Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April 2, 1870 by Various
V >>
Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April 2, 1870
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Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York.
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PREFACE
PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1.
(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.")
PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING:
His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one to
articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and
olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to
"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a "tremendous
swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow."
He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be.
And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S
mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. (Prepare
to receive cavilry.)
Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets marched to and
fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop
such a name as _that_, and attend to _his_ suggestion, and his only.
One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little Punch," and
he--the speaking-trumpeter--liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke,
he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit
of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more.
Another--a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo minstrelsy--was
vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The
discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd"
was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that
exhaled from the name.
Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division
respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, Brown,
Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the
name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, on
pain of death.
And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; for which
some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say,
PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else--a name by which he
means to stand or fall.
And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his position
here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his
foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, he
hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations
in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all furnish
him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character,
regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy
to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is
indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he appears
on his own title-page, is taken.
A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great
humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress.
PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these
with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered gentry,"
for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.)
PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to specie
payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give
his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to
relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her due
share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles,
you know,) why not also He-Cuba?--lovely and preposterous woman, who,
from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine,
but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately
distinguished by that name.
Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will
only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers
than _habeas corpus_, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim
joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York."
It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his readers to
the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d--the day after
All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that
PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore,
first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of
satiric shafts.
And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!--that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the _Sun_, you
know, and is the biggest spot upon it--here we find that we have talked
ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout.
_Punchinello:_ "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any room for us?"
_Delmonico:_ "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and your rooms are
quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course,
your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you
will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke."
_Punchinello:_ "Tut, CHARLES!--'tis a joke of the first water, (first
brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and then
consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES."
And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, PUNCHINELLO
waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and
all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.)
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER.
THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS.
The Lions and the Lambs lie down together,
While the "Sun" stands still.
The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his
troop of admirers, hereby enact:
Sec. 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County
of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag;
Sec. 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to
devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of
poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the
grab-bag.
Sec. 3. HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW,
and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and
Canvassers for the grabbers.
Sec. 4. It shall be the duty of the said inspectors to prepare a
registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to
serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE
BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to
pay the postage.
Sec. 5. The registry-list shall be alphabetically prepared, and the number
of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by the
number of offices.
Sec. 6. The grabbers shall be selected by lot.
Sec. 7. The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE BLACKSMITH from his own hat,
his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall
be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the _Christian Union_;
whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one
shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office.
Sec. 8. There shall be no repeaters of the process.
Sec. 9. The persons thus grabbing offices shall be then and there, by the
Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life.
Sec. 10. Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall be immediately filled
by the Inspectors appointing the assassin.
Sec. 11. Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one
ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following
Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the
Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable
contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided
among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted
to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement.
Sec. 12. Owners of real estate in the city of New York are hereby allowed
to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of
light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the
proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners
shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water
with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board.
Sec. 13. The sewers of the city shall be converted to burial places for
persons assassinated at political meetings.
Sec. 14. Nothing herein contained shall be so construed as to permit any
judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices.
Sec. 15. The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of
the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be
a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a
six-shooter.
Sec. 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions
inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed.
* * * * *
From Gertrude of Wyoming.
Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not
follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the
women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally
supply the family linen.
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SURE TO BE LOST AT C.--Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he continues to
recklessly strain it with his chest C.
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HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into
all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every
other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes,
cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO,
intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary
to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family
will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will
present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that
can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering
dust--idle clutter and of no service to any body. The first hint, we
know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all,
yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide
board--as wide as you can get it--and as long as it will cut without
cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large
holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about
three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be
supported by the sticks, thus:
[Illustration]
This contrivance will be found very useful for various purposes. It will
do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any
other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household
objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to
serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such
occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its
appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become
a favorite article of furniture.
The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of cotton or
woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew them
together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one
corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag.
This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of
human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be
sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and will
be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using
it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into
the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily
enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The
stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight
degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious
little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always
hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more
economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the
pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and
corners can be ornamented _a discretion_.
[Illustration]
Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. Take one of
the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural
habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find
that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed on
top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the same
size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the
ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a
very good barrel.
* * * * *
Founded upon Fact.
Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man?
Because he keeps _Tomahawks_ for sale.
* * * * *
Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver.
ZINCALI--Artists who draw on zinc plates.
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[Illustration: AN AGGRAVATED CASE.
_Man with Muffler_. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT I MIND SO MUCH
AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO
OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."]
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Truly Noble.
We have been requested to publish the following letter:
NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870.
TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR:
GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I import from
bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and
her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York,
where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to
the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! _Vive la freedom!_ I
inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE.
* * * * *
Perennius AEre.
In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a distinguished
United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is
respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the
nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a
"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!"
* * * * *
A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse.
Was the honorable member from Massachusetts _really_ born with a silver
spoon in his _mouth_?
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The Witch and the Switch.
Fashionable women are like the conventional school-mistress--they
believe in the switch.
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Naughty.
When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When they sent
NORT-on there.
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THE MARINER'S WRONGS.
Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was always
looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of
romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages
held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and
free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the
ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some
other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to
the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that used
to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of
the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the
"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was
specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the
scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at
the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for
"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want
of _that_; so that his happiness may be said to have been complete.
Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every day we
read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other
perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose
proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin
and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish the
whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns"
with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and
huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, when
he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in
wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house"
dens.
Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it on Sunday.
He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best
blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on
horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with
their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the
bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut
off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The
captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to
the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter
refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one
sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing goes
on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless
condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the
welkin with when he helps to man the yards.
* * * * *
Postal.
Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called _Blackmail_?
* * * * *
Propagandism.
Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a proper
gander.
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The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in the
interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the
most "repeaters"?
* * * * *
The Plays and Shows.
HAMLET--WITH A YELLOW WIG.
The poet--his name is of no consequence--has defined the evening as
"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still."
Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. Otherwise he
would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with
mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time
when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make
himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than three
HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether
to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the eagle
eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but
the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to
Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than it
was in this Democratic city.
The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary man--with a
wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Mr.
WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did
not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the
contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his
popularity must he sought in his yellow locks.
There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S Dane. One is
his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself
to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place
only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore
abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss LECLERCQ.
Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should receive
a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and
FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have
perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince--fair, fat, and
faulty--who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with
an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given
her any "bresents."
That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the least of
his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have
reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an
obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with
a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his
incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning
mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. MR.
FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate
art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is
impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his
mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable a
spectacle as a _Grande Duchesse_ without decency.
What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is evident;--His
yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the _Invalides_, and the
Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr.
FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to
murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET.
In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that of his
rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less
impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the
graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade
the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM.
The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the potency of
yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to that
kindliness of disposition with which--like a personification of
Charity--she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in
the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep
its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive
of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous
in England.
The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. VENUS
deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful appendage.
But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary
reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he has
confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a
change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of
hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET
with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply
a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class
him with the other blonde burlesquers.
MATADOR.
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WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US.
There is no trash in this paper.--_Literary Standard_.
PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.--_Moralist_.
--a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.--_Casuist_.
PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.--_Cash Account_.
--just the thing for our mothers-in-law.--_Domestic-Hearth_.
--its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.--_College Club_.
PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.--_Midnight Male_.
--the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does not buy a
copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for
each of his children, is a brute.--_Plain Speaker_.
--bully.--_Western Grazier_.
--knows beans.--_Horticulturist_.
--up to snuff.--_Market Reporter_.
--cock of the walk.--_Prairie Chicken_.
--perfectly lovely.--_Ladies' Voice_.
--read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing
it.--_Yankee Teacher_.
--the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid
for.--_Public at Large_.
* * * * *
A Walking Fish.
The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering him as a
private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his
walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would only
teach him to Walk Spanish.
* * * * *
"Hole-in-the-Day."
It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, that the
Philadelphia _Day_ is printed on straw paper made from the surplus
straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract
negotiated during the war.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MESMERISM IN WALL STREET.
_First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)_ "THERE, I'VE GOT HIM TO THE
POINT NOW. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK."
_Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)_ "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND SHARES
CENTRAL."
_Second Lady Broker._ "BOOKED!"]
* * * * *
THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE,