Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 19, 1919 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 19, 1919
Our Mr. Carfax too had an awkward incident happen to him. We were
walking down the street discussing the Pay Warrant, which gives the
young Army of Occupation a bonus from February 1st, and gives us
nothing for doing their job until May, when suddenly a civilian
passed us with a mere nod. Mr. Carfax went on with his insubordinate
conversation, oblivious to the insult.
"Mr. Carfax," I said sadly, "when will you learn that private affairs
must never be allowed to interfere with military duties?"
"Sir," he said, surprised and aggrieved, "though a pivotal man of some
years' standing I really am taking an interest in my platoon--"
"It is not that," I said; "but do you know you allowed a civilian to
pass on your side without taking his hat off?"
Scarlet with chagrin he rushed back after the offender and "hooted him
up" more sternly than I could have believed possible for anybody but a
Hun to the manner bred.
"I'm most awfully sorry," said the man, "but I've only just got out
and didn't know about it." It transpired (as they say) that he was an
Englishman who had been interned in the village for four years.
L.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ["All horses selected from the Expeditionary Forces for
shipment to the United Kingdom must have the letter Y clipped on the
off saddle."---_Remount Regulation_.]
_Elated War-Horse (on completion of operation)_. "HOME, JOHN!"]
* * * * *
"Mr. ---- will play the flue obbligato for Miss ----, and none
better could be found."--_Provincial Paper_.
Very kind of him, no doubt, but most of us would prefer to do without
this accompaniment.
* * * * *
PUNCH'S APPEAL FOR "OUR DAY."
The following letter, dated March 12th, has been received from Sir
ARTHUR STANLEY:--
"The completion of the Fund which Mr. Punch has raised in
connection with the 'Our Day' appeal gives me the opportunity
of again expressing my grateful appreciation of this splendid
effort.
"The total remittances we have received from you amount to
L11,040 5s. 5d., and the long list of subscribers shows
how loyally and generously the readers of _Punch_ have rallied
to your appeal.
"On behalf of the Joint War Committee of the British Red Cross
Society and the Order of St. John, I should like to thank you
and your readers most cordially for the welcome assistance you
have provided for the relief of the sick and wounded."
* * * * *
"To-day in the garden:--
"Refine the onion-bed thoroughly."--_Daily Mail_.
Have you tried eau-de-Cologne?
* * * * *
_NOUVELLES DE PARIS_.
_Paris, March 1919._
DEAREST POPPY,--I have a piece of news to send you from here that will
give you a veritable _frisson d'angoisse_. No, it doesn't concern the
Peace Conference; it's something far worse than that. _Figurez-vous_,
the new style of _coiffure_ is severe to the point of being absolutely
terrifying--that is to the woman who has been shivering on the brink
of thirty for any length of time.
Foreheads are coming in again--_que c'est embetant_! I thought they'd
been abolished long ago. I wish I could get hold of the _mechant_ (for
I know it's a man) who is introducing them now. I had my hair dressed
_chez_ Manet to-day in the new style, and when I saw myself afterwards
I sat down and wept like the women of Babylon.
_Quel horreur!_ My locks were strained, brushed, tightened back, and
I was left high and dry with my exposed brow revealing four furrows to
an unsympathetic world. _C'est navrant_. We're not to be allowed even
the _soupcon_ of a wave or the lightest _bouffee_, while side-curls
are quite _demodes_.
I think the situation is really tragic. So few women can afford to
have a forehead. The result will be that lots of our _debutantes_ of
some seasons ago will be "_coiffees a Ste. Catherine_" in more senses
than one.
The "jewellery" one wears now is made of wood; we have carved wooden
beads, wooden bracelets, even wooden rings. "Therefore it will be
cheap!" you exclaim. _Vous vous trompez, mon amie._ I read a story
the other day of an American who said that if you want an egg here
for breakfast it is cheaper to buy the hen and hope she'll lay next
morning, and in any case you've got the hen. _Eh bien_, should you
desire a set of wooden jewellery you might save money if you bought a
forest.
Paris has done more than extend _le bon accueil_ to the Peace
delegates; she is giving their names to the latest thing in
_vetements_. Thus we have the Lloyd George _cravate_, the Wilson
_gilet_ and the "Bonarlaw" _chapeau melon_. It's surprising how
far-reaching are the effects of a Peace Conference.
A number of _nous autres Anglais_ over here started a perfectly
_thrilling_ idea. It was really in the way of being an adventure. We
have been exploring the quaint little _cafes_ of Paris, with results
_tout a fait etonnants_. We were served with provokingly delicious
_plats_, at a price absurdly moderate compared with what is extorted
from us in the hotels. Of course we were all enchanted. We became
_habitues_ of _cafes_ and ceased to take any meals at our hotels
beyond the matutinal _cafe complet_.
