding. The tinned-salmon was delicious, and there were winkles--and
gin. I only just tasted the gin, of course, for luck, you know,
but really it was very good. I had no idea--And there was a real
barrel-organ, and we danced in the street. The bride had the most
lovely ostrich feathers. The bridegroom was a perfect dear. I kissed
him: I kissed everyone, I think. We all did ... Now what about this
baby?" For by this time they had reached that part of the church where
the ceremony was taking place. "I suppose you've already given her
most of the nice things?"
The lady-in-waiting rapidly enumerated the fairy-gifts which the
fairies had bestowed upon the child.
The Queen looked at the baby.
"What a darling!" she said; "I must give her something very nice." She
hovered a moment over the child's head, "She shall marry the man of
her choice," she said, "and live happily ever after."
There was a little stir among the fairies. The lady-in-waiting laid
her hand on the Queen's arm.
"I'm afraid Your Majesty has forgotten," she said; "this is a Royal
Baby."
"Well," said the Queen, "what of that?"
"You know we rather make it a rule not to interfere in these matters
in the case of Royalty," said the lady-in-waiting. "We generally
leave it to the family. You see they usually prefer to make their own
arrangements. There are reasons. We can give a great deal, but we
can't do _everything_. Besides, it would hardly be fair. They have
so many advantages--"
The Fairy Queen looked round at all the people who were assembled
in the church; she had indeed forgotten for the moment what a very
important occasion this was. Then she looked at the baby.
"I don't care," she said, "I don't care. She's a darling, and she
_shall_ marry the man of her heart. I'm sure it will be someone nice.
You'll see, it'll be all right."
She kissed the baby's forehead, and the little Princess opened wide
her blue eyes and smiled. Several people; noticed it.
"Did you see the baby smile at the Bishop?" they said to one another
afterwards. But then, you see, nobody but the baby could see the Fairy
Queen.
The other fairies were still a little perturbed. They shook their
heads doubtfully and whispered to one another as they floated out of
the church. It wasn't done.
"If only she had made it a King's son," the chief lady-in-waiting
muttered to herself. "That would have made it so much better. But 'the
man of her choice'--so very vague."
The Fairy Queen, however, was quite happy. She laughed at the solemn
faces of her retinue.
"You'll see," she repeated, "it will be quite all right." And she flew
gaily off to Fairyland.
* * * * *
This isn't a fairy story at all. That's the nicest part about it. It
all really happened. And the real name of the Princess--Oh, but I
needn't tell you that. _Everybody_ knows who Princess Charming is.
R.F.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lieut. X._ (_in Paris for the Peace Conference_).
"VOUS FEREZ LE POLISSON AVEC UN PEU DE LINGERIE."]
* * * * *
Letter received at a Demobilisation office:--
"I have Certified that I Pte. ---- as got Urgent on the LNWR
Curzan St goods as also taken a Weeks Notice from Feburary 2nd
to 9th to Leave Colours on His Magesties forces and allso beg
to Resign. Signed Pte. ----."
Private ---- was evidently taking no chances.
* * * * *
THE 1930 FLYING SCANDAL.
_To the Editor of "The Wireless News." 1st June, 1930_.
Dear Sir,--I wish to protest through your columns against the
outrageous behaviour of the drivers of public air conveyances on the
Brighton Front.
Yesterday I and other passengers boarded a ramshackle aero-a-banc
(the floor of which was covered with musty straw) with the intention
of having a "joy-trip" to Rottingdean. The fare was two shillings and
sixpence. We had not mounted five hundred feet into the air before the
driver yelled to us, "Nah then, another 'arf-a-chrahn all rahnd or
I'll loop the loop." We were forced to comply with the demand of this
highwayman of the atmospheric thoroughfares; but on alighting I took
the first opportunity of giving his number to a policeman.
One sighs for the old-fashioned courtesy of the taxi-cab driver of
another decade.
Yours, etc., CONSTANT READER.
* * * * *
COMMERCIAL ALTRUISM.
"Why not give your jaded palate a new pleasure? 'Impossible!' you
say. This is so, if you smoke Our Tobacco, otherwise not nearly
so impossible as you think."--_Port Elizabeth Paper_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_contemplating new hand_). "WELL, AT ALL
EVENTS HE DON'T SEEM TO BE INFECTED WITH THIS HERE LABOUR UNREST."]
* * * * *
THE ARK.
[The Dean of LINCOLN is reported to have informed the Lower House
of Convocation that he "simply did not believe" in the Biblical
episode of the Ark.]
The dangerous voyage at length is o'er
And she has crossed the oilcloth floor
And grounded on the woolly mat,
The wooded slopes of Ararat.
Upon this lately flooded land
It's very difficult to stand
The animals in double row,
When some have lost a leg or so;
A book is best to carry those
Who still feel sea-sick in their toes.
For NOAH and his sons and wives
This is the moment of their lives;
They walk together up and down
In stiff wide hat and dressing-gown,
Well pleased to greet the dove once more,
Who landed safe the day before.
You recollect that day of rain,
Of drumming roof, of streaming pane,
How, just before the hour of tea,
A great light bathed the nursery;
And you those tiresome tresses shook
Back from your eyes and whispered, "Look!"
The day-lost sun was sinking low,
Filling the world with after-glow;
We saw together, you and I,
A rainbow right across the sky.