Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., August 2, 1890. by Various
V >>
Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., August 2, 1890.
To So-ko-to and the Gan-do,
Your claims you must resign.
If France goes far from Zanzibar,
_I_'ll draw a new boundary line.
To the east of the Niger by latitude ten!
That is our mi-ni-_mum_!
Ours the Sahara! Yes, _che sara sara!_
Therefore don't _you_ look glum!
_Chorus_.
JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!
The Niger is ours, that's clear.
JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!
He doesn't want _you_ here.
France must take up her traditional _role_
(Of grabbing all she _can_ do)
So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy;
Make room for DELONCLE, _do_!
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 21.--RITCHIE got another Bill
through; not a measure of high imperial policy; nothing to do either
with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes to improve in various
ways the dwellings of the industrial classes. Still, as JOKIM has
shown in connection with one or two of his little Bills, it is
quite possible nearly to wreck a Ministry even on matter-of-fact
business arrangements. But RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill
passes to-night, taking two steps at a time, both sides uniting in
congratulation and cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister
with a quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather
hints that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True,
RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its passage
through Committee and House. But the real man was FOSTER; his
Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in Committee, and now
here he was to give it his blessing. Rather delicate position; sort of
cracking up himself, which FOSTER would not do for the world; blushed
a little, as he praised the Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with
ease and grace, whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and
thought unutterable things.
"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of RITCHIES, or
even two or three more like him."
OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of questions
on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY and WILFRID
LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. When is it really
intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY back at the table again
for twentieth time; literally gasping for breath; looked round House
with anguished expression; then happy thought strikes him; "Mr.
SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is really impossible to do more than one
thing at a time."
The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, the
sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across his mind,
his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though
it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway
opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure furnish
a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House with keen
delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster clock; OLD
MORALITY standing at table looking round and wondering what on earth
he'd said now.
_Business done._--Census Bills read Second Time.
_Tuesday_.--Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE craftily crept upon
the scene. Don't often hear from this distinguished member of the
Order of Noble Barons; generally content to serve his country by
voting for the Government. To-night stirred in sluggish depths
by omission of Government in preparing Census Bill to provide for
Religious Census; so the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to
authorise Religious Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those
present listen listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged
against Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his
Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is safe.
[Illustration: Another Noble Baron.]
Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as if it did
not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are free to vote as they
please. Sudden change of attitude in Opposition Benches. Listlessness
vanishes; a whisper of treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes
hot protest; HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going
so quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT
joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; OLD
MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully shakes his
head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast
and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets up, and publicly abjures
DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only RITCHIE'S fun
in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on this
matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of course good
Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S
rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69.
_Business done._--English Census Bill passed through Committee.
_Wednesday_.--Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote corner of Corridor;
had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrestling with great
mental problems and finds himself worsted.
"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD MORALITY said
yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one thing at a time?"
"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at once.
OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me. It's this
Police Question that bothers me; give up a good deal of time to
mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard all
MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted
CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought
I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant; and now it turns
out all to have led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon.
Never heard his name before in connection with the Police Question.
He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard
of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the whole
question centres on PULESTON. It seems _he_ was the Police Question,
and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why Carnarvon? Why not stationed
in the Lobby or the Central Hall where he would be with old friends?
Suppose he'll wear a blue coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will
shadow LOYD-GEORGE who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him
must you address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to
change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing '_Ask
a Policeman?_' shall we have to chant 'Ask a PULESTON?' These are the
new problems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought
I'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no
more difficult points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for
politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things,
and there are so many things to know."
Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put his
questions down on the paper; might address them to FERGUSON; a
little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly
conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON would be interesting.
_Business done._--Votes in Supply.
_Friday_.--House in rather strange condition to-night; things all
sevens and sixes; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read
Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure; on the whole,
no particular objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland.
Still, an Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G.
came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to Treaty, but
didn't like the process of confirming it; so publicly washed his hands
of the business. Since the announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT
tells me his illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every
post brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers,
making overtures of business transactions.
"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your statement in the
House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your hands of
participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have any objection
to our stating that the substance used was our celebrated Salubrious
Savon? Anticipating your favourable reply, we assume that you would
have no objection to our publishing a portrait of you using our soap,
with its familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add
that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, we
shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously supply you and
your family with specimens of our art for the term of your natural
lives."
[Illustration: The British Constitution.]
This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one of the
embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy is HARCOURT.
He invented the line of attack on ground of breach of constitutional
usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; supplied him with
authorities, and in supplementary speech amazed House with his
erudition. Made stupendous speech last night; literally gorged the
House; to-night picks up fragments and provides another feast: six
baskets wouldn't hold it.
"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat after
delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an Amendment, "we
could carry this over next week. I could easily make a speech a day.
Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the
new agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. 'Well,'
said my acquaintance, 'I don't know about his business daylings, but
for blasphaymious language, he's _au revoir_.' On constitutional
questions, TOBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm _au revoir_."
_Business done._--Anglo-German Treaty agreed to.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
"_She is never at a loss for a clever answer;_" i.e., "A cat whose
claws are always out."
"_A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when one
really knows him;_" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank goodness!"
LEGAL.
"_As your Lordship pleases;_" i.e., "As a Judge, you are a stupid,
self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets
his costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him _what_ you decide!"
"_With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle the
minutes;_" i.e., "And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in
the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and
the shells to the clients."
IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
"_You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think you're wrong?_"
i.e., "You obviously want setting down, and I may as well do it."
"_Do you mind just stating that over again?_" i.e., "While I think of
something to say in reply."
"_Of course you know more about the subject than I do;_" i.e., "I am
pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute."
"_If you care for my candid opinion;_" i.e., "I am now about to be
annoying, and perhaps rude."
"_All right, I'm not deaf!_" i.e., "Keep your confounded temper."
* * * * *
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