And then, quite suddenly, a horrid newspaper article appeared which
conveyed suggestions _extremement desagreables._ It insinuated, _ma
chere_, that "things are not what they seem"--at any rate things in
the bill of fare at the moderately-priced eating-house.
It went on to speak of the many uses that domestic animals are put to
after their labours on earth are ended. If it was horse that figured
in the _boeuf bourguignon_ served up to me, or the _potee de boeuf aux
choux_ (of which I will admit I _raffole_) I have no quarrel with it.
It's the "_lapin_" I have had occasionally that's giving me the most
qualms. I can't look at a cat now without a shudder.
As for Bertie, he says whenever he thinks of the _tripes a la mode
de Caen_ he so often favoured, he's very glad that he has even less
imagination than his friends credit him with.
Of course the article may have been inspired by the keepers of hotels
who were losing our custom. I think it's more than likely. But we've
decided for the present to give the hotels the benefit of the doubt.
_Toujours_,
Your well-devoted ANNE.
* * * * *
DELYSIOUS DETAILS.
A contemporary, hearing of the reported engagement of two well-known
persons in the world of Music and the Drama, interviewed the lady and
obtained from her the following synopsis of the crucial moment:--
"I was lunching with my costumier this afternoon, and among the people
there was M---- After luncheon he asked me to be his wife. I said
'Yes,' and the marriage takes place next week. We've been friends
since I was twelve years old, and his music is the finest I have ever
heard."
Spurred to emulation by this striking example of journalistic
enterprise, correspondents in all parts of the world are composing
piquant descriptions of similar contracts. We offer two examples:--
1. Miss Fanny V. Adie consented to give the correspondent of _The
Poppleton Observer_ a few particulars of her engagement to Captain
Scorcher, O.B.E.:--
"I was sitting on my ambulance having a biscuit and tin of bully with
Alphonse (my French poodle), when suddenly there was a terrific crash.
It appears, as I learnt later, that Captain Scorcher was motoring
to Lille to purchase whisky and other medical comforts, when the
steering-gear of his 60-H.P. Rolls-Ford came away in his hands, with
the result that he nose-dived into the rear of my ambulance at forty
miles per hour. When I came to my senses my head was in the ditch
and the rest of me in mid-air. Captain Scorcher, crawling out of the
wreckage, said, 'Do you reverse?' and then asked me to be his wife. I
said 'Yes,' meaning I reversed, and the marriage takes place as
soon as we arrive at the same hospital. We have been more or less
bosom-friends for five minutes, and I think his moustache is the
sweetest thing I ever met."
2. Asked if she could confirm her reported engagement to Lord Bertie
Brasshatte, Miss Fifi Thistledowne--who dances "The Camisole Squeeze"
so daintily in "_Really, Girls!_" (the Mausoleum revue)--recounted
to the correspondent of _The Jazzers' Gazette_ the following romantic
story:--
"I was having oysters and stout with my chiropodist at his place in
Stepney, and among the people there was Lord Bertie Brasshatte, who
is a martyr to cold feet, contracted during his visit to Boulogne in
1918. (How can we ever repay these brave men for the hardships they
have suffered?) Well, after the tenth oyster he passed me two slips
of buff paper, pinned together. On the first was written, 'For
information and necessary action, please;' and on the other, 'Are you
engaged tomorrow?' I said, 'No,' and the marriage takes place as soon
as my agent can make arrangements with the illustrated papers. We've
been friends ever since Lord Bertie left a lovely diamond tiara in my
waste-paper basket, and I think his suppers are the finest I have ever
tasted."
* * * * *
HIMALAYANS AT PLAY.
_(Suggested by the sequel to a recent Lecture.)_
The Chairman, Sir Norman Everest, after congratulating the lecturer
on his interesting address and beautiful photographs, observed that he
remained unconvinced by his arguments in favour of approaching Mount
Amaranth from the North. The climatic difficulties of that route were
in his opinion insuperable, to say nothing of the hostility of the
natives of the Ong-Kor plateau and the Muzbakh valley. He still
believed that the best mode of approach was from the South-West,
following the course of the Sissoo river to Todikat, where an ample
supply of yaks could be obtained, and thence proceeding along the
Dagyolong ridge to Tumlong.
Sir Francis Oldmead said that he had seldom heard a more interesting
lecture or seen a finer collection of photographs. He must be allowed
to demur, however, to the lecturer's description of the heavy snowfall
in the highlands of Sandjakphu. During his visit to that district, as
they would see from the photographs which he would presently show on
the screen, he enjoyed uninterrupted sunshine; nor had he met with the
slightest difficulty from the Pangolins of Phagdub. As for the best
approach to Mount Amaranth he was convinced that the only feasible
route was to work up the Yulmag valley to the Chikkim frontier at
Lor-lumi, crossing the Pildash at Gonglam, and, skirting the deep
gorge of the Spudgyal, ascend the Takpa glacier to Teshi Tsegpa.
Professor Parbatt expressed his keen appreciation of the vivid
descriptions of Himalayan scenery given by the lecturer, and the
admirably-selected photographs which had enlivened his address. He
wished, however, that he could have furnished more details as to his
camp equipment. Had he, for example, used Nummulitic beds for his
party? Then there was the question of geoidal deformation, on which
he had remained unaccountably silent. As for the vital problem
of approaching Mount Amaranth, he ventured to differ from all the
previous speakers. The Northern, South-Western and Eastern routes were
all equally impracticable, as he would conclusively demonstrate from
the photographs he had brought with him. But there were at least
fourteen routes from the West, of which he would confine himself to
four. (1) Starting from Yeh, the party might cross the Tablung-La
pass to Gorkpa Nor, and thence follow the Yombo to Chilgat, where they
would be only twenty-five miles from the foot of the western face
of Amaranth. (2) They could follow the old Buriat pack-road to Amdo,
diverge by the narrow defile of Koko-Pir-Panjal to Tumbung, and thence
make for Ghapchu-Srong and Chyang-Chub-Gyultshan. (3) They might start
from Pongrot and cross the Tok-Tok pass to Pilgatse. (4) They might
construct a tube from Darjiling to Grogma-Nop, and thence proceed by
aeroplane to the saddle of Makalu, or, better still, to the summit of
Amaranth itself. The last route was far the shortest and quickest, but
it involved a certain amount of preliminary expense.
The Chairman having expressed his regret that Sir Marcon Tinway was
not present to describe his experiments with man-lifting kites and
trained albatrosses, the assembly dispersed after singing the Tibetan
national anthem.
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOW TO BRIGHTEN THE PERIOD OF REACTION.
_Mother (to son who has fought on most of the Fronts)._ "DON'T YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF, GEORGE? WHY DON'T YOU 'AVE A WALK DOWN
THE ROAD, DEAR?"
_Father._ "AH, 'E AIN'T SEEN THE CORNER WHERE THEY PULLED DOWN
SIMMONDSES' FISH-SHOP, 'AS 'E, MA?"]
* * * * *
A hitherto unrecorded incident in the life of M. CLEMENCEAU:--
"A little later in his career--at the time of the Commune, in
fact--another man very nearly escaped being shot in mistake
for him."--_Egyptian Gazette_.
There are, we understand, several Frenchmen who can boast that they
escaped this fate altogether.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady (to prospective daily housemaid)_. "THE HOURS
WILL BE FROM NINE TO SIX-THIRTY, WITH AN HOUR AND A-HALF OFF FOR
DINNER."
_D.H_. "FOR _LUNCHEON_, I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN. AND I SHOULD HAVE TO LEAVE
AT SIX, AS I ALWAYS DINE AT MY CLUB AND HAVE TO DRESS FIRST."]
* * * * *
AN UNHAPPY HERO.
Poor Clayton-Vane's case is one of the most poignant peace tragedies
that have come to my notice. He had just acquired an inexplicable
but genuine enthusiasm for stockbroking when the War gave him the
opportunity of developing into a remarkably brilliant officer. Not
only did he attain his majority, but gathered a perfect chestful of
decorations, including all the common varieties and several which
leave civilians guessing.
Yet strange to say the man who has won these honours in war detests
soldiering with all his heart. He fought as a duty, and did his share
with furious energy in the hope of so shortening the War. His hatred
of the military profession is indeed equalled only by his love of
stockbroking and by his natural pride in having scrapped right on
from the word "Go!" till November 10th, 1918, when he was sent home
slightly wounded.
Now the tragedy of which he is the pathetic central figure is the
result of his remarkably youthful appearance. Every time his portrait
figures in _The Daily Scratch_, people say, "Why, he looks a mere
child! But then these Press photographs always do distort one so." Yet
in this instance people are unjust. Clayton-Vane, after a four years'
flirtation with death, has the face and figure of a careless chubby
schoolboy. When he is in uniform this youthfulness only adds lustre to
his blushing honours.
Now my unhappy friend is on the horns of a dilemma. He pines to go
back to broking as sincerely as some men pine to travel or to write
poetry, but every time he ventures out in mufti some painful incident
warns him what he will have to suffer as a civilian, with his round
rosy face, innocent blue eyes, curly hair and bright smile. He hears
himself referred to as a chip of the old block. Chance acquaintances
ask him if his father or big brothers were at the Front. To-day, he
told me very bitterly, he was asked if he did not wish the War had
lasted a little longer so that he might have been old enough to go out
and fight!
"I can't bear it, old man," he said. "There's something about me that
draws out their sentimentality, and they've all got to say something
about my youth, and the heritage of peace that the 1917 conscripts won
for me. They talk as if I had been busy with a feeding-bottle instead
of compressing my silly face in a box-respirator."
His dilemma is a very painful one for a man so sensitive and at the
same time so enamoured of stockbroking. Hard as the renunciation will
be, I really believe he will end by turning his back on the Exchange
for ever and taking a regular commission, though I try to persuade
him that if he will only brave the horrors of peace as he braved the
horrors of war he will win through in the end and grow out of his
face.
* * * * *
PROMOTION.
"Ex-Batman wanted as General in private house."--_Times_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN IRRESISTIBLE CLAIM.
ROUMANIA. "I HOPE, WHILE THEY'RE FEEDING THEIR STARVING ENEMIES, THEY
WON'T FORGET THEIR STARVING FRIENDS."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
[Illustration: _Duke of Venice (the Lord Chancellor), to Portia_. "YOU
ARE WELCOME: TAKE YOUR PLACE."--_Merchant of Venice, Act IV. Sc. 1. _]
* * * * *
_Monday, March 10th_.--Sir JAMES AGG-GARDNER asked two questions
dealing with the distribution of poisons. By a singular
coincidence--or was it design?--the hon. baronet was himself, as
Chairman of the Kitchen Committee, accused by Mr. BOTTOMLEY of having
purveyed poison in the shape of stale fish to sundry Members of the
House, thereby causing them serious internal disturbance. Happily he
was able to show that the charge was entirely baseless.
Scots legal terminology always puzzles me. The "peremptory diets"
which Mr. MACQUISTEN urged upon the attention of the SECRETARY OF THE
TREASURY as a remedy for the grievances of Glasgow's financiers are
not, as you might suppose, a synonym for forcible feeding; nor have
they anything to do with the substitutes for "parritch" to which, as
I gathered from Mr. STURROCK, the people of Scotland are being obliged
to resort owing to the high price of oatmeal.
Members rubbed their eyes a little when they heard Colonel AMERY
declare that the general policy of the Government regarding Imperial
Preference had been "clearly defined" and in the ensuing debate Sir
DONALD MACLEAN declared that, on the contrary, their whole fiscal
policy was "wrop in mystery."
The veil was lifted to some extent by Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES, the
Ministerial "handy man," who, in the absence through illness of Sir
ALBERT STANLEY, explained how the Government proposed to regulate
imports and exports during the transitional period. Up to September
1st our manufacturers are to enjoy a sort of close-time, free from
foreign competition, but after that they must, like the partridges,
take their chance.
Later in the evening the House welcomed a new orator in Dr. MURRAY,
who sits for the Western Isles. He made a rousing appeal on behalf of
the men--practically the whole able-bodied population--who had gone
from them to fight the Empire's battles. In his view the SECRETARY FOR
SCOTLAND was too mild in his methods, and should be "bristling with
thistles and flourishing the claymore" when he tackled the reform of
the Land Laws. Mr. MUNRO was evidently flattered by this tribute to
the martial potentialities underlying his eminently pacific exterior.
_Tuesday, March 11th_.--In moving the Second Reading of his Bill to
enable women to become barristers and solicitors, Lord BUCKMASTER
thought it necessary to assure the House that there was no danger of
its flooding the Inns with prospective Bar-maids. He might have spared
his apologetics, for there was no opposition. The LORD CHANCELLOR
welcomed the Bill on behalf of the Government, and expressed the
conviction that the Benchers, though not "avid of this change," would
nevertheless loyally co-operate if Parliament saw fit to adopt it.
Having caught the infection from the Commons the Peers then proceeded
to discuss their own procedure. From Lord CURZON we learned, somewhat
to our surprise, that the House possesses certain Standing Orders.
At present it honours them chiefly in the breach, and in its Leader's
view it would do well to imitate the more orderly procedure of
another place, even to the adoption of "starred questions" and the
abandonment of the practice by which any noble Lord, by the simple
process of addressing an inquiry to a Minister, can initiate a
full-dress debate. Lord CREWE'S pious hope that these suggestions
would enable more noble Lords to take part in the debates was welcomed
by Lord AMPTHILL, who remarked that, after nearly thirty years in
that House, he had never before been made aware of this desire for
backbench orations.
As originally introduced the Rent Restriction Bill was strictly
limited in its operation. But landlord-baiting is a sport to which the
House of Commons is much addicted, and by the time the measure emerges
from Committee its own draughtsman will hardly recognise it.
The best of the many Amendments complacently accepted, after a show
of reluctance, by the Government spokesmen, was one providing that
no increase of rent shall be chargeable except in the case of a
house "reasonably fit for habitation." That should make some of our
slum-owners sit up and take notice.
_Wednesday, March 12th_.--An apparently innocent request from Lord
SUDELEY for the reinstatement of the system of guide-lecturers in
the Museums led to quite a lively debate. Other noble lords used the
motion as a peg for a fierce indictment of the Government's treatment
of these institutions during the War. Lord CRAWFORD, who has probably
forgotten more about Art than some of his critics ever knew,
concealed his real sympathy for the motion under a mask of official
obstructiveness, but was compelled eventually to give it a strictly
provisional acceptance.
In the old days when the possession of a seat was secured by the
deposit of a hat it was no uncommon thing, on the morning of a big
debate, to see a Member staggering in under a load of toppers, with
which he proceeded to secure seats for his friends. To put an end to
this nefarious practice the card-system was introduced; but that, it
is said, has now been similarly abused. One man one card, however,
is in future to be the rule. Colonel WILL THORNE feared that it might
still be circumvented by the "stage army" trick; but the SPEAKER
thought the attendants might be trusted to recognise and defeat any
Member who essayed it.
Rear-Admiral Sir REGINALD HALL, having added to his laurels by
defeating a NELSON at Liverpool, took his seat this afternoon, and was
loudly cheered for the manner in which he came into action. He and
his supporters maintained their "line abreast" and discharged their
salvoes of salutes to the Chair with faultless precision.
Later on the gallant Admiral earned further cheers for a capital
maiden speech on the Naval Estimates. These were introduced by Mr.
LONG, who told the story of the Navy's triumph with all a landsman's
enthusiasm. Its future size may to a certain extent depend upon the
Judgment of Paris, but he was certain that, come what may, the Nation
would always insist on having a Fleet sufficient for our needs--a
sentiment which received the welcome endorsement of Mr. BRACE for the
Labour Party.
According to Commander NORMAN CRAIG it was anything but sufficient for
our needs when war broke out. It lacked docks, destroyers, submarines,
air-ships--everything, in fact, save Dreadnoughts, which, in the
absence of these accessories, had to belie their name and rush
from one unprotected anchorage to another in fear of the German
mosquito-craft. Only the courage of the officers and men saved us, and
up to the present--that was the tenor of many of the speeches--they
have reaped but a scanty reward.
[Illustration: GENERAL SEELY'S NON-STOP FLIGHT.]
_Thursday, March 13th_.--Ministers left at home to "mind the shop"
would rather like, I fancy, to put up a notice over the Palace of
Westminster, "Closed till after the Peace Conference." Nearly every
problem presented to them depends for its ultimate solution upon the
decisions arrived at in Paris. Lord STUART OF WORTLEY, for example,
put a series of most pressing questions regarding the present
condition and future prospects of Poland; but Lord CURZON in reply
could only shrug his shoulders (at considerable length) and refer him
to the Conference.
The LEADER of the House of Commons labours under similar disabilities,
which are beginning to try even his amiable temper. Until Paris has
spoken he cannot give definite information about the Government's
fiscal policy, the amount of the German indemnity and other pressing
topics, and, as he told some of his persistent questioners this
afternoon, it is no good putting the same question to him every week
and expecting a different answer.
The best news of the day is that there will be an ample supply
of currants for Whitsuntide school-treats, and _Smith minor's_
translation of "_Non cuivis homini contingit adire Corinthum_" as "Not
everyone is lucky enough to find a currant in his war-bun" will no
longer be applicable.
Five years ago General SEELY, then Secretary of State for War, asked
timidly for a single million for aircraft. To-day, as Under-Secretary
for Air, he boldly demanded sixty-six millions, and explained that but
for the Armistice the amount would have been two hundred millions.
And the House, after hearing his glowing account of the wonderful
achievements of our airmen, readily voted the money. A good deal of it
is to go, quite rightly, to relieving the hardships of demobilisation,
which fall with peculiar severity on men whose special training is
not much use to them in civil life. The least we can do when they are
forced to descend from their chosen element is to insure them against
a bad landing.